can you believe that? hmmm ison was always confident we would win (palabi lang jud sya kabilib nako hahahah). and we did. isn't that great? not only are we getting married, our cabal characters are getting married too.
ahahahah. isn't that cute? although there has been a change to our civil wedding schedule, (instead of this saturday, it will be on february 26, next friday), it's no biggie. :) ison's parents are coming to cebu to attend the wedding, so next week is definitely better for them.
i brought my lil angel castielle a nice dress to wear on that day. so we both can look nice together. :) i hope we can get a family picture then. :) that would be soooo great.
i will be going to the city tomorrow.. guess why? ison says we're going to login for the cabal wedding in ayala. that way, before and after the wedding, we can go on our date. and the cabal wedding will be part of it. :)
isn't my ison the greatest? hihihhihih heaven brought him to me. he is everything i prayed for. except of course wala ko gaexpect nga grabe (as in GRABE to the max, dili nya maantos nga dili manungog... mura na syag mabuang nga dili kapanungog nako in one day.) kasungogan akong ma-bana... but sige nalang... iya man dayun bawion kung saputon nako.. wala pa jud ko maanad. but i'm forgiving. :P he's really sweet when he isn't teasing me. so okies nalang. hahahaha
this is a picture of our wedding rings. :) his name is engraved on mine. and my name, kimberley (give chance kay mao man jud ang akoang spelling), is engraved on his. :)
since ako man ang gasuwat sa story, mao lang na akong wedding gift nimo baby ha? hahahaha we won after all. so bongga. :P see you tomorrow my sweet2.. mmmwwwaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
re-posting what CM Charms had posted. i like this a lot. :)
"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine
This is a narration of the love I have for you. It would never be complete I know, for words can never describe this love. But I would like to tell you all the reasons why, in this world of worlds, I would rather not be anywhere else than here with you. And why, months from now, it is for you I will give my vow of eternal love, before man, and before God.
This is so you would never forget even through all the difficult days I might have to put you through... This is so you will always know that whatever happens, you are the only one in the world for me and that I love you so. I bet this is going to be long. You know how talkative I can get. :) I’ll just add more if I don’t get to finish it today.
Hmmm…
You often wonder exactly when I fell in love with you. I cannot quite remember either. It happened like springtime. Like movie springtime, you suddenly find all the flowers in bloom, after long days of winter. It had been a difficult three years before that day, and then for the first time, after a long time, I smiled for real. Because I woke up that morning and came to the realization that finally, I found the man I was going to marry.
I remember it was after that advice outside global.. that encounter with the old woman.. the talks until the wee hours of the morning.. the daily lunches and dinners.. it was after being with you for many months and finding out who you really are.
I did struggle days before that, because I was treading a difficult line. I had to choose whether it was wrong or right. But I fell in love with you anyway, because you are who you are. And after years of searching for you and having found you at last, I was willing to give up everything else. I hope everyone else would understand why I chose you... why I chose this.
You are more important than anything else I have in this world.
You say you are the luckiest in the world to have me. When in truth, I am the lucky one. Because of all the people in the world, it is I you had chosen to love the way you do.
I cry like hell for almost everything in the world. And you wipe away my tears day after day. Without meaning to, I get hurt for even the simplest of gestures, the smallest of words, the tiniest details, and regardless of whether I hide it or not, you always know what to do. And even when there are days I would think you could not put up with it anymore, you always come back and love me anyway, and you blow all the pain away.
You have been very good to me. You do all the little things for me. You serve me like I am your princess. You take care of me like I am a fragile little child. And you reprimand me when I do wrong. You stare at me lovingly, even when I look my worst, and you find me beautiful still. You cuddle with me. And you never forget to tell me just how much you love me. You never fail to kiss me on the forehead because you know I like it. You let me disturb you even when you’re busy just because I wanted you to notice me. You tease me rotten, until I punch you and cry, and then you always find a way to make it better.
You let me take care of you the best way I could, even when it really does not matter at all. You allow me to clip your nails even if you know I’ve never clipped mine (my nails are not growing anymore). You let me comb your hair. You let me massage you even when you know I give the worse massages in the world. You let me clean up even if you know I’m the worst housekeeper since clumsy-me will just make an awful lot of mess, and you forgive me anyway.
You let me tutor you because you know I want to do so. And you have intellectual conversations with me, sometimes it ends badly, but you always find ways to make me cool down after I argue too much about our points of view. You understand my immaturity. And you are patient with my laziness.
You have all those surprises for me, gifts that for some people would not mean much, but you know they mean a lot to me. You listen to me talk about all sorts of things; sometimes even for hours (I must imagine how difficult it’s been). You respect me and believe in me. You know how low my self-esteem is, but you have confidence in me.
You try so hard to make me proud of you. It’s as if you do not know that I already am... that no failing grade, no forgotten promise, no bad fight, or anything else is going to change that. You are the best friend (you can ask every single friend you know), the understanding brother (you always are the unwearied one), the obedient son (I know how much you admire and respect your father and your mother), the trusting soul (I know how much you love God), the faithful husband (I know you are), and the loving father (our future children would not find a better one than you).
