can you believe that? hmmm ison was always confident we would win (palabi lang jud sya kabilib nako hahahah). and we did. isn't that great? not only are we getting married, our cabal characters are getting married too.
ahahahah. isn't that cute? although there has been a change to our civil wedding schedule, (instead of this saturday, it will be on february 26, next friday), it's no biggie. :) ison's parents are coming to cebu to attend the wedding, so next week is definitely better for them.
i brought my lil angel castielle a nice dress to wear on that day. so we both can look nice together. :) i hope we can get a family picture then. :) that would be soooo great.
i will be going to the city tomorrow.. guess why? ison says we're going to login for the cabal wedding in ayala. that way, before and after the wedding, we can go on our date. and the cabal wedding will be part of it. :)
isn't my ison the greatest? hihihhihih heaven brought him to me. he is everything i prayed for. except of course wala ko gaexpect nga grabe (as in GRABE to the max, dili nya maantos nga dili manungog... mura na syag mabuang nga dili kapanungog nako in one day.) kasungogan akong ma-bana... but sige nalang... iya man dayun bawion kung saputon nako.. wala pa jud ko maanad. but i'm forgiving. :P he's really sweet when he isn't teasing me. so okies nalang. hahahaha
this is a picture of our wedding rings. :) his name is engraved on mine. and my name, kimberley (give chance kay mao man jud ang akoang spelling), is engraved on his. :)
since ako man ang gasuwat sa story, mao lang na akong wedding gift nimo baby ha? hahahaha we won after all. so bongga. :P see you tomorrow my sweet2.. mmmwwwaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
re-posting what CM Charms had posted. i like this a lot. :)
"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine
Hmmm… Can’t you tell I’m excited? It’s going to be in a few weeks. We have a lot of documents to process and I just can’t wait. I hate the long lines, but we have to make it happen soon. And I’m jumping-out-of-my-wits-excited. I want all the papers ready already! Hahahahah. And I wonder what it will be like to wear my wedding ring. Hihiihihh… Bobot (Amo ning joke ni Ison ^^). LOL. What will we have it engraved with? For Always. Forever. For All Eternity. You Bring Out The Best In Me. I can’t decide. =) Ison and Kim. Masakto kaha tanan?
Ison says it would have been better if it was a church wedding, but since that isn’t allowed yet, we’ll be doing the civil wedding first.
But you know what? It really doesn’t matter how it’s done. As long as it’s with him. I can’t imagine a different life with someone else. The church wedding will come later pa since I am going to have to change my religion first. I probably will try and start next month. How do I feel about it? Hmmm as of the moment, yes, it does hurt a bit because I will be leaving the religion I grew up in. But Ison wants us in the same church, so we won’t argue too much over our faith (like we almost did yesterday AGAIN).
And it’s okay. I’m already rational and spiritual enough to believe that God brought me to this. Perhaps this is where I’m supposed to be. (Para akong anak dili mapareha nako kabadlungon? Bwahhahahaha…) Bitaw oie, I’m going to do it for my Ison and our Castielle. This is for the family we will be building together. So no worries. ^^,)
Over a year ago, I wrote an entry in this blog and said I was wishful thinking, but I think I found the man I am going to marry. If you knew Ison for who he really is, then you would know just like how I did that day (As if ni POOF! lang? =P). You would know there is no one else for me but him. =) No one else could bring out the best in me but my Ison.
I miss him so much already. I guess that’s why I’m writing this. I spent the day with him yesterday running all around the city. City Health, NSO, Capitol, Pag-Ibig, blahblah… =) Kapoi kaayu but okay lang kuyog man mi. Hihihihi. He’s going to visit us here sa Minglanilla tomorrow. I can’t wait to see him again. =)
I hope you’re happy for me. This is going to be the start of something big in my life. And the immature me will be going through a major phase.. But I know everything’s going to be alright because Ison will be there holding my hand. He loves me. And I love him.
