i always believed that one cannot give what he does not have. i told myself that i can only give love that amounts to whatever love i am given. and so it went like that for a very long time. whatever love i had ever since i came into the world, i gave it all to someone... overflowing or not, i believed it was all i had. and when he left me, well, you could say, i lost my sanity for a moment there.
and to anyone that followed, i gave pieces of whatever i had left and whatever i've been offered each single day. but did i, really? because now that i think about it, i think i gave more.
how would that be possible? one cannot offer more of something he does not have. where did i get all that love? and BANG, it hit me... i forgot my God's love for me.
after careful thought and a lot of sorrys in between, i now say love is different. because i can always make more when i need it. i now remember that i have been loved immeasurably, unendingly, and a lot lot more than i could imagine.
love is infinite. love is infinite. love is infinite.
i cannot measure the amount of it i give or the amount of it i am given. and i was wrong to ever think of it that way. i can never measure God's love... and i will never be able to compare to how much of it He gives me. and whatever love i gave was only a miniscule part of all that. and i laugh at myself for believing i had nothing left. i've forgotten that that would never happen.
hihihihihi. weeeeeeeeeee and u wonder why i'm writing this. hmmmmm... this is for everyone. so they can understand why it is as it is so. ^^
i am loved infinitely... and that is more than enough to see myself through.
for eusie (i remembered you when i wrote down the last sentence... kalit lang. i dunno why.) i hope i got to tell you the lines i wrote in bold. i was never able to. and i would never know if it would be able to change anything at all. actually i hope i did a lot lot more even. but still, wherever you are now, i hope you know. and i hope you're finally better. my prayers tonight are for you.
it's a difficult word. i never knew what it meant really... until i felt it. until i gave mine.
when you break a heart that trusts you, does the trust ever grow back? i guess not. mine never did.
but i'd like to again. i'd like to find someone i could trust my entire life on. and i'd like to find someone who would trust me too.. who would say that no matter what happens, he'll believe in me even if no one else in the world does...
i guess i would never outrun the part where i lost my trust in the one i had depended my entire life on. it's the part where i got hurt... where i lost myself... where i lost track of who i believed myself to be.. i would like to run away from that part. and never look back.. if i could only find that someone who would believe in me again... just so i can believe in myself again.
but that would never happen. because whoever i was will always be part of who i am now. the past will always creep back in... it haunts you like dreams in the night. you forget it the morning you wake up. and the next time you sleep, the nightmares come.
and you learn to live with it for the rest of your life.
It's going to be Milky. hahahaha i'm gonna rename her heartbreakR_II or something like that... I'm buying her the face and hair heartbreakR used to have. And I'll love her just as much. Hmmm I know I won't be able to spend so much time on her like I did with heartbreakR since I'm gonna be really busy. But I'll love her just the same. Hihihihihihihih...
and i just felt like making everyone else cry by posting this poem..
Tonight I can write the saddest lines. Write, for example, 'The night is starry and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.' The night wind revolves in the sky and sings. Tonight I can write the saddest lines. I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too. Through nights like this one I held her in my arms. I kissed her again and again under the endless sky. She loved me, sometimes I loved her too. How could one not have loved her great still eyes. Tonight I can write the saddest lines. To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her. To hear the immense night, still more immense without her. And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture. What does it matter that my love could not keep her. The night is starry and she is not with me. This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance. My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her. My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer. My heart looks for her, and she is not with me. The same night whitening the same trees. We, of that time, are no longer the same. I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her. My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing. Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses. Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes. I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her. Love is so short, forgetting is so long. Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her. Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer and these the last verses that I write for her.
today i lost my bestfriend. i'm sorry for the pain. i'm sorry. if i could only blow it all away like i used to. if only.. but i can't. it just won't be that easy. i'm sorry. i am hurting. i am hurting because i made you cry. i made you beg. i made you so sad. i am so sorry. i am sorry. i am sorry.
i'm still here, you know? i'm not going anywhere. so one day, if in case u need a friend, u'd know where to find me. take care.
last night was fun deanne... hahahahha im leaving it up to you to blog about it. i hope you didn't get late for the charity thingy. :) so dearie and cora, sunod na sad. :) mwahmwahmwah i love you guys.
i wanted to blog about what happened but there are just some things i'd like to say to someone and i think it is better that i write about this first.
i don't know what to say. i don't know how to say it exactly so you wouldn't feel like i don't care anymore.
i would want to write back, and tell you how i feel. but a personal email would not work for me. i would not know where to start. i bet you're not expecting a reply either so i did not force myself to write you one. it's better that i write what i feel here. i never expected you read my blog.
i write it here because i want my friends to know that i'm not as helpless as i once had been...
that's really sweet.
it is.
to talk about what you feel. and to read that you still love me.
but while reading it, i can only smile so sadly. i'm sorry i did not tell you. i'm sorry that it had to come to this.
