hanggang langit po ang saya ko

O pag-ibig na makapangyarihan.
Pag ikaw ang nasok sa puso ninuman
hahamakin ang lahat masunod ka lamang...

hhehhehe tagalog effect ta karon. :p

hanggang langit po kasi ang tuwa ko.

"b, init kaau ko rn. ghlantan ko. wa ko nisulod. labad kaau ako ulo."

"ha? niinom nka tambal? unson man ni uy... b lagi imong gitawag nako? lipay au ko. lami au ilarga daun dira... ganahan ko mutake care of nimo.."

"o. niinum nako tambal. ako lang bahala diri.:) wish u were here...:)"

"i wish i was there 2. i wish so much jud i was there. :( ayaw paoverstressed na k? basin nasobraan na ka... take care sa imong self always.. nagkat-on ko ug guitar ug AKO'Y SA'YO diri.."

"mao ba... :) hehe.. cge au2 dha, kaon sa ko... :)"

"i love u sooo so much... cge kaon jud.. :) baby nako, i love u so much."

"miss u.:) kita ta inig anhi ninyo diri ha?:)"

"cge cge i miss u so much.... ayaw lang au pakapoi dha ha? pahuway lang sa 4 today. God, i miss u soo much."

so what is it? people said i shouldn't be too happy, because he only remembers me when he's sick. but i don't care. i am happy. i am fine. i am okay.
and it's as if nothing could go wrong. i had a problem telling him the flight plan changed. but that doesn't matter, i'm going to manila soon. i'll fly there now if i could. too bad i have work.

i want to see him badly. i want so much to take care of him now... to wash his clothes for him... to cook for him (i must learn how to first)... to clean the house for him...

to take good care of him until he's a lot better.

how deep is this love Lord? please let it go deeper even more..

Labels: love

u moved me.Tuesday, August 29, 2006

change of plans

i checked our flights today.

we're going to leave for hongkong on the 6th and we won't be passing through manila.
and then we go straight to Japan. we're gonna pass through the same route on the way home, too.

i am upset.

yep, i had, in truth, been looking forward to seeing ronie again...
to see him smile at me again...
to just brush my hand over his face like i used to...
to look at the eyes that were once so full of love for me.

i had imagined it would go like this -- i'd go to makati, hand over his clearances (an errand i just ran for him) from his previous employers. and if we feel okay, we'd go somewhere nice to watch the stars. if we don't (which is most probable since he's got work the next day), i'd hug him, run my hand over his face, say "i love you" the way i used to, and then turn to go.

i guess i'd have to wait longer to see ronie again...

maybe our paths would cross again someday.... maybe not. i don't really know.

i just miss him so much.

"I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the mother of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet."
--from Goodbye My Lover (James Blunt)

Labels: love

u moved me.Monday, August 28, 2006

tired now

i've missed seeing ronie for the past few months.
and it seems i have not cried out all the tears. last night he wondered why i was still awake around 1 am. and i told him "nagdrama". of course, i still cry. it still hurts. it's hard to accept the truth that he chose to stop loving me. and the bastard asked unsa daw akong gidramahan. hahai. di pa ba diay ingon ana kaobvious?! does he really think i'd get over him so soon? just like the way he forgot me and all.
were all those years THAT insignificant?
the last time, i asked how he was. and he said "ok ra kaau". i had to say "maau pa ka".. because with all honesty, i am not okay. how can i just BE okay? and he had the nerve to ask me "ikaw diay"?

hahai.

i guess i'm just too sensitive and too mushy and too emotional and too stupid. i feel so worthless... so easily forgotten.

for just like everybody else, he, too, had realized i am not someone worth crying over for...
i am not someone worth staying for...
i am not someone worth giving up the world for.

and i am in so much pain. it hurts to stop believing that there's something good in this world for me. because frankly, the day ronie said goodbye, i lost all my faith in everything. i am so tired of hoping i'd get some reward for all the things i had to endure.

and now, i don't know what to do.

i am so lost..

so empty...

so sad...

so lonely..

i need my God to wipe away my tears.

