The End

No.

I did not have my happy ending. I guess that was the whole point. Because really, when will I decide to call my life over unless it has? Maybe one day, in a distant future when every bit of my skin has wrinkled up, if I get the chance, I'd write here again to tell you if a dreamer like me really did find the happy ending I was looking for.

A lot has happened since my last post. I gave birth to another beautiful baby girl, Anna Cathaleia, and as of the moment, I'm struggling with being the mother of a newborn all over again. Castielle Alana is growing up fast... and life, though bearable, is difficult as it should be. My daughters make living seem all so worthwhile, however, and I thank God for that everyday.

I do have a different job for the past two years now and I'm happy with it so far. I've made terrible mistakes in the past and everyday I struggle to be better than who I was, but as you may already know, it definitely isn't easy.

I am abandoning this blog now. Although it had its moments of happiness, it mostly contains painful memories and too much of me being angry and bitter. :)

So goodbye.

u moved me.Friday, March 21, 2014

I can't be who you are.

No. Just because I don't live my life the way you believe grown-ups should live their lives does not mean I'm not at all grown-up. It's time to destroy that notion of yours that growing up is basically just going through daily routines and never swaying from them.

I'm human and I have my own identity. I have my own thoughts, my own feelings, my own choices to make. You can't force me to like things just because you like them, or to hate things just because you hate them. If you really wanted to be with someone who thinks like you, talks like you, acts like you, then it would have been better if you made a little clone of yourself and married it.

I allow you to choose your own path, to make your own choices, to decide for yourself whether or not to fulfill requests I make. You are free to grow and be the person that you decide to be while living life with me. I expected the same kind of respect as your partner. When you met me, I was not a lost little child who had no idea what life was like. I was a grown woman who had to go through life almost alone. I want you to remember that and never let go of it. So that you won't forget that I am a unique individual and I have my own voice. I can't be who you are.

If you truly loved me, then you would accept me for who I am. Don't try to change me to be something I'm not. I'm a clumsy oaf who's insecure about every single little thing about myself. I'm childish and I cry for stupid things. I'm stubborn and I lash out when I'm mad. I play my games even though I may be the worst player in the world. I talk too much about everything. I'm forgetful and I think I'm old but I act like a 2-year old. I'm impulsive and I don't know what the hell I'm doing most of the time. I hate changes and responsibility but I do what I can anyway. I worry about things I'm not even supposed to think about. I have my vices. I have my faults. And still I try to be a better person everyday, and everyday I fail to be so and I try again the next day. These are the things that make me who I am. These are the things that define me.

You do not own me. Just because I do what you ask me to does not mean you are my boss. I was not born to be you. I was born to be myself. The little things that make me happy and the stupid things that make me sad help me remember that I am alive.

I clean up after you and Castielle, not because I have no choice but to do so. It's because I choose to try to be a responsible mother and wife. I live in the apartment, not because I have no other place to go, but because I choose to be closer to where you are, so that when you need me, I can be there. I give you massages and I make love to you not because I am bound by the vows we made, I choose to do it because I have decided to love you. And I stay with you even after what happened in June because I choose to... because I am free to make that choice. Being free is not just all about being able to choose to go, but also being able to choose to stay. So deal with it. And learn to start being grateful for what I have chosen to do with my freedom.

The next time you talk about your hatred of the things that make me who I am, try not to do it right before I sleep. Unlike you, I can't sleep a minute right after we argue. I'm losing hours at night by overthinking everything you just said. My pimples are breaking out and I turn out to be even more insecure than I already am.

