i was working today and i was listening to old sad love songs. i found this really cool software that records everything that is played by your soundcard. hihihihi... and i was recording the old love songs so i'd have a copy of them.
and then.. without thinking, i sighed. buried my face in my hands and called out your name real loud.
and kristine asked, "are you okay?"
and i got back to the world and realized what i just did. and there was that sting again. i know it's better this way. and i guess this is what i needed.
but it's still sad.
it was tantan's birthday yesterday. and we didn't see each other. we haven't spent time with each other for so long now. i guess it's just the way things are. a month ago, i cried all night and didn't sleep because i told him everything i felt. and yes, he listened to what i had to say. and a month after that, nothing's changed. he still doesn't love me as much as he used to. i'm still not as important to him. there was nothing i could do.
i guess i thought this would be easier because i expected it. and i trained myself to expect it anytime soon. but i cried last night. i didn't want to. for hell, i trained myself not to. but i still did. because even with goodbyes you expect, you still feel that sting there. you get hurt just the same. it's sad that people decide to leave you behind because changes happened. his feelings changed. his lifestyle changed. he changed.
and although i could not really say this was a love i would die for, i loved him with all the love i could give now. and i have shown him how much i did care. but i guess these past two months had been different. i guess he knew im getting tired. i guess he knew that i already have the idea that he just doesn't feel the same way. he used to be so sweet and so caring. he used to run after me when i walked out. he used to panic whenever a tear falls down my eyes. he used to say i looked beautiful. he used to stare at me when we're together. and now he doesn't. and who could blame us?
he said he's sorry. and he's sorry that he's no longer the man i had loved once. he's sorry and he'll just bring over my stuff tomorrow. that was it. and i cried. and all he had to say was that i should not cry. he told me i'll be okay because i've always been stronger than what i thought myself to be. but i still cried.
because i lost someone again. and although chrisson had always been here (he's a student, and he keeps me company here in talamban) to make this easy to cope with, it's still hard because he was the only company i used to have. and now he's gone..
this is the last time.
the last time... until i learn to have that faith in this so-called love again.
I was young but I wasn't naive I watched helpless as u turned around to leave and still I have the pain I have to carry a past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried
after all this time I never thought we'd be here never thought we'd be here when my love for you was blind but I couldn't make you see it couldn't make you see it that I loved you more than you'll ever know a part of me died when I let you go
I would fall asleep only in hopes of dreaming that everything would be like is was before but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor
after all this time I never thought we'd be here never thought we'd be here when my love for you was blind but I couldn't make you see it couldn't make you see it that I loved you more than you'll ever know a part of me died when I let you go
after all this time would you ever wanna leave it maybe you could not believe it that my love for you was blind but I couldn't make you see it couldn't make you see it that I loved you more than you will ever know a part of me died when I let you go and I loved you more than you'll ever know a part of me dies when I let you go
okay, so if you'ld ask who it was, i can't really say. it comes from a new friend, and he included a really nice message with it. i don't really know him. and i've never seen him before. he just texted one day (actually, two days before i received the flowers) and asked if we could be friends.
it's really nice to receive flowers from someone you hardly know. it made me feel like a lil-bubbly-giggly-high school girl. hmmmmmm.... i know it's cliche. and i shouldn't be like that. i've grown too old for stuff like that. but it made me smile for a moment (before i started dwelling on pessimistic thoughts) because it reminded me of things i liked... like the smell of rain before it comes... like running barefoot on cold grass.. and like the sweetness of young love.
and para sa mga kaguild nako nga si dilosk, kimkim ug chrisson. makakantyaw ra kog bawos ninyo. =p
i never said it was easy for me to fail any of you.
and this is a difficult job. it just can't work the way you would want it to. it would be unfair. and professionality states i should not let my emotions cloud my decisions. it pains me to see you did not try hard enough to reach that passing mark.. and so i have no choice but to give you what you deserve. and it pains me to see, too, that u did try, but did not make it still.
as a teacher, and a young one at that, i am at a point where i only found my very good friends within your circles, and it is hard, very hard to fail even them. but i had to. because it's my job. and you can say all the bad things you'ld want to say about me. if you try to be in the position i am already in, and look at your semestral work like it was somebody else's, you'ld understand why i had to fail you.
there maybe other choices and other chances. but they're not happening now. the chances have been given to you many times for the past 5 months. and the choices to not do them right were yours to take. and i have no other chance to give. next semester maybe.