Well, bantayan sa nako si Eeyel. Here are some of my favorite love song lines. (Kay nagpatukar ko ron, and I only miss Ison even more ihihihihih)
----------------------------------------------- Suddenly our destiny has started to unfold When you’re next to me I can see the greatest story love has ever told Now my life is blessed with the love of an angel, how can it be true? Somebody to keep the dream alive, the dream I found in you I always thought that love would be the strangest thing to me But when we touch, I realize That I found my place in heaven by your side ----------------------------------------------- Let the world stop turning, let the sun stop burning Let them tell me love’s not worth going through If it all falls apart, I will know deep in my heart The only dream that mattered had come true Cause in this life, I was loved by you ----------------------------------------------- Now anyone who's felt the touch of heaven in their lives Will know the way I'm feeling, looking in my baby's eyes That's why I can't bear to be too far away I know that God must love me cause He sent you to me ----------------------------------------------- When I look into your eyes I can see how much I love you and it makes me realize When I look into your eyes We will always be together, and our love will never die When I look into your eyes I see all my dreams come true when I look into your eyes -----------------------------------------------
And lastly, akong isulat ang tibuok namo wedding song. Of course, sa church wedding na ni someday. =) ----------------------------------------------- Tell me can you feel my heart beat Tell me as i kneel down at your feet I knew there would come a time When these two hearts would entwine Just put your hand in mine Forever
For so long I have been an island When no one could ever reach the shores And we've got a whole lifetime to share And I'll always be there, darling this i swear
So please believe me for these words I say are true And don't deny me a lifetime loving you If you ask will I be true Do I give my all to you? Then I will say I do
I'm ready to begin this journey Well I'm with you with every step you take And we've got a whole lifetime to share And I'll always be there Darling this I swear
So please believe me for these words I say are true And don't deny me a lifetime loving you If you ask will I be true Do I give my all to you? Then I will say I do
So come on just take my hand oh come on Let’s make a stand for our love I know this is so hard to believe So please So please believe me for these words I say are true And don't deny me a lifetime loving you And if you ask will I be true And do I give my all to you?
If you ask if I’ll be true Do I give my all to you? Then I will say I do
When I was younger I saw my daddy cry And curse at the wind He broke his own heart and I watched as he tried To reassemble it
And my momma swore that she would never let herself forget And that was the day that I promised I'd never sing of love if it does not exist But darling...
You are the only exception You are the only exception You are the only exception You are the only exception
Well maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul That love never lasts And we've got to find other ways to make it alone Or keep a straight face
And I've always lived like this keeping a comfortable Distance And up until now i swored to myself that I'm content with loneliness Because none of it was ever worth the risk Well...
You are the only exception You are the only exception You are the only exception You are the only exception
I've got a tight grip on reality But I can't let go of whats part of me here i know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream
You are the only exception You are the only exception You are the only exception You are the only exception
You are the only exception You are the only exception You are the only exception You are the only exception
And I'm on my way to believing Oh and I'm on my way to believing
This is a narration of the love I have for you. It would never be complete I know, for words can never describe this love. But I would like to tell you all the reasons why, in this world of worlds, I would rather not be anywhere else than here with you. And why, months from now, it is for you I will give my vow of eternal love, before man, and before God.
This is so you would never forget even through all the difficult days I might have to put you through... This is so you will always know that whatever happens, you are the only one in the world for me and that I love you so. I bet this is going to be long. You know how talkative I can get. :) I’ll just add more if I don’t get to finish it today.
Hmmm…
You often wonder exactly when I fell in love with you. I cannot quite remember either. It happened like springtime. Like movie springtime, you suddenly find all the flowers in bloom, after long days of winter. It had been a difficult three years before that day, and then for the first time, after a long time, I smiled for real. Because I woke up that morning and came to the realization that finally, I found the man I was going to marry.
I remember it was after that advice outside global.. that encounter with the old woman.. the talks until the wee hours of the morning.. the daily lunches and dinners.. it was after being with you for many months and finding out who you really are.
I did struggle days before that, because I was treading a difficult line. I had to choose whether it was wrong or right. But I fell in love with you anyway, because you are who you are. And after years of searching for you and having found you at last, I was willing to give up everything else. I hope everyone else would understand why I chose you... why I chose this.
You are more important than anything else I have in this world.
