well, i was kinda wondering the entire day why everyone i seem to love leave me in the end. a very close friend of mine once said, i just kept asking for too much.. and all the rest of them just couldn't seem to understand how much of myself i really give.
bitaw..... sa tinuod lang. gamay ra man ako gipangayo bah. siguro lisud lang jud tingai makapangita ug tawo makasabot ana.
for my soul, i need the one i love to bring me to church every sunday. so i would be able to hear him ask God to make our love stronger. i would be able to hear him ask God to hep him love me more. a trustworthy man would never promise Him he'd take care of me when in the end he knows he could not. i just need to be sure. isn't that what we all really need?
for my brain, i need him to give me conversations intellectual enough for my taste. we don't have to agree on everything, we could disagree all the time... but in the end, i would hope he'd be able to understand why i think that way.... and he'd be able to accept my views for that. he'd also need to accept the fact that i can be better than him in some ways. and in some ways, i can be worse than he is.
for the child in me, i'd like someone i can googoogaagaa with sometimes, who wouldn't think i am too immature for anything... i'd like to play games with him, run with him, laugh with him until my cheekbones hurt... and if i ever put on my sooo-amazed-this-is-so-cool face, he'd understand why sometimes i find wonder in a lot of simple things.
for my heart, i need him to tell me that he loves me everyday. i have that tendency to forget, you see. and i need him to remind me every once in a while. i need him to make me feel that he'd do anything for me, even though he knows deep inside he could not. i just need to feel needed and cared for. i need him to make me feel that he won't be able to stand to lose me...
i'm not the person who leaves a relationship like everyone i know does. when i say i'll stay, i'll stay. even if one day i get tired of getting hurt all the time, i will never decide to leave. i might regret that choice someday, you see, and i wouldn't want that. if the choice wasn't mine, then it'd be a lot easier for me. i think i deserve that anyway for loving too much. and not being given the love i deserve. at least that's what i think so...
i'm pretty drunk right now. and i don't really know for sure what the hell i am saying.
is everything i've written about the love i need in my life too much? is that why people decide to leave me anyhow? could anyone tell me then how i can ask for just a little and be happy about the love i'm given anyway?
i don't ask for too much about everything. i just ask for too much love. i need to be loved as if there would be no end to it. that's all i really need.
one day, when i find the person who would never let me go, those who did would realize how little i'm asking for right now really was. and they'd realize that if they only stayed, i would have been able to show them just how much love i can really give. but then when that day comes, i wouldn't care. because i would be so happy loving someone else with everything i am.
bitaw... i'm just so tired right now.... of waiting.... of hoping for something more... of loving too much.
you know how it is when you love someone very much and be left behind anyway, u lose a part of urself? a part u know u'd never be able to get back? and no matter how much u cry, and no matter how much u hate, and no matter how hard u try to forget, ud never be whole again?
i feel like i've lost another part of me again today.
and it's a part i will miss.... and i'll cry for it everynight until the day i die. i'm just so tired now that i feel it's better to lose it than know that the one i'm losing it to would never love me enough to stop this pain.
i have told myself never to trust again. this way, no one else could break me.... break my heart... or break my soul.
after all of the guys that passed my way and made me feel like i was nothing at all, i decided it was time to give it to someone who has always been there for me. i decided to fall in love again with someone else.
he had waited for this love for so long now. i chose him because we had been so close. and i have learned to trust him to take care of my heart. he had said he wasn't like all the rest. he would never hurt me like they all did. and again and again, after all those times i had told him this would never work, he had stood still. i didn't want another love that would leave me broken again. i didn't want to go crazy for another love that would just take a piece of who i am.
but i haven't learned my lesson well. i got too obsessive again. i expected too much again. i changed everything i can change again to please him. and this time, after just a month, nothing i did was enough.
he hates the things i do now, the very same things i did that he loved about me. he hates the thought of ever being with me at the end of the day, when he used to wait for me after work just to see me. he doesn't know what to do with me anymore. he had promised to not hurt me, but he got tired. just like all the rest of them. in such a very short span of time.
is that how it is? when you get what you've been wishing for, you realize that it wasn't what you thought? and you were wrong, she was right. and now that you know, you decide to just leave her more broken than she was before she became yours.
i haven't learned my lesson well.. is that what you are trying to say? when i said i didn't believe you, i tried not to believe you. we both knew all along we could never be sure. and still, you wanted me to be.
and for a moment when i was with you, i really was.
if you're scared to break up with me cause you don't want to be the kind of person who'd break up with a girl, that's okay. i had loved you like you were my brother. i had loved you as deeply as a true friend would. i had loved you like the fire between us would never end. but if you want to go, i won't stop you.
and just like everything else in this life, the memories i've had with you will fade away. just like your memories of me. just like all the clouds in the sky. just like your dreams in the morning when you wake up. just like the tears i cry when they dry up. just like the smoke i puff with every cigarette i light.
I'm bringing back my blog due to a request for one.
I'm resetting my life. I had a blog once, stopped it when ronie came into my life. I started one again when i was too brokenhearted by him leaving. Here I talked about how he came back and how unhappy I still remained to be.
I took this away because I couldn't bear talking about how he left me again.
But this time, I'm resetting my life back to the beginning. I'm reformatting my hard drive and keeping my old files in a box I hope I'd never look at again.