Labels: faith, love

u moved me.Monday, August 28, 2006

love and seashells

had a lot to say today. so taas.

the scuba diving WAS postponed. hehhe...
but we went on snorkeling anyway. well, at least they did (i've never been taught how to swim.) it was fun. and sir aaron handed me another seashell (the weird looking one, hollow like a turtle's shell and two holes, and very very very fragile), just like the other two he gave me in Bohol. this time though, my promises of not breaking the shell was caught on video. shoots. and yes, although the shell lasted with me for some few minutes, i did, unintentionally again (just like the ones in bohol), break it.

and i got disappointed once more. sir aaron had actually predicted it wouldn't last long. and we couldn't do anything but laugh about it in the end. i kept the broken pieces. after all, it was the only one among all the three that lasted with me longer.

by the time we got back to school, sir aaron said something that made me think about how related shells are to love. his line went like this. "so see kim, a shell is a lot like love. if you hold it too tight, it breaks. if you neglect it, it breaks." and then he laughed.
it got me thinking even until i got to the fellowship (the one i've attended for three times now)....

the first one sir gave me was nicely shaped. it was big. it was white. and the holes were almost perfect. it was fragile still, and so i gave it the just-right-grip (not too strong, not too soft). i didn't want to part with it too long, so i kept holding on to it everywhere i go.
you know how i broke that one? i was on the shore making sand castles when suddenly, without noticing, i suddenly held on to it tighter.
...and yes, the once-so-nice-shell became a-thousand-piece-shell.

well, the disappointment was so bad that i (baga au ko nawng) BEGGED sir to get me another one. he found that somewhere very, as in very, far from the shore, and so i knew the begging had to be done. and a few minutes later, the ever-so-nice-sir-aaron brought me another one. this one was smaller and wider. and the holes were not so nice. the shell was a lot thinner, too. i practically understood i must not hold it. and so i just let it stay on top of my open hand. and yep, i broke that one, too. i was standing with the sea up to my belly, kept holding my hand up, just so the shell would remain still on it. i was looking at a starfish, you see. when suddenly, a bigger wave came. and the next thing i knew, i was holding another broken shell.

i kept begging for another one but it was already time to go. sir said there were other times. probably he'd find me another one.

well, after two months, there it was. a darker and thicker shell. its holes were a bit broken. but it was just the right size.

i kept it in a safe place this time,and checked on it every once in a while (we were riding a pumpboat). and i always made sure no one dared to touch it. when the bigger waves came, the shell fell. and it got only a small crack near one hole. i made sure the waves would not dare move it again. it stayed fine for hours, even after we got off the boat, changed, and started heading back to school.

i had already planned where i must place it when i get to school, where i could keep it in the boarding house so it would not break. i planned how i can preserve it longer by coating it with something that would make the shell harder.
i practically could imagine everything. i swore all the hair on my head turns gray before that shell breaks.

i was sitting at the front seat (right beside sir aaron while he was joking about how soon i'd break the shell). i kept it in his cap so i could hold on to it and it would not fall off. and the cloth was soft enough. i was practically sure everything would be alright.

i took videos of my shell. i was soooo proud of it.

and when we passed mactan bridge, i took my eyes off it to look for a peso. i never forget my bridgewish. after that, i just held on to the cap while i recorded videos of me, sir aaron and soek.
by the time we got to super metro mandaue, sir said the shell was not inside the cap. i practically had kept the cap okay, so how the hell did the shell disappear? i do not know.

PERHAPS i just neglected it for a while, because i was sure it was okay. and i stopped checking, because i knew it was safe. i was SURE, after all, that i'd reach school with it.
i guess i was wrong again.

thump thump thump. my heart went.
and right under my right leg were broken pieces of it.
and the disappointment stays with me even until now.

so how is love related to all that?
go figure.

Labels: love

u moved me.Wednesday, August 23, 2006

click click click drunk

well, i've been awake for more than a day now.

and for all of you who know me, yep, i am, indeed, a little bit drunk. the other teachers and i had a deal with our japanese visitors to go scuba diving today. and i know i wouldn't be able to wake up this early... and so i drank the night away.

i'm not too sure if we'll go on... nobody's here yet. but hell, yeah, i will kill 'em all if we won't. i stayed up all night for this day. so don't they dare disappoint me on this one.

anyway, i watched the last full show on "click" last night. and God, it hurt me a lot. i kept crying and couldn't stop. and sure, it was a damn happy ending. but the movie was so nice, i couldn't stop crying. i couldn't stop crying for his father; i couldn't stop crying for his children; i couldn't stop crying for his wife; i couldn't stop crying for his life.