And you are proud of me. In spite of everything I had gone through in life, and all the things I have done. I have never really been as proud of myself as I am with you.
I don’t think I can fit it all here. I just wanted to tell you about all the things you do for me you see. And I kinda’ got carried away. :)
But you know what my best memories of you are? It’s during the times when I wake up late. It’s when I sleep in and wake up to your kisses and hugs, and then you still let me go back to sleep, then you do it all again a little later because you miss me, even when I’m only a door away. It’s during my sleepovers, when in the middle of the night, you suddenly wake from your sleep to hug me tight and kiss me and a few seconds later, you snore your heart out. It’s during those moments when you talk about the family we would have someday, and how, with all sincerity, you tell me you would give me all that.
And I can’t help but cry and wonder how in the world I deserved you.
You are my proof of God’s infinite love for me. And the family we will be creating will be a witness to that. I love you my Ison. Nothing is ever going to change that. I love you more than you would ever know, and much much more than I could ever show.
And if somebody asked about life before I even met you, I would not be able to remember. Everything that happened in the past was just part of me getting ready so I could love you the way I know how to love you now. Life for me began when you arrived. The life I always wanted to have. Sure, I have dreamt it chronologically different, but now that I’m here, I would not wish for it any other way. I’m just happy.
There are still a few things we have to fix though. But it’s going to be okay. You always assure me that as long as we’re together, we’re going to be just fine. And I believe you with all my heart and soul. In three years, we’ll have good jobs (I hope you get the one you’re going to be really happy in :)), a good house (of course hihihihi), and the most loving child (maybe more hihihihi). And we’ll let the years roll by.
And then we can make the situation you talked to me about come true, about us getting old together, going to do grocery together still even during that age, hearing mass together, and then calling each other the sweetest names as if we were still 16.
You are the sweetest person in the world, you know that? And I am the only one you show that to. :) Am I not blessed?
I hope whatever the world throws at us, we’ll remain forever true like we vowed to be. I will pray every day for the strength and the wisdom for that.
You are my angel, the touch of heaven in my life. I love you my sweet.
It's been long since i last updated my blog with words of my own...
So what's going on recently? I've been busy. Hahahaha...
No, the truth is, I'm just madly in love. And time for other stuff like this seems to have gotten lost somewhere between the hugs and the kisses... So why am i updating?
I was reading an article on love today... something i found as a text document sa My Documents sa akong PC. I have no idea how it got here. It's a talk about how love comes and goes.... and I found a line I really liked...
"...the secret of love is that it is a gift, and that it can be made to grow only by giving it away."
I think that is true. Only by giving love away can it grow more and more. When love usually starts, it fills to overflowing. And then it cools. It recedes. It grows only when you give it away. When at this stage, it is not to be sought. It is generated.
You are made complete by love when you give it away.
God has given me a blessing this month. I bet this is one way our love is made to grow. And I am very happy.
Perhaps if we waited two years from now, life may take on a different path, and things might have been different. I would not want that. I want this one to be the last one. The one I will say my I Do's to..
God loves me so much. I know for sure. All this time, I have failed to see the plans He had for me. But when I asked for this blessing, He gave it to me right away, at a time when I thought it was close to impossible. This must be the right time for it. ^^
and I am very happy... I will tell you the details when the time comes. But as of now, let's lie low. ^^ and just be in love. ahhahahahahha
i was reading emails and blogs today.
and i found a line i really like. hmmmmmm
"Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity. And some ask ourselves: Will our actions echo across the centuries?
Will strangers hear our names long after we are gone, and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved?"
and i can't help but smile.
i wonder.
we all need to leave something behind when we're finally gone.
in our soul of souls, in our heart of hearts, we know that we long to be remembered long after we are gone. it's the only way we get to believe that our life is not just some passing breeze.
...that we are not living, just because we have to.
we want to believe that we are watched... so that even after we're gone, we remain... be it in someone's memory, or in somebody's heart.
i wonder.
what would i like to be remembered for?
hmmmm.
and i'm smiling now because i think i know my answer to that question.
somebody asked me. and i just smiled. i guess if you try to understand me in the many ways i now look at life, you would say i'm more than inlove. :)
i found someone i truly care about. and as of now (i'm sorry hahaha can't tell you), i have to keep him a secret. i know i may be wrong and it isn't really time for us anyway, so i have to keep this classified until that day. i hope we both could wait no matter how long it takes. ^^
but it's not just about this particular guy really.
it's about the thought that unlike all the rest of em who came after ronron, there was no pain nor insecurities this time. there were no doubts nor questions. there was only me trusting myself that i could do it right this time...
it's about me falling in love with life all over again. it's about me hearing masses again. it's about me smiling without that sting in my heart again. it's about me going back to the start, before the pain began.
yes, i am in-love... with myself, with my God, with the world, and with him. ^^
i took an early breakfast with 5 other global boys at silogan around 5:30 this morning. and we started talking about how global started out. And later on, i don't really know how it got there, but it got to the point where we asked each other's ages, and how long it has been since we all started hanging out at the internet cafe.