You say you are the luckiest in the world to have me. When in truth, I am the lucky one. Because of all the people in the world, it is I you had chosen to love the way you do.
I cry like hell for almost everything in the world. And you wipe away my tears day after day. Without meaning to, I get hurt for even the simplest of gestures, the smallest of words, the tiniest details, and regardless of whether I hide it or not, you always know what to do. And even when there are days I would think you could not put up with it anymore, you always come back and love me anyway, and you blow all the pain away.
You have been very good to me. You do all the little things for me. You serve me like I am your princess. You take care of me like I am a fragile little child. And you reprimand me when I do wrong. You stare at me lovingly, even when I look my worst, and you find me beautiful still. You cuddle with me. And you never forget to tell me just how much you love me. You never fail to kiss me on the forehead because you know I like it. You let me disturb you even when you’re busy just because I wanted you to notice me. You tease me rotten, until I punch you and cry, and then you always find a way to make it better.
You let me take care of you the best way I could, even when it really does not matter at all. You allow me to clip your nails even if you know I’ve never clipped mine (my nails are not growing anymore). You let me comb your hair. You let me massage you even when you know I give the worse massages in the world. You let me clean up even if you know I’m the worst housekeeper since clumsy-me will just make an awful lot of mess, and you forgive me anyway.
You let me tutor you because you know I want to do so. And you have intellectual conversations with me, sometimes it ends badly, but you always find ways to make me cool down after I argue too much about our points of view. You understand my immaturity. And you are patient with my laziness.
You have all those surprises for me, gifts that for some people would not mean much, but you know they mean a lot to me. You listen to me talk about all sorts of things; sometimes even for hours (I must imagine how difficult it’s been). You respect me and believe in me. You know how low my self-esteem is, but you have confidence in me.
You try so hard to make me proud of you. It’s as if you do not know that I already am... that no failing grade, no forgotten promise, no bad fight, or anything else is going to change that. You are the best friend (you can ask every single friend you know), the understanding brother (you always are the unwearied one), the obedient son (I know how much you admire and respect your father and your mother), the trusting soul (I know how much you love God), the faithful husband (I know you are), and the loving father (our future children would not find a better one than you).
And you are proud of me. In spite of everything I had gone through in life, and all the things I have done. I have never really been as proud of myself as I am with you.
I don’t think I can fit it all here. I just wanted to tell you about all the things you do for me you see. And I kinda’ got carried away. :)
But you know what my best memories of you are? It’s during the times when I wake up late. It’s when I sleep in and wake up to your kisses and hugs, and then you still let me go back to sleep, then you do it all again a little later because you miss me, even when I’m only a door away. It’s during my sleepovers, when in the middle of the night, you suddenly wake from your sleep to hug me tight and kiss me and a few seconds later, you snore your heart out. It’s during those moments when you talk about the family we would have someday, and how, with all sincerity, you tell me you would give me all that.
And I can’t help but cry and wonder how in the world I deserved you.
You are my proof of God’s infinite love for me. And the family we will be creating will be a witness to that. I love you my Ison. Nothing is ever going to change that. I love you more than you would ever know, and much much more than I could ever show.
And if somebody asked about life before I even met you, I would not be able to remember. Everything that happened in the past was just part of me getting ready so I could love you the way I know how to love you now. Life for me began when you arrived. The life I always wanted to have. Sure, I have dreamt it chronologically different, but now that I’m here, I would not wish for it any other way. I’m just happy.
There are still a few things we have to fix though. But it’s going to be okay. You always assure me that as long as we’re together, we’re going to be just fine. And I believe you with all my heart and soul. In three years, we’ll have good jobs (I hope you get the one you’re going to be really happy in :)), a good house (of course hihihihi), and the most loving child (maybe more hihihihi). And we’ll let the years roll by.
And then we can make the situation you talked to me about come true, about us getting old together, going to do grocery together still even during that age, hearing mass together, and then calling each other the sweetest names as if we were still 16.
You are the sweetest person in the world, you know that? And I am the only one you show that to. :) Am I not blessed?
I hope whatever the world throws at us, we’ll remain forever true like we vowed to be. I will pray every day for the strength and the wisdom for that.
