you're not the one who holds his heart anymore. but you keep on believing you still do.
you're not the one he runs home to when he's down. and you don't know his secrets like you used to. you're not the one he talks to every night just to say i love you before he goes to bed. you're not the one he fetches everyday from work. you're not the one he stares at so lovingly everyday. you're not the one he looks for when he's alone.
and by the name, he is still yours. but you know he isn't. and you fool yourself believing you can tie him down. he'll probably marry you, yes. just to say he never really forgot everything you've both been through. and if you ask him, he'd say he'd never again find another girl like you.
yet this time, oh this time, you know you are only but a trophy. but definitely not the one who owns his heart.
and he would never let you know. he would try his best to never let you know... to never let you down. you are weak. and nobody in the world would want to see you cry. he would be blamed, yes, he would be sorry. but he is not happy with you. do you not see that? do you not notice how you no longer see him everyday..?how he no longer talks to you?
do you not know where he is right now? do you not know?
and the story has been told. just go on and fool yourself if it keeps you away from the pain. but you already know. you've long known.
and just like everyone else, you are blinded. you are tied by the commitment you had once offered him. just like he is. go on and fool yourself. maybe one day he'd come to his senses, you say.
but still, dear. it doesn't change the fact that you're not the one who holds his heart anymore..
last night i made another mistake i know i'd regret.
i don't think i regret it just yet. but the guilt won't go away. having to live with myself is not as easy. i do not like me. i do not at all adore me. i hate myself. i hate myself more each day. i hate myself for the things i can't do. and most of all, i hate myself for the things i do. i do not have self-control. and i am emotional. i am a liar. i am a cheat. i am a hypocrite.
i no longer know who i am. and i no longer know if i really care, or really love, or really feel at all. this is not who i wanted to become. i got into this mess and i thought i'd be able to get out as easily as i brought myself into it. but things have changed.
and my dreams no longer matter. i do not have a wish for the future. i loathe the thought that, inevitably, it would come. and i hate myself even more. if i could only say that ronie would be enough to blow this madness away, things might be better. i'd still have my hope. but i no longer know. not anymore.
i hate myself. i want to run away and never come back. i want to fly into a world where i am unknown... where i can be someone other than me....
What Lips My Lips Have Kissed, And Where, And Why (Sonnet XLIII)
What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why, I have forgotten, and what arms have lain Under my head till morning; but the rain Is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh Upon the glass and listen for reply, And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain For unremembered lads that not again Will turn to me at midnight with a cry. Thus in winter stands the lonely tree, Nor knows what birds have vanished one by one, Yet knows its boughs more silent than before: I cannot say what loves have come and gone, I only know that summer sang in me A little while, that in me sings no more.