i'm sorry. and i hope we could still be friends. :)
Youll never see the courage I know Its colors richness wont appear within your view Ill never glow - the way that you glow Your presence dominates the judgements made on you
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights The shades and shadows undulate in my perception My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights I understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you
Youll say you understand, but you dont understand Youll say youd never give up seeing eye to eye But never is a promise, and you cant afford to lie
Youll never touch - these things that I hold The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own Youll never feel the heat of this soul My fever burns me deeper than Ive ever shown - to you
Youll say, dont fear your dreams, its easier than it seems Youll say youd never let me fall from hopes so high But never is a promise and you cant afford to lie
Youll never live the life that I live Ill never live the life that wakes me in the night Youll never hear the message I give Youll say it looks as though I might give up this fight
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights The shades and shadows undulate in my perception My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights I realize what I am now too smart to mention - to you
Youll say you understand, youll never understand Ill say Ill never wake up knowing how or why I dont know what to believe in, you dont know who I am Youll say I need appeasing when I start to cry But never is a promise and Ill never need a lie
u moved me.Saturday, October 18, 2008
i like this dearie. :)
"Hindi lungkot o takot ang mahirap sa pag-iisa kundi ang pagtanggap na sa bilyon-bilyong tao sa mundo, wala man lang nakipaglaban upang makasama ka."
Youll never see the courage I know Its colors richness wont appear within your view Ill never glow - the way that you glow Your presence dominates the judgements made on you
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights The shades and shadows undulate in my perception My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights I understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you
Youll say you understand, but you dont understand Youll say youd never give up seeing eye to eye But never is a promise, and you cant afford to lie
Youll never touch - these things that I hold The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own Youll never feel the heat of this soul My fever burns me deeper than Ive ever shown - to you
Youll say, dont fear your dreams, its easier than it seems Youll say youd never let me fall from hopes so high But never is a promise and you cant afford to lie
Youll never live the life that I live Ill never live the life that wakes me in the night Youll never hear the message I give Youll say it looks as though I might give up this fight
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights The shades and shadows undulate in my perception My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights I realize what I am now too smart to mention - to you
Youll say you understand, youll never understand Ill say Ill never wake up knowing how or why I dont know what to believe in, you dont know who I am Youll say I need appeasing when I start to cry But never is a promise and Ill never need a lie
i found a really nice song today. hahahahah it's the song i play in my friendster profile. :)
and the lyrics go like this.
This troubled heartache won't go away I think there might be something wrong with me I take a deep breath and maybe I'll stop this shaking God please don't forsake me I might be crazy
Am I losing my mind? Sometimes I feel like things are getting worse in time If I try will you open my eyes? And make me a part of you like you're a friend of mine
Next time I'm losing my mind I'll remember that to find my way out is just a waste of time In place of all my mistakes You've seen through the shadows above me No one could ever love me like you
If I finish what I started and get swept under the carpet I'll still be thankful for all you've done Take a note to remind me that you know where you can find me I'll probably end up right back here again
Am I losing my mind? Sometimes I feel like things are getting worse in time If I try will you open my eyes? And make me a part of you like you're a friend of mine
Next time I'm losing my mind I'll remember that to find my way out is just a waste of time In place of all my mistakes seen through the shadows above me No one could ever love...
I'll be everything that you want me to except for perfect I'm trying hard just to understand your plan for me I'll be everywhere that you want me to unless I fall I'm just trying to get my life back again
Next time I'm losing my mind I'll remember that to find my way out is just a waste of time In place of all my mistakes You've seen through the shadows above me No one could ever love me...
Next time I'm losing my mind I'll remember that to find my way out is just a waste of time In place of all my mistakes You've seen through the shadows above me No one could ever love me like you
I don't know why I like it. hahahahaha.... I guess coz I'm losing my mind. And because it fits what I feel. :p ang mupalag, lupad! hahahahaha
Waaaaaahhhh I have a lot of things to do. And I have responsibilities I really don't want to take on. It's not just my laziness really. I just believe it doesn't really matter anymore. When I get through this, I get nothing out of it. And selfishness aside, I just don't want to keep doing this every year anymore. This was what I always wanted I know, but I want to move forward now. And being the scaredy-cat of changes as I am, I believe I'll be sticking around longer than I want to anyhow. Hahai.