Love me. Make me feel that feeling you used to make me feel. That feeling where nothing could go wrong because nothing else mattered. We still can be good parents without having to sacrifice who we are deep inside. So allow me to be myself when I am around you... Allow me to be happy and angry and irritable when I have to. Listen to me when I talk and understand me when I don't. Have fun with me and make impulsive decisions with me sometimes. Support me like the best friend you once were. Make choices for me when I don't know how to. And let me make my own choices when I need to. Love me. And when there comes a time when I become too unlovable, love me still.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

u moved me.Wednesday, September 26, 2012

unfinished

i guess it's time. finally, i can get to write again.

you see, there is always that time when you forget everything you're supposed to think about. and that has been the case for the past few days. i've made myself busy with other things so I don't really find enough time to worry. but then there are days when suddenly, in a moment, like a flash of blinding light, it all comes crashing down on you. and you tremble with fear... of the unknown... of all that has transpired... and of all that is still to come.

and the loneliness comes.

i've never been afraid of being alone.
i'm just afraid of that feeling.... that feeling when it's cold and you really have no warm hand to hold.... that feeling when you need someone to talk to you and all that comes is silence....

u moved me.Wednesday, July 18, 2012

punch even after she bled

She may be mad.

She speaks her mind whether there is, or there is not a need for it. It does not magnify her pain, or change the truth about her, or make true the lies that she manipulated you to believe. Nobody would ever understand the intricate web of complexities she has spun for herself. For this has never been about anyone else, it has always been just about her. So you may try to put her down with your laughter, but she cringes not from the pain of every word, or every strike, because she has long known how to survive through that. She’ll throw back every damn thing to anyone who challenges her, and her tears shall dignify her strength. This is her truth. And the truth she holds on to is the one she’ll never let go. Insanity you say. Is she the she-devil incarnate? Or the worst of your nightmares personified? She is just who she has always been. Crazy. Impulsive. Irrational. Unpredictable. Mad. Yes, mad. There had never been any need for anyone to point it out. The madness has always been a part of her, clawing away through the veils of her mind, basking in her dreams, feeding from her anger, and drawing strength from the passions of her heart. But does that make her any less than who she is? She cares less of what you think. She cares even less of what other people think or say about her. Because she knows who she is. And in her world, that is all that matters.

When she walks away, she walks away.. And you would never understand just how little you matter to her the moment you lost her love.

"...Nor ever were they kind enough to give the night her peace,
Nor ever were they wise enough to their own souls release.
And so they likewise pay their debts, the debtors and the stars:
One for putting forth the night, the others for their scars."

u moved me.Friday, June 08, 2012

You're never really who you think you are

Salvation. Redemption. Absolution.

It's like trying to catch a rainbow that vanishes before your eyes just when you finally get to its end.

How do you attain it? How do you forgive yourself when there are moments, fragments of your life, when you realize that you're never really good enough for it? You run, you run. And the shadows still keep on chasing you. And every step eats away part of your soul until you're consumed by the darkness inside of you.

La tristesse durera toujours.

Man is the only creature that refuses to be what he is.
-Albert Camus

u moved me.Tuesday, June 05, 2012

Compostela priest resigns

article 1
article 2
article 3

<rantwarning>
For those who believe that the Bible has been inspired by the Almighty Engineer.

<rantstart>Just because this priest is starting to follow what is written in the Bible of the Lord, he is now being condemned. I'm just sad and confused. If the Bible is from God, why do people change what is written when the Word of God is eternal and constant? Why don't we just read the Bible for ourselves? The blind cannot lead the blind. Jesus is the Way, the Truth, our Life. He won't lead us astray! Let us open our minds and hearts to His good news.

I do not have anything against religions. I am not really a good person myself and I am such an awful sinner. But aren't you a bit curious to know what is written there really? I am... I am just asking you to please just start reading the Bible and know for yourself whether the things you practice and believe in are really in accordance with God's will. At least you know right? Don't be contented to just be told that this is how faith should be like. Let us know it for ourselves. God gave us the intellect, let's use it to read the Book He has given us, without bias and with an open mind... And then let's pray that Jesus would help us understand. If you think that what you're doing is still right after reading, then by all means continue to do so. If you found out it's not, then stop it. Find a workaround. Listen to your doctrines again. If you aren't contented and are not convinced, then find another religion if you want too. There are lots of other religions out there. Listen to their teachings and discover for yourself. Let's just pray we are led to where God wants us to be.. Mao ra na hehehe<endofrant>

God speed Fr Lao. In your vacation, may you find peace. And may Jesus help you find what you need to know.

u moved me.Friday, May 11, 2012

happy endings

Happy endings are lame. I spent all my life dreaming about it and looking for it in all the wrong places. It's all disney's fault really. As a young little girl, I always held true to the beliefs that that one true love is real. And that when he comes, the world will all be better, for he'll come and save the day, sweep me off my feet, take me to his castle, marry me, and live happily ever after with me.