i just couldn't stop. ingon ana lang jud ko ka-himi.

grabe jud.

naulaw gud ko sa akong mga tupad. it was supposed to be a funny and happy movie. but i was there, so different from all the rest, with their sighs of relief and all. i was crying my heart out. and five hours later, with me drinking (not yet drunk) with my boardmates, my heart was still aching. i guess a happy ending just wouldn't suffice. i needed something to take my mind off the damn movie.

and yes, people, i was, indeed, sad.

sad.... as in totally sad, just because of the movie.

and i further proved to myself how weird i really am.

Labels: ramblings

u moved me.Wednesday, August 23, 2006

i'm scared

guess what?

Ronie and I agreed to meet next month, before I head on to Japan. I asked if I could hug him there. Well, he just said "hehe..." Yeah, I guess we will hang around glorietta and hug each other. So what is it I'm scared about?

I'm scared of seeing him again. Things might not be like they used to. I might realize that I can live without him. And that would be a pain I cannot bear. It would be like discovering a void within me that nothing in the world could fill.

I'm scared.
After all this pain I'm going through now, I might look at him and realize that it is not him I was born for. I love him. Once, and right now, I could say I love him. But I'm scared of not loving him. I remember a line I read once (don't remember where), it went like "Don't leave me too long. I might learn to live without you". I'm afraid to learn to live my life without Ronie. For without the hope of dying beside him someday, I would have nothing more to live for, and no other reason to keep going through each painful day.

It is Ronie I have decided to keep for the rest of my life. And although he's away, he remains here. The love he gave me once is still with me, wherever I go. And that love, I swear, I would not let go of.

Because of that love, I was made whole. I found goodness within me. I dreamt of good things. I did good things. And I was happy. I found out what really mattered.

Sad though, because... just like the song below, no matter how great a love may be, sometimes, in this world, it's just not enough.

Labels: love

u moved me.Tuesday, August 22, 2006

even too much love isn't enough

I dont wanna lose you
I dont wanna use you
Just to have somebody by my side
And I dont wanna hate you
I dont wanna take you
But I dont wanna be the one to cry

That dont really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door
But theres a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart you cant trust
Theres a reason why people dont stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just aint enough

Now I could never change youI dont wanna blame you
Baby you dont have to take the fall
Yes I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just wanna have it all
It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking somethings gonna change

But theres a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart you cant trust
Theres a reason why people dont stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just aint enough

And theres no way home
When its late at night and youre all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
There beside you where I used to lay

And theres a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart they cant touch.
Theres a reason why people dont stay who they are
Cause baby sometimes love just aint enough.
Baby sometimes love just aint enough.

Labels: love, poetry

u moved me.Tuesday, August 22, 2006

more broken hearts

everyone i know seems to be throwing away love lately.

well, in the end they do realize how much they're giving up, so they kinda' take hold of it again. good for 'em.

sometimes, you just don't know how much you have until it's gone. so please, just cut the crap and live. give importance to what really matters.

it makes me sad to hear about more broken hearts and more broken dreams. but in a way, it makes me fine. wahahha.... salbahis man ko. at least i'm not alone. and well, at least, this time, i'm crying for someone else na sad. not jsut for me and all. anyway, luv you all. and i miss u all. hope to hang around with u again some time soon.

Labels: love

u moved me.Tuesday, August 22, 2006

my stupidity

i feel so stupid. and so stubborn.

i have to give up...
i have to stop this...
i have to move on...
i have to forget...

at least, a part of me says that it's just a matter of time. that this will pass. and that everything will turn out fine.
after all, i only have a lifetime to live through. i should enjoy and accept life as it is, with all the joy and pain it brings. God has a great purpose for me, and that is all that should matter really.

and that's why i feel stupid. and stubborn. i know what to do and yet i cannot do it. i have chained myself to empty promises, to an undying love that will never come to be, to memories that will remain only as memories now, to all the happiness i once had.
i am stupid to doubt the fact that i will be happy again. of course i will be. (won't i?)
and yet i still don't believe it.

why do i care? why do i still hurt?
i have a God who loves me, and friends who care. in truth, i should laugh harder, and much more often, because i know how much i am loved.. i wonder why, within my soul of souls, and within my heart of hearts, i continue to remain sad.

so i came up with the conclusion that i am, indeed, stupid.

oh well, maybe i'm just crazy.

