well, i was kinda wondering the entire day why everyone i seem to love leave me in the end. a very close friend of mine once said, i just kept asking for too much.. and all the rest of them just couldn't seem to understand how much of myself i really give.
bitaw..... sa tinuod lang. gamay ra man ako gipangayo bah. siguro lisud lang jud tingai makapangita ug tawo makasabot ana.
for my soul, i need the one i love to bring me to church every sunday. so i would be able to hear him ask God to make our love stronger. i would be able to hear him ask God to hep him love me more. a trustworthy man would never promise Him he'd take care of me when in the end he knows he could not. i just need to be sure. isn't that what we all really need?
for my brain, i need him to give me conversations intellectual enough for my taste. we don't have to agree on everything, we could disagree all the time... but in the end, i would hope he'd be able to understand why i think that way.... and he'd be able to accept my views for that. he'd also need to accept the fact that i can be better than him in some ways. and in some ways, i can be worse than he is.
for the child in me, i'd like someone i can googoogaagaa with sometimes, who wouldn't think i am too immature for anything... i'd like to play games with him, run with him, laugh with him until my cheekbones hurt... and if i ever put on my sooo-amazed-this-is-so-cool face, he'd understand why sometimes i find wonder in a lot of simple things.
for my heart, i need him to tell me that he loves me everyday. i have that tendency to forget, you see. and i need him to remind me every once in a while. i need him to make me feel that he'd do anything for me, even though he knows deep inside he could not. i just need to feel needed and cared for. i need him to make me feel that he won't be able to stand to lose me...
i'm not the person who leaves a relationship like everyone i know does. when i say i'll stay, i'll stay. even if one day i get tired of getting hurt all the time, i will never decide to leave. i might regret that choice someday, you see, and i wouldn't want that. if the choice wasn't mine, then it'd be a lot easier for me. i think i deserve that anyway for loving too much. and not being given the love i deserve. at least that's what i think so...
i'm pretty drunk right now. and i don't really know for sure what the hell i am saying.
is everything i've written about the love i need in my life too much? is that why people decide to leave me anyhow? could anyone tell me then how i can ask for just a little and be happy about the love i'm given anyway?
i don't ask for too much about everything. i just ask for too much love. i need to be loved as if there would be no end to it. that's all i really need.
one day, when i find the person who would never let me go, those who did would realize how little i'm asking for right now really was. and they'd realize that if they only stayed, i would have been able to show them just how much love i can really give. but then when that day comes, i wouldn't care. because i would be so happy loving someone else with everything i am.
bitaw... i'm just so tired right now.... of waiting.... of hoping for something more... of loving too much.
you know how it is when you love someone very much and be left behind anyway, u lose a part of urself? a part u know u'd never be able to get back? and no matter how much u cry, and no matter how much u hate, and no matter how hard u try to forget, ud never be whole again?
i feel like i've lost another part of me again today.
and it's a part i will miss.... and i'll cry for it everynight until the day i die. i'm just so tired now that i feel it's better to lose it than know that the one i'm losing it to would never love me enough to stop this pain.