You are my angel, the touch of heaven in my life. I love you my sweet.
this is the only place (of course other than talking to ison) where i can say what's on my mind without negative reactions allowed. and i really wanted to say a few things.
this is addressed to all the people who care.
i know i act like a child, and as ideal as i want my future to be, i know life is difficult. and i have learned many many many times how cruel the world is, the hard way. and if you are only afraid that i will get my heart broken again, i am a million times much more scared than you are. but i am facing it with all the optimism i have, because you know what? i believe this is what makes my life beautiful anyway. and this is something i really really really would like to last.
i wonder why everyone needs to go negative all of a sudden. just because i decided to get married soon, does that really make it look like i am playing one of my weird games? why do people look at marriage as if it's something i should be really scared about?
i think every bride should be filled with all the hopes of what her married future would bring, not scared of all the things which may or may not happen. is being married really all that bad? that you all have to advice me to try and live it out with the husband i would have and check if it works out fine and if we won't get tired of each other? i don't get it.
isn't that what the promise of marriage is?
that whatever you find out about the person after you get married and vow each other eternity, you would stay and be with them still. you accept them for who they are. and you love them in spite of all their flaws, as you have promised.
no one is perfect, they become perfect for you only if you learn to accept them for who they are, with all their barenakedness. why is it that people tell me that when we do get married, he will show me who he really is and by then i'll probably wonder what the hell i was thinking?
i know who he is. he is the one who loves me in spite of everything i have done. he is the person i am going to rely my entire life unto. and he is the one i am ready to spend my entire life with.
and yes, you say he is young, but if his love is as true as my love (which i know it is), it will last. and yes, he will change, a countless times he will. and i will change with him. i will love the person he is going to change into, as he had said, if he changes, he changes only for the better, and we will only love each other even more. and i trust him.
this person will become the father of all the children i'll have. he will be the person i will wake up with 10, 20, 30 --50 years from now. he will be the person i will be hearing mass with when i'm 70, and kiss right before i sleep. and if God will take me first, he will be the person next to me on my deathbed.
and yes, i know what i am getting myself into. and i am not going to regret it. because a lifetime is not long enough for me to love ison with all my heart and soul.
my life had not been nice.. and for those who know, i probably never had a childhood. i loved difficultly.. and i fell down a million times harder than most people. i made the worst mistakes i could make and i am sorry for every single one of them.
and i am still here because i had my dreams. i had to get through to see my happy ending come true. and it's almost here. i am finally happy now... don't you think this is something that you should at least give me? shouldn't i have the right to be happy for this?
i think i deserve it.
so don't scare me anymore. i don't need it.
i'm going to love being married. and this is going to be one of the best things that's gonna happen to me.
at first, i really did not answer the call, what more could he say anyway? but i figured since it's something i don't want to be bothered about some other day, i answered it anyway.
he asked how i was doing... asked how my world was... asked about his brother... asked about school... asked about the enrolment... asked about stuff i really think he could just have asked about from someone else. and i guess i really didn't want to be impolite. i waited until he ran out of questions so i could put the phone down. ison was there after all. and i know how heavy it must have been for him.
and there it came. the apology.
"sorry."
for what? what does an apology really do? i don't believe you should ask for forgiveness for breaking someone's heart long after it's over. it's not needed. and i doubt it's something the other party wants to hear. what good does it do really? for the heartbreaker, would it ease up the burden he carries when he thinks about how much of a horrible person he really is?
there are things i wanted to say too. like how i know the truth. like how i know what he said. like how i know what he did. but there are some things better left unsaid. it's all part of some yesterday i have trouble remembering now. what good does it do anyway? i'm happy now. and the person he is now is not the person i would really like to explain anything to.
the person he is is not the person i had loved once, a long time ago. i doubt that person really did exist, after knowing what i know.
when an apology like that comes, you do not really know what to say. i, for sure, didn't. so i said it did not matter. that was something that happened a long time ago. and whatever.. and i said goodbye.. it was an apology unwanted. it was an apology unneeded.
and you know what? even when i thought he no longer had a hold over me or could ever destroy my life again, indirectly, he still matters. because until now, ison hates me.