God i want to lose my mind.

Labels: faith, love

u moved me.Friday, August 18, 2006

my unheard prayer

Lord, whereelse do i go?

to whom shall i run to? i have nothing more left... and i have nowhere else to go..

i look back and find there is nothing to return to. and everytime my hope shakes, i try to see ahead and realize there really is nothing else to look forward to.

my heart is in pain and my eyes are tired of crying. i look around and see only the night. but then, i am blinded by the sorrow that i can no longer see the stars.

i look at my hands and find they are empty. and it hurts so much, You see, to remember how once, they were filled with overflowing love. and i cover my eyes with my hands just to fill them with my tears, and the sadness remains. i am still without my love.

i am scared, though i know i should not be for You are there. and yet, i remain afraid and uncertain. i must have faith, i know, but, Lord... i am not that strong. my heart is weak. my soul is small. my hope is frail. and this pain is too real.

Lord, Lord, where can I go? i have lost everything i believed mattered, and now, life seems like a dream i just want to wake up from.

i cry out, hard enough, as hard as i could, for You to feel my pain. but am i heard? do You hear this prayer now?

then why, oh Lord, why then are You so silent still?

Labels: faith

u moved me.Wednesday, August 16, 2006

running away

Lord forgive me for this.

But I would like to run away.
..to turn my back on everything I know
..to separate myself from the world
..to leave the memories behind

..to hide from You

Labels: faith

u moved me.Tuesday, August 15, 2006

my farewell

My Love of a Lifetime,

I kept practicing over and over again what to say to you when we finally talk before you leave.. But every time I do, I break down into tears. And if I tried my best to tell you everything I have to say, my voice will break, and I might not be able to have enough courage to say anything.

And so I have decided to write everything down, so I could read everything to you. I hope, this way, I won't cry as much. Please look at me my love. So you'll see that I do not look so pitiful after all. You do not have to say anything. I just need you to listen.

I am sorry. I am sorry for everything. Forgive me for taking you for granted, for hurting you in so many ways, for not having shown my love to you every moment I could have. I am so so sorry for making you believe I only needed you, if I was never really able to show just how much you mean to me and just how great my love for you is. I am sorry for having changed your mind that you no longer want to spend your life with me. I have changed a lot to make you happy with me... As much as I could, I tried to prove to you how worthy I am of your love... but I guess that's not enough. You said once you had a clear vision of you and me spending the rest of our lives with each other. Everyday, the thoughts of growing old with you made me want to live. Please forgive me for believing in that too much... for waking up each day looking forward to that...

I guess I just trusted in this love too much. I always just believed you'd love me forever. As I, on my part, committed myself to loving you for all eternity. That no matter what happened, although the feelings may fade, we will always stay in-love with each other... as we promised we would. I am sorry for not being the one you said was meant for you. Yet, I still hope to be. Someday, maybe, I'll find the one who would love me forever, but until then, I would keep on wishing it would be you. I would never be able to love anyone as much as I love you. It would be unfair. I've loved you all I can, and giving a love like this would never happen again. I'll continue to pray you'd come back. Only when you're here in my arms once more would I be happy again.

I am not bitter. I do not hate you for not keeping your promises. But I am mad at you in a way... I am mad at you for believing life would be better off for me without you. I have endured the past three months without your care and your love. It proved one thing, I can live without you. I have lived my life without you before. But I am miserable. And though I try as hard as I could not to think about it, the sadness just won't go away. Life, you see, was never as beautiful as it had been when you came into my life. And although I will be able to survive without you, I do not want to. If I could be stronger without you, then I hope the strength comes soon. I might lose my mind for losing everything all at once, and it may come too late. You see, even when I had you near, life was never easy, but it had not been able to shake me, because I had your love. And I am now so weak, so vulnerable, and too blinded by the sorrow. If I had one great love to last for all eternity, then I believe it would be you. But now I do not know, I do not know what to believe. If everything else in this life had been a dream, the only thing real was our love. And yet, you've decided to take it all away.

