last night was fun deanne... hahahahha im leaving it up to you to blog about it. i hope you didn't get late for the charity thingy. :) so dearie and cora, sunod na sad. :) mwahmwahmwah i love you guys.
i wanted to blog about what happened but there are just some things i'd like to say to someone and i think it is better that i write about this first.
i don't know what to say. i don't know how to say it exactly so you wouldn't feel like i don't care anymore.
i would want to write back, and tell you how i feel. but a personal email would not work for me. i would not know where to start. i bet you're not expecting a reply either so i did not force myself to write you one. it's better that i write what i feel here. i never expected you read my blog.
i write it here because i want my friends to know that i'm not as helpless as i once had been...
that's really sweet.
it is.
to talk about what you feel. and to read that you still love me.
but while reading it, i can only smile so sadly. i'm sorry i did not tell you. i'm sorry that it had to come to this.
but "what happens once will not happen again. what happens twice would surely happen a third time." and you said so yourself, without trust, love cannot be love. one cannot love without trust. and i don't think i can ever trust you again to take care of this heart. you've stepped on it countless times. i gave you chances to prove yourself, like the many chances you, too, had given me. but let's face it. we both screwed up.
i failed you. and well...
you disappointed me... too many times.
we're not meant for each other. deep down you know that. perhaps what you feel right now is just the fear that you're losing me. but you aren't going to lose me. i'll always be here for you like i said i would. i care for you. and you will always be my friend.
but i'd like to find the one that i am meant for now... that someone who would understand my childish ways... that someone who would hug me when i cry... that someone who would run after me when i walk out... that someone who'd accept me for who i am.. that someone who would be willing to marry me and be with me forever.
and you see? that someone isn't you. you scold me all the time for being childish. you hate it when i want to cuddle. you call me overacting when i cry. you turn your back on me when i walk out. you don't care when i pout. you say you only love me today. hahahhaha... actually, you never say you love me. it's so hard for you to say that. you had hurt me too much, don't you see?
the night when i begged you to "just love me again", i felt you had literally taken my heart out and torn it to pieces. i told you how cruel you are. and how bad a person you are.. and how much i hate it that you just don't care. that was the last time you hurt me. that was the last time i'll ever allow you to hurt me. after all my anger and frustration, i think my last message was.."don't worry. maybe tomorrow will be day i realize you're not worth this at all." and it came true.
something in me died that night. you forced it to.
people change. they don't change back. it's just the way the world works. and you won't change back. if you did, then i hope you can even be more sweeter with the one meant for you. you'll find the one meant for you, i know. i could say i wish it was me... but.... some things are just too late. i have changed. and i'm not changing back. i'll keep praying you find the one who would love you the way i wished i could have.
i hope during this time that we're apart, you'll be able to think clearly. and maybe when you come back, we'll be better... better friends than we ever were. i'm sorry about this. i'm so sorry. i wish i could take away all your confusion. and be happy for me. like the kind of friend i always knew you are.
and yeah, what you're feeling is just part of the breakup. and like you said, it will pass. i know you'll be better. we both know that. i'm sorry if daghan ko'g gistorya and wala ra jud to labot ta sa imong giemail. but i also needed you to know.
and about your favor... i don't know what to say, i would want to say yes. but it wasn't me who closed the door. you did. and i feel it is locked forever.
i am better now. what we have now is better. this friendship would last for always. we'll do it right this time. and we'll just forget we ever crossed that line.
we're better now. i know you believe that, too. i know you know that.