he hates for me for taking the call. and i have done everything i know to make it all go away. to make us be like it was before i took the call... but nothing worked.
i'm almost giving up. when the person i love does something wrong like that, i get violent, then i cry... then when he hugs me and assures me everything is fine, everything else won't matter and things go back to the way they were. but with ison it's different.
the more i try to talk about it, the more we head to an argument that hurts us both. and even if i swallow my pride and beg him over and over to forgive me for taking that call, the more he finds ways to tell me things that make it all worse. i gave him some time alone, and still nothing's better.. i let us sleep over it, and it's still not better. i watched him sleep all night and showered him with a million hugs and kisses, and still it's not getting better. i assured him of how much i love him, and nothing's the same still.
i ran out of options now. i'm not the kind of person who runs away from the consequences of what i know i really did do. and although it's really hard to accept it, i face it anyhow.
i made a mistake when i took that call. i really hate myself for listening to what he had to say, i really did not want to after all.. it was uncalled for. and it was unnecessary.
and if ison hates me for having done that, then i guess there's only one thing left to do but to accept it. if he cannot forgive me, after doing every known apology i could do, then it's not up to me anymore.
i'll pray he finds it in his heart to forgive me. if he really loves me as much as he says he does, then there's really nothing i should be worried about right?
i'm going home to see my lola tomorrow. and when i do, i pray he'd be with me then and realize that instead of making this worse by letting that someone from my past destroy what we had built together, we can just live our lives and be happy again.
we have a lot to look forward to after all when the fruit of our love would finally be here.
It's been long since i last updated my blog with words of my own...
So what's going on recently? I've been busy. Hahahaha...
No, the truth is, I'm just madly in love. And time for other stuff like this seems to have gotten lost somewhere between the hugs and the kisses... So why am i updating?
I was reading an article on love today... something i found as a text document sa My Documents sa akong PC. I have no idea how it got here. It's a talk about how love comes and goes.... and I found a line I really liked...
"...the secret of love is that it is a gift, and that it can be made to grow only by giving it away."
I think that is true. Only by giving love away can it grow more and more. When love usually starts, it fills to overflowing. And then it cools. It recedes. It grows only when you give it away. When at this stage, it is not to be sought. It is generated.
You are made complete by love when you give it away.
God has given me a blessing this month. I bet this is one way our love is made to grow. And I am very happy.
Perhaps if we waited two years from now, life may take on a different path, and things might have been different. I would not want that. I want this one to be the last one. The one I will say my I Do's to..
God loves me so much. I know for sure. All this time, I have failed to see the plans He had for me. But when I asked for this blessing, He gave it to me right away, at a time when I thought it was close to impossible. This must be the right time for it. ^^
and I am very happy... I will tell you the details when the time comes. But as of now, let's lie low. ^^ and just be in love. ahhahahahahha
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the self-same well from which your laughter rises was often-times filled with your tears. -Kahlil Gibran
but i'm finally happy now. :)
"now anyone who's felt the touch of heaven in their lives, will know the way i'm feeling looking in my baby's eyes.... that's why i can't bear to be too far away..
i know that God must love me coz He sent you to me."
i finally understood that i, sometime before last night, had fallen over the precipice i promised never to fall into again.
i did not know.
but after last night, i realized i had already let go and jumped without meaning to. i thought i was just leaning over the edge and looking down.. checking to see if it was safer this time.
but i already jumped. it's already starting to hurt.
sigh. ..to feel so much that it already starts to hurt. and i am petrified.
i think i know what's going to happen to me when i reach the bottom. and i think i know how sad, how crazy, and how painful it will be.
but faith. faith.
he said he's going to break my fall. faith. faith.
i jumped and believed... scared to death, but did anyhow.
this would be worth it. this one is worth taking that risk. my heart somehow knows it would be.
so it's faith, he says. i just need to have faith. to just confidently believe that when i do reach the bottom, he'll be there like he said he would.
and my happily-ever-after comes true.
