i had always wanted to teach.. but not like this. i am miserable in so many ways,wanting more and more to get out of this resonsibility i think i can no longer take.
if ian gets to pass his medical exam at lexmark, he'll be moving away. soek keeps telling me accenture's coming over on the 2nd of february. he'll probably leave too. and last friday, during lunch, maam bandalan and maam ann were talking bout how doc maja's table is getting emptier each week... maam ann saying his move to US may be coming soon. and he'll probably never come back. sir van and luis are flying to france sometime soon. and word has it sasi will move back to the industry.
i have a stupid exam on signals and systems this thursday, of which i have no idea about (an exam i'll probably fail for sure.)
i have been playing dota every night to keep myself sane.
they'll all be moving out. and i guess deep within my heart, i have that desire too.
i cry at night thinking of ronie. should i just go work at accenture? will me moving there be better for us? what about the compe dept? they'll find better teachers, i know. still, i can't help but feel bad.
i have lots of papers to check and i haven't even started. this job is really getting on my nerves. i get lazier every day, you see.
kulas and i talked bout how when you love a job, it really won't feel like a job at all, that you'll look forward to working every day. that ain't happening to me at all. i guess i'm just too young for all of this.
and i don't know exactly what to do anymore. i really don't know.
i kinda brought up the topic of our 3rd year anniversary. how can we call it that when we broke up for half a year? ronie says the part where we weren't together still counted. and we would of course still call our third year anniversary as our "third year anniversary".
i also finally got up the courage to ask him why he broke up with me. well, of course i had a drink that night (and mind you, i only drank once there..). i pretended to be drunk and all that to get him talking. but he never answered. the past, according to him, is past... and there is no need to talk about it.
and i got hurt there too.
we went to a birthday party before new year. and ronie likes to sing. i asked him to sing our songs. well, he did sing them. my heart bled the moment he mentioned the title of a song he asked his friend to look for. you've lost that loving feeling daw. i honestly felt ronie lost his feelings for me. and i never wanted him to think i stopped loving him. and paranoid ra jud tingali ko.... pero dili man sad jud sya kahibaw mukanta sa song. and ambot lang jud.
after that when we got home from tagaytay, somebody sent him an mms.. and kept texting him. i asked the girl who she was... and can you believe she texted back "katong ka-flirt nimo sauna. i called you once sa office." ronie was doing the laundry. he called me every now and then to fetch stuff for him. i acted as if there was nothing wrong. but i was shaking all over. i hand over some more detergent and i feel like my knees would give up on me. i couldn't help it really. i had to ask the girl when that was. she had a long reply and i really don't wanna quote it. she said it was no longer a big deal that they weren't able to see each other on christmas. all of ronie's roommates kept comforting me telling me that the girl was a flirt. that ronie was avoiding her. they were her textmates once too. ronie finally heard everything and didn't say a word. i was yelling and etc. i called the girl. i could actually feel my heart in my throat. she wouldn't even say a word as i ratted out whatever i wanted to say. she then texted later that i didn't have to reprimand her or whatever. she thought ronie asked me to call her and she asked who i was. naturally, i answered her i've been the girlfriend for three years and yada yada. and i was hurting because i learned he was flirting with someone (even just over mobiles and all). she kept apologizing later saying they were just friends and she was just being friendly when they texted each other. she told me ronie loved me a lot. the time they became friends was when we broke up. ronie talked about me. and she said he was really depressed at the time, and he kinda just texted her to cope up with the loneliness. i just told her never to text or call again. period.
i didn't know what to think. well, pagpanghayhay kay i talked to ronie na jud kay wala ko kasabot why he just kept silent. he just kept smiling because really, it was no big deal. there was nothing he should be guilty about. and i know it's wrong that i reacted right away. but i just couldn't help it. i made him promise to never leave me again. i made him promise that i would be the only girl he would ever love. i made him promise that we would be together until we die. and he said yes to all of them.
i told him that he would have to ask God for me first. and he said, he already did.. a long time ago.
it turned out well anyhow.
back here, i always kept thinking ronie just got back together with me because he knew i loved him too much. in a way, i thought he's only using me to care for him. and that he didn't love me anymore. maybe that's the reason why i've been very sad for the past few months. with my previous visits there, i was never really convinced that he cared, that we were back to where we were before all the pain.
but this visit was special, and there was no way i would have spent the season somewhere else. because after all that, i started seeing the love again in his eyes. you know, when he looks at you, and you see that you are his special one, the one he cares for a lot, the one he loves most. maybe i didn't see it before because i was too busy worrying... and it was hard to make me trust him again after leaving me in the dark for half a year.
and i love ronie so much, that i am sure of.... that i really am sure of now. there is no other person i would want to spend the rest of my life with.
i guess i leave it all up now to the One who sees everything all at once. i pray He helps ronie and i keep our promises.
