last night i made another mistake i know i'd regret.
i don't think i regret it just yet. but the guilt won't go away. having to live with myself is not as easy. i do not like me. i do not at all adore me. i hate myself. i hate myself more each day. i hate myself for the things i can't do. and most of all, i hate myself for the things i do. i do not have self-control. and i am emotional. i am a liar. i am a cheat. i am a hypocrite.
i no longer know who i am. and i no longer know if i really care, or really love, or really feel at all. this is not who i wanted to become. i got into this mess and i thought i'd be able to get out as easily as i brought myself into it. but things have changed.
and my dreams no longer matter. i do not have a wish for the future. i loathe the thought that, inevitably, it would come. and i hate myself even more. if i could only say that ronie would be enough to blow this madness away, things might be better. i'd still have my hope. but i no longer know. not anymore.
i hate myself. i want to run away and never come back. i want to fly into a world where i am unknown... where i can be someone other than me....