but "what happens once will not happen again. what happens twice would surely happen a third time." and you said so yourself, without trust, love cannot be love. one cannot love without trust. and i don't think i can ever trust you again to take care of this heart. you've stepped on it countless times. i gave you chances to prove yourself, like the many chances you, too, had given me. but let's face it. we both screwed up.
i failed you. and well...
you disappointed me... too many times.
we're not meant for each other. deep down you know that. perhaps what you feel right now is just the fear that you're losing me. but you aren't going to lose me. i'll always be here for you like i said i would. i care for you. and you will always be my friend.
but i'd like to find the one that i am meant for now... that someone who would understand my childish ways... that someone who would hug me when i cry... that someone who would run after me when i walk out... that someone who'd accept me for who i am.. that someone who would be willing to marry me and be with me forever.
and you see? that someone isn't you. you scold me all the time for being childish. you hate it when i want to cuddle. you call me overacting when i cry. you turn your back on me when i walk out. you don't care when i pout. you say you only love me today. hahahhaha... actually, you never say you love me. it's so hard for you to say that. you had hurt me too much, don't you see?
the night when i begged you to "just love me again", i felt you had literally taken my heart out and torn it to pieces. i told you how cruel you are. and how bad a person you are.. and how much i hate it that you just don't care. that was the last time you hurt me. that was the last time i'll ever allow you to hurt me. after all my anger and frustration, i think my last message was.."don't worry. maybe tomorrow will be day i realize you're not worth this at all." and it came true.
something in me died that night. you forced it to.
people change. they don't change back. it's just the way the world works. and you won't change back. if you did, then i hope you can even be more sweeter with the one meant for you. you'll find the one meant for you, i know. i could say i wish it was me... but.... some things are just too late. i have changed. and i'm not changing back. i'll keep praying you find the one who would love you the way i wished i could have.
i hope during this time that we're apart, you'll be able to think clearly. and maybe when you come back, we'll be better... better friends than we ever were. i'm sorry about this. i'm so sorry. i wish i could take away all your confusion. and be happy for me. like the kind of friend i always knew you are.
and yeah, what you're feeling is just part of the breakup. and like you said, it will pass. i know you'll be better. we both know that. i'm sorry if daghan ko'g gistorya and wala ra jud to labot ta sa imong giemail. but i also needed you to know.
and about your favor... i don't know what to say, i would want to say yes. but it wasn't me who closed the door. you did. and i feel it is locked forever.
i am better now. what we have now is better. this friendship would last for always. we'll do it right this time. and we'll just forget we ever crossed that line.
we're better now. i know you believe that, too. i know you know that.
You had saved me at a time when i thought all was lost. I will never forget the long nights and the hard days we had spent together. I know no one else would be able to understand why i loved you like you were real.. you are only an inanimate character after all.
But you're much real than most of the people i know. I had always believed that you would never leave, unlike anyone else in the world. and that, whatever happens, I would always be able to call you mine.
But you're gone now. I might never know who had the guts to delete you and take you out of my life.. Chances are, I might never be able to avenge you. But you know if I could, I would.
And today, i am forced to accept that you're gone and never will be back.. And so i'm letting you go. As much as it hurts, i have to.
But lost love is still love after all. It just takes on a different form, that's all. Your memories will always stay.
You broke my heart today. :) You lived up to your name. And I'm proud of you. I never knew what it was to be alone, no Cause you were always there for me You were always there waiting And ill come home and I miss your face so Smiling down on me I close my eyes to see
Thank you for writing to E-GAMES HELPDESK, this is Chel assisting you.
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i'd like to write her a eulogy because today it feels as if she had died. But I'm not giving her up just yet.
somebody deleted her from my Cabal account. She had been my life for the past 6 months, and only the most cruel of hearts could do such a thing. I already filed a report about the case. And I pray they'd tell me I can get her back. I could never let her go.
Never.
There are only four people in the world who know my password. And I doubt they would ever do that to me. They know how precious she is. And how special she is in my life.
But if I do find out who hacked my account and took her out of my life, that person should better start hiding. And then start praying.
somebody asked me. and i just smiled. i guess if you try to understand me in the many ways i now look at life, you would say i'm more than inlove. :)
i found someone i truly care about. and as of now (i'm sorry hahaha can't tell you), i have to keep him a secret. i know i may be wrong and it isn't really time for us anyway, so i have to keep this classified until that day. i hope we both could wait no matter how long it takes. ^^
but it's not just about this particular guy really.
it's about the thought that unlike all the rest of em who came after ronron, there was no pain nor insecurities this time. there were no doubts nor questions. there was only me trusting myself that i could do it right this time...
it's about me falling in love with life all over again. it's about me hearing masses again. it's about me smiling without that sting in my heart again. it's about me going back to the start, before the pain began.
yes, i am in-love... with myself, with my God, with the world, and with him. ^^
Here in the night
I see the sun
Here in the dark
Our two hearts are one
It's out of our hands
We can't stop what we have begun
And love just took me by surprise
Looking through your eyes