Nonsense.

Hell, I actually spent all my afternoons when I was younger thinking of all the many different ways I'd finally meet that person who'd love me forever. I'd play with my long line of barbies and kens and always give a happy ending to the ugliest one, which I coincidentally named after myself. It provided me relief through my crappy childhood. And I finally got to the stage where I am now. I'm happy for that hope that sprung up due to those damn fairytales that never told me what really happens after happily ever after. But still, sue me. I failed to realize that happy endings are not to be chased after. It's something you just find deep inside you, when you know yourself well enough and be contented with what you find. Blame that to the poetic dreamer I used to be.

Man is just a lonely creature, searching for something that cannot be grasped. And I am not any different. I looked for my happy ending in someone else. But God is the only constant. And I should have just been my own prince. People? They come and go. I have no control over them, over their emotions, or over how they treat me. I can't expect someone to love me back just because I love them enough. Nor can I expect that I be loved the way I hoped to be.

Most of the time, in this world of intertwined stories and tales, I am not the cinderella of the story. I am probably just one of those that clap and cheer at the wedding... just one of those many faces never drawn to be as beautiful as the heroine.

u moved me.Thursday, October 06, 2011

castielle moments

they say that life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

as i am officially 27 since yesterday, and i have nothing to do so far, i'll probably just enumerate all of the memories that made me smile today.

1. castielle smiling and shouting with delight everytime she sees me
2. castielle reaching out for me and choosing me over anyone else to carry her (even if she's asleep, she still chooses to be carried by me... must be my smell LOL)
3. castielle kissing me when i tell her "Kiss mama"
4. castielle burying her head on my chest while she hugs me tight
5. castielle waking up from her sleep and smiling right away because i'm there
6. castielle sleeping with her mouth open. heheheheh
7. castielle shaking her head to indicate "NO.."
8. castielle talking to herself... and to me as if i understand everything she's saying..
9. castielle trying to hide her smile when i shower her with kisses
10. castielle dancing... shaking her booty, bending one of her knees to the beat, and smiling with that ever-infectious smile

i love her sooo much. ^_^ love truly is infinite. it overflows and it never ends... and although castielle is just a baby and doesn't understand love yet, i know she loves me too.. i wish she'll love me always the way she does now. :)

i'll see u again later tonight my baby. :)

u moved me.Wednesday, November 17, 2010

of witches and fairies and magical tales

u moved me.Monday, November 15, 2010

burnt out

i'm too stressed out. i know that it's the way it's supposed to be but after a year of not working and then going back to it, i feel like things are going too fast. i can't concentrate and i don't know how to deal with it.

i was absent today. my body hurts, it doesn't really hurt as much to cause me to not show up for work. but my mind hurts too. the worrying parts of me are slowly eating away everything i usually cherish during my waking hours. and i hate waking up in the morning. things are never going to be like they were before and i'm just sick of it. sick of it, i tell you. even my husband wonders why i get so frustrated and angry nowadays. i never had been good at coping.. i want to just forget everything else.

happy-go-lucky me can't be happy-go-lucky anymore when i no longer know how to hold myself and my life in place. i need to be with my daughter. and i need time for myself without having to think of my job, or my school work, or all of the people i need to do things for.

if i can only take my husband and daughter and run away from it all. but life is never that easy... and i'd still have to go through my days one at a time. bummer.

u moved me.Wednesday, October 27, 2010