i hope you won't be mad at me when you read this. and i hope you'ld understand. i hope nothing's gonna change. but i'd like to say what's on my mind. and what's on my heart before i burst and things get worse.
you do know how much i had loved ronie. and how, in ways i could not explain, i just could not let that love go. they said it is human nature to move on... but it has been so long now, and i still find it hard to do so. maybe it is because i keep on opening up all these wounds. and because i nurture all the memories and hold on to the promises that he might have long forgotten. and i know i'm not being fair. and i can't really tell you i can explain why things are the way they are.... i'm sorry.
you know i try hard. i try so hard to show you love the way i should. and you have told me that i do it so well. that i take good care of you. and that i give you more than enough. you know i used to believe i can make this love greater than what i used to have. that i can find as much happiness with you as i had once did. but you left me anyway to fend off for myself. you gave up even before i had the chance to fall in love with you. you left me alone to tend to to the wounds ronie left, along with the new wounds you have given me. you broke my already broken heart. and you hurt my already wounded soul. i had trusted you to make me whole again but you left me even more broken.
and still i managed to bleed through it. i managed to keep myself sane. i managed it with long hours of cabal and dota to blow all the troubles away.
and now, you came back. you came back because you realized that i was more special to you than you thought i was. you came back at a time when i no longer care anymore about where all this goes. when i only expect the worse from life. when i go through days one day at a time not hoping for more.
and i kept my promises to you. i once said i will be with you as long as you need me.. and now, i'm here. and i try even harder. i try to be the great love you expect me to be.
but i'm sorry. i'm sorry... i am a hypocrite. i am a cheat. because when i close my eyes, i do not dream that we will last. i do not expect it. i just assume that one day, just like all the rest, again you'd get tired and leave me behind. i cry a lot. you know i do. but during difficult days, when you scare me with breaking up, you notice i no longer cry. i am sorry. i know it is unfair. but it's all i know now. and i want to love you with all my heart. i am loving you the best way i can. but it is not real love. it is not the kind of love i know i would keep forever. i show it. but in the deepest parts of who i am, i know it is not.
because real love has no hesitations. and i hesitate a lot.
and i know you do too. you could not even say "i love you". so how can i really be sure? you show care but only when you want to. you do not trust me (and i understand why, hell, i do not even trust myself). but it's really hard. it's really really hard. and i hope you can understand why things are like this between us now... why some days, i choose to live a world outside yours.. why i try to find new friends... why i keep secrets from you... why always, at the end of the day, i try to leave something for myself.
i cannot give you my hopes of forever. i do not think i still have that you see. somebody took it. and he didn't know how much of me he had brought with him when he left.
and it is unfair, yes. but nothing in the world isn't.
i don't know. i just feel very lonely.
and i don't know what got into my mind that i decided to write this. maybe it's the rain. maybe it's the sting in my heart you brought when you told me that you just won't care about what i do now.
i have to drink.
God. i thought i won't be needing it, but i just changed my mind. i hope you don't get to read this.
Sanay maghintay ang walang hanggan Hanggang makilala mo ako ang iyong mahal Baka ko matutuhan kita’y kalimutan Baka pangako ko’y dumating sa kailanman Sanay maghintay ang walang hanggan Sana ang iyong paglingap ay muli kong matikman Subalit kong paglimot ay di mapigilan Alalahanin mong kay tagal kitang hinintay
I wonder where you are right now. Do you think of me sometimes? I hope you still do. And I hope you don't forget. I wonder where you are everyday. Sometimes, I look for your smell. But I can't seem to remember it anymore. I never will let you go. That is the choice I make. And if my life becomes miserable because of it, then it is okay. Because it would be much more miserable without your memory in it..
yeah. i watched the american version last night. because someone said i wouldn't be disappointed with their rendition.
and yes. just like many other films, i cried. i cried a lot.
it wasn't disappointing. but i'd still say the original was a lot better. it was still obvious they were actors.. and the emotions weren't that taking, you can tell. you can still see how it was still just a movie. they didn't do a bad job. it was decent, mainly. charming still though not as funny. a lil bit less crazy than the first but still moving.
i guess i just wanted it crazier. funnier. heavier. that's just my opinion. :) so kill me.
i'm streaming the original over crunchyroll so i can remember how it used to make me feel.
this movie is special, you see. it had been most special 5 years ago. when things were different. and for those who knew me well, you'd remember why and laugh about it. i'm watching the movie to remind myself of all the things i used to have. just so i won't ever give up. so i can hold on and keep building my bridge to the one i love. ;)
Of all the lives you had to touch, why mine? Of all the hearts you had to break, why this heart? When you knew I can love only so much once in this lifetime.. When you knew I hold on too much. When you knew I believe too much. When you knew the promises you made had built my entire world. And when you knew that if you leave, I will die, and my whole world dies with me.
I love you still. In spite of everything I'm going through.
I used to believe in destiny too... That if it's meant to be, then it's meant to be. But I believe in greater things now. I believe that the future is not written in stone, and that, destiny lies in the choices you make. But I hope you're right. And maybe I'll just keep on wishing we are destined to be. Maybe if I wished hard enough, all the dreams we built together will come true.
I know that you just want me to stop hurting. And that you don't want to think about what happened back then. There are some things you don't want to remember and go back to. But there are some things worth remembering. And those are memories that will forever be implanted in my heart. And I believe in one love that binds you for all eternity. And you and I both know, that no matter how much we try to deny it, a love like that will never end.
I really hope love is as strong as they say it is.
Because I need it to help you find me again.
Find me fast. Find me soon. Before I break down and my heart finally gives up.
i took an early breakfast with 5 other global boys at silogan around 5:30 this morning. and we started talking about how global started out. And later on, i don't really know how it got there, but it got to the point where we asked each other's ages, and how long it has been since we all started hanging out at the internet cafe.
of course, i was the eldest. and i got to stay in global for the longest time... and as a joke, i commented that there would come a day when all the rest of them would graduate and leave, and i would still be there, hanging out with the new batch of global boys. And then Mao commented back, and you'ld be 30 by then. and we all laughed.
when i got back to the boarding house, i started thinking... yeah, i am not getting any younger. maybe it's time i started acting my age. stop hanging out in internet cafes and playing dota or cabal all day. but i realized, if i left out that part of me, what more do i have left?
this is all i am now. and every day i drag myself out of bed to get to work, and the only thing i can look forward to is being able to forget everything about this life when i play with my friends.
i'm turning 25, and a lot of the people i know are married now, and some already have children. others are still planning to.
me? i am not.
nyahahahah. who am i kidding? and i can only smile sadly here. i guess you already know how to read between the lines.
hahahahah.... i'm on this journey, you see, to see if happy endings are real. i'm on my way there. at this point, this is the part of my life where every step i take asks for my courage. and it hurts. but i am not losing hope because i know that in this world, nothing can make this any worse.
i hope my happy ending doesn't arrive too late. and too late is defined as the day i have grown old..
hearts don't really break. and that when you get hurt and you feel that sting in the region where your heart is, it isn't your heart that's breaking. it's faith. and that's when you stop believing.
that's not exactly how it was said. but i guess the idea is there. i don't know really what i wanted to say. but when i read that, a pang hit me. some memory must have triggered that. but it's so vague now, i am not quite sure i still remember which.
