at first, i really did not answer the call, what more could he say anyway? but i figured since it's something i don't want to be bothered about some other day, i answered it anyway.
he asked how i was doing... asked how my world was... asked about his brother... asked about school... asked about the enrolment... asked about stuff i really think he could just have asked about from someone else. and i guess i really didn't want to be impolite. i waited until he ran out of questions so i could put the phone down. ison was there after all. and i know how heavy it must have been for him.
and there it came. the apology.
"sorry."
for what? what does an apology really do? i don't believe you should ask for forgiveness for breaking someone's heart long after it's over. it's not needed. and i doubt it's something the other party wants to hear. what good does it do really? for the heartbreaker, would it ease up the burden he carries when he thinks about how much of a horrible person he really is?
there are things i wanted to say too. like how i know the truth. like how i know what he said. like how i know what he did. but there are some things better left unsaid. it's all part of some yesterday i have trouble remembering now. what good does it do anyway? i'm happy now. and the person he is now is not the person i would really like to explain anything to.
the person he is is not the person i had loved once, a long time ago. i doubt that person really did exist, after knowing what i know.
when an apology like that comes, you do not really know what to say. i, for sure, didn't. so i said it did not matter. that was something that happened a long time ago. and whatever.. and i said goodbye.. it was an apology unwanted. it was an apology unneeded.
and you know what? even when i thought he no longer had a hold over me or could ever destroy my life again, indirectly, he still matters. because until now, ison hates me.
he hates for me for taking the call. and i have done everything i know to make it all go away. to make us be like it was before i took the call... but nothing worked.
i'm almost giving up. when the person i love does something wrong like that, i get violent, then i cry... then when he hugs me and assures me everything is fine, everything else won't matter and things go back to the way they were. but with ison it's different.
the more i try to talk about it, the more we head to an argument that hurts us both. and even if i swallow my pride and beg him over and over to forgive me for taking that call, the more he finds ways to tell me things that make it all worse. i gave him some time alone, and still nothing's better.. i let us sleep over it, and it's still not better. i watched him sleep all night and showered him with a million hugs and kisses, and still it's not getting better. i assured him of how much i love him, and nothing's the same still.
i ran out of options now. i'm not the kind of person who runs away from the consequences of what i know i really did do. and although it's really hard to accept it, i face it anyhow.
i made a mistake when i took that call. i really hate myself for listening to what he had to say, i really did not want to after all.. it was uncalled for. and it was unnecessary.
and if ison hates me for having done that, then i guess there's only one thing left to do but to accept it. if he cannot forgive me, after doing every known apology i could do, then it's not up to me anymore.
i'll pray he finds it in his heart to forgive me. if he really loves me as much as he says he does, then there's really nothing i should be worried about right?
i'm going home to see my lola tomorrow. and when i do, i pray he'd be with me then and realize that instead of making this worse by letting that someone from my past destroy what we had built together, we can just live our lives and be happy again.
we have a lot to look forward to after all when the fruit of our love would finally be here.