of course, i was the eldest. and i got to stay in global for the longest time... and as a joke, i commented that there would come a day when all the rest of them would graduate and leave, and i would still be there, hanging out with the new batch of global boys. And then Mao commented back, and you'ld be 30 by then. and we all laughed.
when i got back to the boarding house, i started thinking... yeah, i am not getting any younger. maybe it's time i started acting my age. stop hanging out in internet cafes and playing dota or cabal all day. but i realized, if i left out that part of me, what more do i have left?
this is all i am now. and every day i drag myself out of bed to get to work, and the only thing i can look forward to is being able to forget everything about this life when i play with my friends.
i'm turning 25, and a lot of the people i know are married now, and some already have children. others are still planning to.
me? i am not.
nyahahahah. who am i kidding? and i can only smile sadly here. i guess you already know how to read between the lines.
hahahahah.... i'm on this journey, you see, to see if happy endings are real. i'm on my way there. at this point, this is the part of my life where every step i take asks for my courage. and it hurts. but i am not losing hope because i know that in this world, nothing can make this any worse.
i hope my happy ending doesn't arrive too late. and too late is defined as the day i have grown old..
i've broken down the walls i've started building up around me for the past 5 months.. i've swallowed every bit of pride i have left... and God knows, i'll give up the life i have now, for this one chance... just one chance to bring him back.
he says he misses me all the time. no i-love-yous, no assurances, no promises.
is that enough for me? i could say i don't care at all. it's enough that he misses me. but deep in my heart, i know i am hoping for more than just that.
forgive me for talking about this now. for, you see, aside from sir luis bugging me with the truth and making my life hell (naah... just kidding. he tells me things i do not want to hear), i have to admit i still feel the lumps in my throat choking me. and i do still cry at night, and i do still have my nightmares.
and that's why i've realized that although my happiness may be here, it is not complete. i know that i should not expect anything from him, but i've laid my heart on the line now and there's no turning back.
Lord, i've given him the freedom to do whatever he wants to do with my heart. so please, please, please, don't allow him to hurt me that way for i do not have the strength to say that he shouldn't. Lord, please, please, please, i beg You, don't allow him to break my heart even more. i won't be able to take it this time.
i've missed seeing ronie for the past few months. and it seems i have not cried out all the tears. last night he wondered why i was still awake around 1 am. and i told him "nagdrama". of course, i still cry. it still hurts. it's hard to accept the truth that he chose to stop loving me. and the bastard asked unsa daw akong gidramahan. hahai. di pa ba diay ingon ana kaobvious?! does he really think i'd get over him so soon? just like the way he forgot me and all. were all those years THAT insignificant? the last time, i asked how he was. and he said "ok ra kaau". i had to say "maau pa ka".. because with all honesty, i am not okay. how can i just BE okay? and he had the nerve to ask me "ikaw diay"?
hahai.
i guess i'm just too sensitive and too mushy and too emotional and too stupid. i feel so worthless... so easily forgotten. for just like everybody else, he, too, had realized i am not someone worth crying over for... i am not someone worth staying for... i am not someone worth giving up the world for.
and i am in so much pain. it hurts to stop believing that there's something good in this world for me. because frankly, the day ronie said goodbye, i lost all my faith in everything. i am so tired of hoping i'd get some reward for all the things i had to endure.
i have to give up... i have to stop this... i have to move on... i have to forget...
at least, a part of me says that it's just a matter of time. that this will pass. and that everything will turn out fine. after all, i only have a lifetime to live through. i should enjoy and accept life as it is, with all the joy and pain it brings. God has a great purpose for me, and that is all that should matter really.
and that's why i feel stupid. and stubborn. i know what to do and yet i cannot do it. i have chained myself to empty promises, to an undying love that will never come to be, to memories that will remain only as memories now, to all the happiness i once had. i am stupid to doubt the fact that i will be happy again. of course i will be. (won't i?) and yet i still don't believe it.
why do i care? why do i still hurt? i have a God who loves me, and friends who care. in truth, i should laugh harder, and much more often, because i know how much i am loved.. i wonder why, within my soul of souls, and within my heart of hearts, i continue to remain sad.
so i came up with the conclusion that i am, indeed, stupid.
to whom shall i run to? i have nothing more left... and i have nowhere else to go..
i look back and find there is nothing to return to. and everytime my hope shakes, i try to see ahead and realize there really is nothing else to look forward to.
my heart is in pain and my eyes are tired of crying. i look around and see only the night. but then, i am blinded by the sorrow that i can no longer see the stars.
i look at my hands and find they are empty. and it hurts so much, You see, to remember how once, they were filled with overflowing love. and i cover my eyes with my hands just to fill them with my tears, and the sadness remains. i am still without my love.
i am scared, though i know i should not be for You are there. and yet, i remain afraid and uncertain. i must have faith, i know, but, Lord... i am not that strong. my heart is weak. my soul is small. my hope is frail. and this pain is too real.
Lord, Lord, where can I go? i have lost everything i believed mattered, and now, life seems like a dream i just want to wake up from.
i cry out, hard enough, as hard as i could, for You to feel my pain. but am i heard? do You hear this prayer now?
then why, oh Lord, why then are You so silent still?
