my happy ending

happy endings

2011-10-06T02:58:00.000+08:00

Happy endings are lame. I spent all my life dreaming about it and looking for it in all the wrong places. It's all disney's fault really. As a young little girl, I always held true to the beliefs that that one true love is real. And that when he comes, the world will all be better, for he'll come and save the day, sweep me off my feet, take me to his castle, marry me, and live happily ever after with me.

Nonsense.

Hell, I actually spent all my afternoons when I was younger thinking of all the many different ways I'd finally meet that person who'd love me forever. I'd play with my long line of barbies and kens and always give a happy ending to the ugliest one, which I coincidentally named after myself. It provided me relief through my crappy childhood. And I finally got to the stage where I am now. I'm happy for that hope that sprung up due to those damn fairytales that never told me what really happens after happily ever after. But still, sue me. I failed to realize that happy endings are not to be chased after. It's something you just find deep inside you, when you know yourself well enough and be contented with what you find. Blame that to the poetic dreamer I used to be.

Man is just a lonely creature, searching for something that cannot be grasped. And I am not any different. I looked for my happy ending in someone else. But God is the only constant. And I should have just been my own prince. People? They come and go. I have no control over them, over their emotions, or over how they treat me. I can't expect someone to love me back just because I love them enough. Nor can I expect that I be loved the way I hoped to be.

Most of the time, in this world of intertwined stories and tales, I am not the cinderella of the story. I am probably just one of those that clap and cheer at the wedding... just one of those many faces never drawn to be as beautiful as the heroine.

castielle moments

2010-11-17T17:36:00.005+08:00

they say that life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

as i am officially 27 since yesterday, and i have nothing to do so far, i'll probably just enumerate all of the memories that made me smile today.

1. castielle smiling and shouting with delight everytime she sees me
2. castielle reaching out for me and choosing me over anyone else to carry her (even if she's asleep, she still chooses to be carried by me... must be my smell LOL)
3. castielle kissing me when i tell her "Kiss mama"
4. castielle burying her head on my chest while she hugs me tight
5. castielle waking up from her sleep and smiling right away because i'm there
6. castielle sleeping with her mouth open. heheheheh
7. castielle shaking her head to indicate "NO.."
8. castielle talking to herself... and to me as if i understand everything she's saying..
9. castielle trying to hide her smile when i shower her with kisses
10. castielle dancing... shaking her booty, bending one of her knees to the beat, and smiling with that ever-infectious smile

i love her sooo much. ^_^ love truly is infinite. it overflows and it never ends... and although castielle is just a baby and doesn't understand love yet, i know she loves me too.. i wish she'll love me always the way she does now. :)

i'll see u again later tonight my baby. :)

of witches and fairies and magical tales

2010-11-15T15:36:00.003+08:00

She may be mad.

She speaks her mind whether there is, or there is not a need for it. It does not magnify her pain, or change the truth about her, or make true the lies that she manipulated you to believe. Nobody would ever understand the intricate web of complexities she has spun for herself. For this has never been about anyone else, it has always been just about her. So you may try to put her down with your laughter, but she cringes not from the pain of every word, or every strike, because she has long known how to survive through that. She’ll throw back every damn thing to anyone who challenges her, and her tears shall dignify her strength. This is her truth. And the truth she holds on to is the one she’ll never let go. Insanity you say. Is she the she-devil incarnate? Or the worst of your nightmares personified? She is just who she has always been. Crazy. Impulsive. Irrational. Unpredictable. Mad. Yes, mad. There had never been any need for anyone to point it out. The madness has always been a part of her, clawing away through the veils of her mind, basking in her dreams, feeding from her anger, and drawing strength from the passions of her heart. But does that make her any less than who she is? She cares less of what you think. She cares even less of what other people think or say about her. Because she knows who she is. And in her world, that is all that matters.

burnt out

2010-10-27T01:51:00.001+08:00

i'm too stressed out. i know that it's the way it's supposed to be but after a year of not working and then going back to it, i feel like things are going too fast. i can't concentrate and i don't know how to deal with it.

i was absent today. my body hurts, it doesn't really hurt as much to cause me to not show up for work. but my mind hurts too. the worrying parts of me are slowly eating away everything i usually cherish during my waking hours. and i hate waking up in the morning. things are never going to be like they were before and i'm just sick of it. sick of it, i tell you. even my husband wonders why i get so frustrated and angry nowadays. i never had been good at coping.. i want to just forget everything else.

happy-go-lucky me can't be happy-go-lucky anymore when i no longer know how to hold myself and my life in place. i need to be with my daughter. and i need time for myself without having to think of my job, or my school work, or all of the people i need to do things for.

if i can only take my husband and daughter and run away from it all. but life is never that easy... and i'd still have to go through my days one at a time. bummer.

love you forever by robert munsch

2010-09-06T09:58:00.000+08:00

A mother held her new baby and very slowly rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she held him, she sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

The baby grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was two years old, and he ran all around the house. He pulled all the books off the shelves. He pulled all the food out of the refrigerator and he took his mother's watch and flushed it down the toilet. Sometimes his mother would say, "this kid is driving me CRAZY!"