I am mad at you for breaking your vows, for making me believe that someone could love me as much as you had, for taking everything away, for not being able to understand, for being so selfish, for taking all my dreams, for breaking my heart. I am mad at you for giving me no choice. You have explicitly told me that I am now free to live my life, to do anything I can without minding you, even to love somebody else. You told me not to wait for you. But can I really? I love you more than that. You are asking me to forget my love for you, and that is not an option I could take. If I would, I would break my vow of eternal love. And God would never forgive me.

If I do not know you, I would believe you are afraid to do something that might hurt me while you are away. And so, to avoid the guilt, you would break free from me. And I could not blame you then if you do, for I would not have that right. You have taken it away. But that is not the caring and loving Ronie I know. Yet I am unsure. Have you changed so much? Had your ambitions clouded your heart?

I have been told that love never stops even when you're apart. Was our love so weak then for you to believe it should stop because you're going away? Is our love, then, that frail...? Am I now crying for a love that is not worth crying for? Really Ronie, doesn't it mean anything at all?

I thought that's what commitments are for. And I thought our love was stronger than that.

I am mad at you for giving up my love for you... for giving up the chance I would risk my entire life to take. I do not want to hold you back from all the good things in store for you. What happened, my love? Were you never happy with me? Why did you decide to give me up? Am I not really worth anything at all? Did you not love me as much as you said you did? Why promise me forever when you'd give up this easily anyhow? Will you not regret anything someday? A lot more spring up. And I continue to be mad at you.

Last Sunday, I cried a lot. Because I felt like dust. Just some dust you needed to shake off your feet. AM I only dust to you Ronie? Do I not mean anything more? I really, really, really hope you'd be happy. I love you so much. I just hope you'd get where you want to go. I love you so much. And thinking about it, I seem to keep on loving you more each day.

Perhaps I am not mad at you after all. I just want to be. So it wouldn't hurt as much. And yet it does.

My love, thank you... for showing me how wonderful life was. If you never came into my life, I would never have known how real heaven is. You made me so happy. You made me want to wake up everyday. You made me strong. You kept me sane. You made me want to live.

Perhaps you might not care, but I wrote letters for you. Lots of them. I'm not going to give them to you just yet. I will just get hurt knowing you won't read them. I will send them to you someday. Someday, I would find you, and I'll give them to you, when the hurting will finally stop. And I hope you will keep them. While you grow old, you could read them, so you'll know I love you still. So you'll know how great my love for you is. I will never stop loving you Ronie. If you won't allow me to love you forever, then perhaps you could give me this lifetime. Maybe perhaps you'd decide to keep me when we see each other again. Who knows when that would be? But still I'll hope. And I'll live.

For all the things I failed to say today while I write this, you'll be able to read them someday. I have the next few years to write to you about them.

I love you... with all my heart, with all my soul, with every part of me... with everything I am. You're my bestfriend, my soulmate, my beloved, my love of a lifetime.

Please...
Please... don't forget.

Labels: love

u moved me.Tuesday, August 15, 2006

the world's madness

Starry

starry night
paint your palette blue and grey

look out on a summer's day
with eyes that know the
darkness in my soul.
Shadows on the hills
sketch the trees and the daffodils

catch the breeze and the winter chills

in colors on the snowy linen land.
And now I understand what you tried to say to me

how you suffered for your sanity
how you tried to set them free.
They would not listen
they did not know how

perhaps they'll listen now.

Starry
starry night
flaming flo'rs that brightly blaze

swirling clouds in violet haze reflect in
Vincent's eyes of China blue.
Colors changing hue
morning fields of amber grain

weathered faces lined in pain
are soothed beneath the artist's
loving hand.
And now I understand what you tried to say to me

how you suffered for your sanity
how you tried to set them free.
perhaps they'll listen now.

For they could not love you
but still your love was true

and when no hope was left in sight on that starry
starry night.
You took your life
as lovers often do;
But I could have told you
Vincent
this world was never
meant for one
as beautiful as you.

Starry
starry night
portraits hung in empty halls

frameless heads on nameless walls
with eyes
that watch the world and can't forget.
Like the stranger that you've met

the ragged men in ragged clothes

the silver thorn of bloddy rose
lie crushed and broken
on the virgin snow.
And now I think I know what you tried to say to me

how you suffered for your sanity

how you tried to set them free.
They would not listen
they're not
list'ning still
perhaps they never will

Labels: poetry

u moved me.Tuesday, August 15, 2006