Dont you let go of me - Ilse De Lange No solid ground, no relief to be found No promises, no demands, no depending Silence, no rules, no bending No mystery There's only you
I live inside an empty room that's now inside my head And everywhere and all around, only your arms that I feel Don't you let go of me
No comfort, no words and no ending Solitude, I am tired of pretending Still There's only you
I live inside an empty room that's now inside my head And everywhere and all around, only your arms that I feel Don't you let go of me The ceiling high, the walls are wide, no floor beneath my feet Nowhere to go, nowhere to be and you're still all that I see Don't you let go of me
Be quiet, maybe you can hear my heart Be quiet, maybe you won't break me apart It's all down to you It's all down to you It's all down to you It's all down to you It's all down to you
I live inside an empty room that's now inside my head And everywhere and all around, only your arms that I feel Don't you let go of me The ceiling high, the walls are wide, no floor beneath my feet Nowhere to go, nowhere to be and you're still all that I see Don't you let go of me
You're still all that I need Don't you let go of me
i always believed that one cannot give what he does not have. i told myself that i can only give love that amounts to whatever love i am given. and so it went like that for a very long time. whatever love i had ever since i came into the world, i gave it all to someone... overflowing or not, i believed it was all i had. and when he left me, well, you could say, i lost my sanity for a moment there.
and to anyone that followed, i gave pieces of whatever i had left and whatever i've been offered each single day. but did i, really? because now that i think about it, i think i gave more.
how would that be possible? one cannot offer more of something he does not have. where did i get all that love? and BANG, it hit me... i forgot my God's love for me.
after careful thought and a lot of sorrys in between, i now say love is different. because i can always make more when i need it. i now remember that i have been loved immeasurably, unendingly, and a lot lot more than i could imagine.
love is infinite. love is infinite. love is infinite.
i cannot measure the amount of it i give or the amount of it i am given. and i was wrong to ever think of it that way. i can never measure God's love... and i will never be able to compare to how much of it He gives me. and whatever love i gave was only a miniscule part of all that. and i laugh at myself for believing i had nothing left. i've forgotten that that would never happen.
hihihihihi. weeeeeeeeeee and u wonder why i'm writing this. hmmmmm... this is for everyone. so they can understand why it is as it is so. ^^
i am loved infinitely... and that is more than enough to see myself through.
for eusie (i remembered you when i wrote down the last sentence... kalit lang. i dunno why.) i hope i got to tell you the lines i wrote in bold. i was never able to. and i would never know if it would be able to change anything at all. actually i hope i did a lot lot more even. but still, wherever you are now, i hope you know. and i hope you're finally better. my prayers tonight are for you.
today i lost my bestfriend. i'm sorry for the pain. i'm sorry. if i could only blow it all away like i used to. if only.. but i can't. it just won't be that easy. i'm sorry. i am hurting. i am hurting because i made you cry. i made you beg. i made you so sad. i am so sorry. i am sorry. i am sorry.
i'm still here, you know? i'm not going anywhere. so one day, if in case u need a friend, u'd know where to find me. take care.
last night was fun deanne... hahahahha im leaving it up to you to blog about it. i hope you didn't get late for the charity thingy. :) so dearie and cora, sunod na sad. :) mwahmwahmwah i love you guys.
i wanted to blog about what happened but there are just some things i'd like to say to someone and i think it is better that i write about this first.
i don't know what to say. i don't know how to say it exactly so you wouldn't feel like i don't care anymore.
i would want to write back, and tell you how i feel. but a personal email would not work for me. i would not know where to start. i bet you're not expecting a reply either so i did not force myself to write you one. it's better that i write what i feel here. i never expected you read my blog.
i write it here because i want my friends to know that i'm not as helpless as i once had been...
that's really sweet.
it is.
to talk about what you feel. and to read that you still love me.
but while reading it, i can only smile so sadly. i'm sorry i did not tell you. i'm sorry that it had to come to this.
but "what happens once will not happen again. what happens twice would surely happen a third time." and you said so yourself, without trust, love cannot be love. one cannot love without trust. and i don't think i can ever trust you again to take care of this heart. you've stepped on it countless times. i gave you chances to prove yourself, like the many chances you, too, had given me. but let's face it. we both screwed up.
i failed you. and well...
you disappointed me... too many times.
