i hope you won't be mad at me when you read this. and i hope you'ld understand. i hope nothing's gonna change. but i'd like to say what's on my mind. and what's on my heart before i burst and things get worse.
you do know how much i had loved ronie. and how, in ways i could not explain, i just could not let that love go. they said it is human nature to move on... but it has been so long now, and i still find it hard to do so. maybe it is because i keep on opening up all these wounds. and because i nurture all the memories and hold on to the promises that he might have long forgotten. and i know i'm not being fair. and i can't really tell you i can explain why things are the way they are.... i'm sorry.
you know i try hard. i try so hard to show you love the way i should. and you have told me that i do it so well. that i take good care of you. and that i give you more than enough. you know i used to believe i can make this love greater than what i used to have. that i can find as much happiness with you as i had once did. but you left me anyway to fend off for myself. you gave up even before i had the chance to fall in love with you. you left me alone to tend to to the wounds ronie left, along with the new wounds you have given me. you broke my already broken heart. and you hurt my already wounded soul. i had trusted you to make me whole again but you left me even more broken.
and still i managed to bleed through it. i managed to keep myself sane. i managed it with long hours of cabal and dota to blow all the troubles away.
and now, you came back. you came back because you realized that i was more special to you than you thought i was. you came back at a time when i no longer care anymore about where all this goes. when i only expect the worse from life. when i go through days one day at a time not hoping for more.
and i kept my promises to you. i once said i will be with you as long as you need me.. and now, i'm here. and i try even harder. i try to be the great love you expect me to be.
but i'm sorry. i'm sorry... i am a hypocrite. i am a cheat. because when i close my eyes, i do not dream that we will last. i do not expect it. i just assume that one day, just like all the rest, again you'd get tired and leave me behind. i cry a lot. you know i do. but during difficult days, when you scare me with breaking up, you notice i no longer cry. i am sorry. i know it is unfair. but it's all i know now. and i want to love you with all my heart. i am loving you the best way i can. but it is not real love. it is not the kind of love i know i would keep forever. i show it. but in the deepest parts of who i am, i know it is not.
because real love has no hesitations. and i hesitate a lot.
and i know you do too. you could not even say "i love you". so how can i really be sure? you show care but only when you want to. you do not trust me (and i understand why, hell, i do not even trust myself). but it's really hard. it's really really hard. and i hope you can understand why things are like this between us now... why some days, i choose to live a world outside yours.. why i try to find new friends... why i keep secrets from you... why always, at the end of the day, i try to leave something for myself.
i cannot give you my hopes of forever. i do not think i still have that you see. somebody took it. and he didn't know how much of me he had brought with him when he left.
and it is unfair, yes. but nothing in the world isn't.
i don't know. i just feel very lonely.
and i don't know what got into my mind that i decided to write this. maybe it's the rain. maybe it's the sting in my heart you brought when you told me that you just won't care about what i do now.
i have to drink.
God. i thought i won't be needing it, but i just changed my mind. i hope you don't get to read this.