And so I guess I'll just be writing about this for the meantime until I gather enough courage to get up and walk away. Baby steps. Crawling myself out of this ditch. Crawl before I walk. Baby steps. :)
i do not know if this is bad. or if this is something good.
i have been told people go through a major change once every two years, and i think the major changes are happening now. i am not in a very good stage of my life. i am not at all happy with whatever i'm going through. but this will pass. the transition is difficult but i think i am gonna be fine. this time, i know i will turn out just fine. greater storms had come. and i am still here. i know i will get through this...
and i may not be as best as i had been with you, but i will be stronger when i finally get over you. i am, at present, lying on a ditch. but I am crawling myself out... slowly... slowly... instead of just lying here and doing nothing. i am realizing that it is better that i do not wait for you anymore to come and rescue me. i will be my own knight in shining armor. i am rescuing myself this time.
i am trying to learn to get by without you, you see... that is why i have written this. it's almost been three years since you first left me. and i guess it is finally time i accept that you are gone. last night, when i thought of you and how you might come back to keep the promises you gave me, i no longer cried. and i did not feel that hurt that always came everytime i heard your name. i miss you. i miss you so much... but i do not know if i.. if i.. really want you back in my life after all the pain i had to go through. and i am very sad to say this.. but it is the truth dodong nako.
do i hate you now? no. because i think i love you just the same. and in many ways, that will never change. you will always be that one great love of my life. and i wish that maybe, in another lifetime, you'd be that again. and then hopefully, in that lifetime, you'd learn to stay. but i think now, someone better is coming. i think he'll be more responsible than you ever were. and he'd be more handsome. and he'd love me as much as you once had. and that love he gives me will last and it will never falter. i am wishful thinking. i know. hahaha. but everyone has that right, so shoot me.
i think i deserve that anyway. i think it's going to take long. but it will come. and i am not rushing that. i hope i can be strong enough by then to love him just as much as i had love you. i truly hope so.
i realize, too, just yesterday, that i am not ready to love again just yet. there are lots of things i need to clean up in my life... baggages i have long been carrying... cobwebs in the closet... and a sullied system! hahahahha.. and i am just not able to love again just as much. i'd pray everyday that i would learn to trust and love again... but until then, i'll be fine this way.
and i realize still... that it's better to live. it's better to live and see what happens than die miserably (literal or not). you had shown me after all, once upon a time, how beautiful the world is. and how, we may never know, that life can be so much better when tomorrow comes. so i'll wait and see what happens. let's just both see what happens, okay? and be fine baby. i know you will be. but for a few moments perhaps sometimes before you sleep (hopefully even sometimes), i hope you'd think that you're doing so for me.. :)
i have listened to your story for the past month now. and i have realized that although you may listen to what i have kept telling you, i know you'd never understand it. because you are too blinded by this so-called love.
most of what i'm going to write here, i write for you. so that you'll remember that i was not one of the friends who kept you from your most probable happy ending..
you are torn... having this very difficult decision to make, to run after her after all she had done, to fall prey to her every whim after she had hurt you so badly, after she had left you at the time you had needed her most. and you ask for advice from someone like me. i will never tell you what to do dong... it's a decision you'd have to make on your own. if it makes you happy, then what can we all do? what can we say to make it worse or make it better?
fate, after all, is building a bridge to the one you love. that's what i got from one movie i really liked. go go go. build your bridge and run after her if you want to. i just want to make sure that if ever that bridge breaks while you are crossing it, you don't lose yourself. if you get her back, do you expect things to return back to the way they were? i hope they really do dong. but if they don't, then what do you do? will you be able to stand and fight for it anyhow? if you get there and it turns out ugly, will you be able to live with yourself on your way back? will you be able to live with that for the rest of your life?
if i was the one in your place, i would say yes i'd go and try. but i am not you. it's either you go or you don't go. if you don't, then you probably won't get that happy ending with her. and you will never know how it will turn out. but if you do, just promise me you'll know that it gets better. that life is better than all that. it is never wrong to love too much, at least that's what i believe so. but just make sure you leave a little of that love for yourself. so you can get up and walk again when the one you love lets you down.
i do not think the things i say really matter.. but i say it with all my wisdom in the years i've lived. i say that with all my belief in love. i say that with all my hope for what's ahead. and i say that with all my love for ronie.
i hope things turn out fine. and whatever your decision may be, i hope you'll be happy.
