i don't know. it wouldn't matter if i love him or not, i just need someone to love me, to accept for for what i am... who i used to be, and who i have become. but then, even if that happens, i don't think i'd care a bit less. i'd still be as lonely as ever.
and la tristesse durea. the sadness still would not go away.
i read in a friend's blog something about desires. how, most of the time, the thing you really want the most, is the one thing you can't have. how desiring leaves you heartbroken. i guess that goes for most of the people in this world. but really, the people who suffer the most are those who do not really know what they want. and i agree with that. if you ask me what i want in my life, i could give you a million answers. they are almost the same with everyone else's anyway. but i realize now that i do not really care if they do happen or not. the emptiness won't be filled.
i have everything i thought i wanted. i've got lots of people who love me, who care for me, who'd do anything for me. i am okay. i got the job i wanted. i am doing fine. i just don't know why i am not at all happy. i just do not know what i want now.
perhaps i changed too much.
i gave up on life i guess. i just don't know what i want to happen now.
i kept crying everynight for reasons i cannot tell anyone else.
and this time, i realized i should have to start talking. it was the only way i could free myself from all the guilt.
i wrote ronie a letter. it went like this.
hi baby.
wala lang. there is something i have long wanted to say. but i don't know where to start.
pasensya na diay if wala na ta kaayo nagkastorya, medyo daghan pud kaayo ko gibuhat. ug permi lang busy. kahibaw man pud ko busy ka permi...
kumusta na man diay ka? i hope happy ra ka dira.
ako diay kay dili. permi lang ko guol. permi lang pud ko stressed. wala ko kahibaw ngano man. siguro gikapoi lang kog uli kada adlaw. daghan pud kaayo problema. and lonely lang jud siguro ko karon.
baby. love man taka.. hangtod karon kay i still care about you. there are just a few things i am so confused about.
i can't remember you anymore, you see. i'm sorry. i guess i got used to you not being around. that i no longer think about you. ikaw pud noh? maklaro man nako. you don't really love me as much as you used to. i can understand that well. i never really deserved you in the first place. and although i try hard not to admit it, i don't love you as much as i used to either. maybe this is a different level of love i feel for you. but i don't really know what it is right now. i'm just so confused. i'm not happy. i tried and tried to be as happy as i once was with you. but it's really different. it's so hard.
i'm slowly starting to forget all the promises you made. i'm slowly starting to forget all our dreams.
i'm sad and very lonely... i can't tell you how much it hurts me right now. i don't want to lose you. but I can't just deny the fact that i have already lost you. i've lost you a year ago. i held on to you as long as i could. seeing each other made me feel different. it looked as if we were holding on to each other. but you were no longer there.
and i was no longer there.
baby... baby... where do we go from here?
i thought this was something i'd keep on regretting. but ronie understood. he knows. he had known all along. and he does not know either where we're going, or if this relationship will ever work, or if it will ever turn back to the way it used to be. but it's something he decided we should not think about right now.
i don't know if i can do that. i am sad. sooo sad right now. and so lonely. i don't have too many friends, you see. and for the friends i do have, they aren't here.
i'm just so tired of life that i ran out of reasons to get up every day.. i keep myself busy all the time, diverting my attention to everything i can get my hands on. but i'm tired. i'm just tired of doing this everyday.
