i do not know if this is bad. or if this is something good.
i have been told people go through a major change once every two years, and i think the major changes are happening now. i am not in a very good stage of my life. i am not at all happy with whatever i'm going through. but this will pass. the transition is difficult but i think i am gonna be fine. this time, i know i will turn out just fine. greater storms had come. and i am still here. i know i will get through this...
and i may not be as best as i had been with you, but i will be stronger when i finally get over you. i am, at present, lying on a ditch. but I am crawling myself out... slowly... slowly... instead of just lying here and doing nothing. i am realizing that it is better that i do not wait for you anymore to come and rescue me. i will be my own knight in shining armor. i am rescuing myself this time.
i am trying to learn to get by without you, you see... that is why i have written this. it's almost been three years since you first left me. and i guess it is finally time i accept that you are gone. last night, when i thought of you and how you might come back to keep the promises you gave me, i no longer cried. and i did not feel that hurt that always came everytime i heard your name. i miss you. i miss you so much... but i do not know if i.. if i.. really want you back in my life after all the pain i had to go through. and i am very sad to say this.. but it is the truth dodong nako.
do i hate you now? no. because i think i love you just the same. and in many ways, that will never change. you will always be that one great love of my life. and i wish that maybe, in another lifetime, you'd be that again. and then hopefully, in that lifetime, you'd learn to stay. but i think now, someone better is coming. i think he'll be more responsible than you ever were. and he'd be more handsome. and he'd love me as much as you once had. and that love he gives me will last and it will never falter. i am wishful thinking. i know. hahaha. but everyone has that right, so shoot me.
i think i deserve that anyway. i think it's going to take long. but it will come. and i am not rushing that. i hope i can be strong enough by then to love him just as much as i had love you. i truly hope so.
i realize, too, just yesterday, that i am not ready to love again just yet. there are lots of things i need to clean up in my life... baggages i have long been carrying... cobwebs in the closet... and a sullied system! hahahahha.. and i am just not able to love again just as much. i'd pray everyday that i would learn to trust and love again... but until then, i'll be fine this way.
and i realize still... that it's better to live. it's better to live and see what happens than die miserably (literal or not). you had shown me after all, once upon a time, how beautiful the world is. and how, we may never know, that life can be so much better when tomorrow comes. so i'll wait and see what happens. let's just both see what happens, okay? and be fine baby. i know you will be. but for a few moments perhaps sometimes before you sleep (hopefully even sometimes), i hope you'd think that you're doing so for me.. :)