we're not meant for each other. deep down you know that. perhaps what you feel right now is just the fear that you're losing me. but you aren't going to lose me. i'll always be here for you like i said i would. i care for you. and you will always be my friend.
but i'd like to find the one that i am meant for now... that someone who would understand my childish ways... that someone who would hug me when i cry... that someone who would run after me when i walk out... that someone who'd accept me for who i am.. that someone who would be willing to marry me and be with me forever.
and you see? that someone isn't you. you scold me all the time for being childish. you hate it when i want to cuddle. you call me overacting when i cry. you turn your back on me when i walk out. you don't care when i pout. you say you only love me today. hahahhaha... actually, you never say you love me. it's so hard for you to say that. you had hurt me too much, don't you see?
the night when i begged you to "just love me again", i felt you had literally taken my heart out and torn it to pieces. i told you how cruel you are. and how bad a person you are.. and how much i hate it that you just don't care. that was the last time you hurt me. that was the last time i'll ever allow you to hurt me. after all my anger and frustration, i think my last message was.."don't worry. maybe tomorrow will be day i realize you're not worth this at all." and it came true.
something in me died that night. you forced it to.
people change. they don't change back. it's just the way the world works. and you won't change back. if you did, then i hope you can even be more sweeter with the one meant for you. you'll find the one meant for you, i know. i could say i wish it was me... but.... some things are just too late. i have changed. and i'm not changing back. i'll keep praying you find the one who would love you the way i wished i could have.
i hope during this time that we're apart, you'll be able to think clearly. and maybe when you come back, we'll be better... better friends than we ever were. i'm sorry about this. i'm so sorry. i wish i could take away all your confusion. and be happy for me. like the kind of friend i always knew you are.
and yeah, what you're feeling is just part of the breakup. and like you said, it will pass. i know you'll be better. we both know that. i'm sorry if daghan ko'g gistorya and wala ra jud to labot ta sa imong giemail. but i also needed you to know.
and about your favor... i don't know what to say, i would want to say yes. but it wasn't me who closed the door. you did. and i feel it is locked forever.
i am better now. what we have now is better. this friendship would last for always. we'll do it right this time. and we'll just forget we ever crossed that line.
we're better now. i know you believe that, too. i know you know that.
somebody asked me. and i just smiled. i guess if you try to understand me in the many ways i now look at life, you would say i'm more than inlove. :)
i found someone i truly care about. and as of now (i'm sorry hahaha can't tell you), i have to keep him a secret. i know i may be wrong and it isn't really time for us anyway, so i have to keep this classified until that day. i hope we both could wait no matter how long it takes. ^^
but it's not just about this particular guy really.
it's about the thought that unlike all the rest of em who came after ronron, there was no pain nor insecurities this time. there were no doubts nor questions. there was only me trusting myself that i could do it right this time...
it's about me falling in love with life all over again. it's about me hearing masses again. it's about me smiling without that sting in my heart again. it's about me going back to the start, before the pain began.
yes, i am in-love... with myself, with my God, with the world, and with him. ^^
Here in the night
I see the sun
Here in the dark
Our two hearts are one
It's out of our hands
We can't stop what we have begun
And love just took me by surprise
Looking through your eyes
"i have no time to change", i said today. but the world asks me to. and i tell it, "i have no time to change."
i'm plotting down a schedule good enough for me. i think if i manage it, i'll be fine. but then.... but then.... (this is for you, if you know who you are.), i'd probably have no time for you. i am scared. i'm scared of all the things i need to do. and i might fail... i do not want to try and fail. i don't think my heart can take it.
and i hope you understand. give me a few years for this, and then maybe i can start thinking about us. it's not yet time anyway. i've been from major breakups lately. and maybe, maybe, changing this lifestyle would help me heal and be ready for you... if you could wait that long. we can stay the way we are for the mean time. and please don't ask me to rush.
i hope you can hold it in for the moment. i just have no time.
there is no thin line between them. but it seems i am crossing one fine wire. and so i'll go with the flow. and just see what happens in the end. that's all i can do anyway. life offers you lots of chances to screw up. and whether this is one big screw up or something that could most probably be right, then i'd just have to wait and see.