But at night time, when that two-year-old was quiet, she opened the door to his room, crawled across the floor, looked up over the side of his bed; and if he was really asleep she picked him up and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. While she rocked him she sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

The little boy grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was nine years old. And he never wanted to come in for dinner, he never wanted to take a bath, and when grandma visited he always said bad words. Sometimes his mother wanted to sell him to the zoo!

But at night time, when he was asleep, the mother quietly opened the door to his room, crawled across the floor and looked up over the side of the bed. If he was really asleep, she picked up that nine-year-old boy and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she rocked him she sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

The boy grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was a teenager. He had strange friends and he wore strange clothes and he listened to strange music. Sometimes the mother felt like she was in a zoo!

But at night time, when that teenager was asleep, the mother opened the door to his room, crawled across the floor and looked up over the side of the bed. If he was really asleep she picked up that great big boy and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. While she rocked him she sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

That teenager grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was a grown-up man. He left home and got a house across town. But sometimes on dark nights the mother got into her car and drove across town. If all the lights in her son's house were out, she opened his bedroom window, crawled across the floor, and looked up over the side of his bed. If that great big man was really asleep she picked him up and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she rocked him she sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

Well, that mother, she got older. She got older and older and older. One day she called up her son and said, "You'd better come see me because I'm very old and sick." So her son came to see her. When he came in the door she tried to sing the song. She sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always...

But she couldn't finish because she was too old and sick. The son went to his mother. He picked her up and rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And he sang this song:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my Mommy you'll be.

When the son came home that night, he stood for a long time at the top of the stairs. Then he went into the room where his very new baby daughter was sleeping. He picked her up in his arms and very slowly rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while he rocked her he sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

======================================================================
i know how some people really find this sick. ahahahha but they're just being too serious. this is a children's story, and though by the age you're in now, you'd probably think this is too sick to read to the kids, i believe they won't even comprehend this that much.

it's just a story about a mother's love for her son.
and i would definitely read this to my castielle one day when she learns how to talk.

nothing good gets away

2010-07-19T22:55:00.006+08:00

life oh life.. it differs in the way it has unfolded for each and everyone of us. and we all have our own stories to tell. but i believe these stories are all one, they differ in ways, yes. but just the same, they tell us about joy and pain... they tell us about endings... and new beginnings.

today, i would like to talk to a friend because today, i can feel how lonely she is. i know she has a lot of friends. and she's probably laughing with them and telling them everything's alright, but i know her heart's broken. she is going through some changes, you see, and it's difficult.

i should know... i've been through many of them. some, i thought i'd never survive, but as i got older, i realized, everything passes.

so what difference can i make as i write this? i don't know. i know everyone else had told you about their experiences and gave you advice on how to move on and accept the things you cannot change. so what else do i need to say really? perhaps i'm just doing this to let you know that i'm a friend. and just like many of your friends, i am here for you.

i know you've told me you're trying to move on. that's great. but i would say it's okay to not yet move on. :) unless you're ready. don't push it or force yourself too much. it'll only hurt more. it'll only make things worse. i think we both agree that time is our friend. it took me years to understand this. and i'm glad you aren't as stubborn as i was. :) i held on to hope that was no longer there.. hahahaha well, i just don't want you to lose yourself in the process of trying to keep yourself together. i know i probably don't make too much sense. but i really needed to say that. when all this is over, you'll be a better you. a stronger you. a more beautiful you. and whether he regrets it or not, you would not care at all by then.

cry it all out, until you'll realize that he really wasn't the best for you.

aahhh now i remember, i thought i'd just chat with you... but then i decided to continue to write this because i read your last message. you said he was perfect for you and you can't imagine someone better coming. well, being an opinionated person, i would like to tell you what i really think.

you said he was perfect for you. hmmm...

perfect for you..

perfect for you...

perfect for you?

a person becomes perfect when we love them enough, you know? you loved like it would last. and you gave it your best shot. and that's what made him perfect. every single moment was perfect because you decided it was.. he wasn't that great... your love for him was. and that has made all the difference.

how can he be perfect for you? would the perfect one for you tell you that he doesn't love you as much as he used to? would the perfect one for you leave you behind to begin a life on his own? would the perfect one for you ignore all your tears? would the perfect one for you turn his back on you after you've begged him to stay? maybe you're just remembering all the good stuff. you deserve a lot better. and no one who would do that to you deserves you.

love is infinite. don't be contented to be given scraps of it. find the one meant for you. someone you'll love and who'll love you in return.

cherish the pain you feel now, because it'll tell you how great your love really was. hold on when you can. and when you're finally ready, take a deep breath and let that love go. love yourself even more.. dance with the memories and be happy. life is too short :) the one meant for you needs you to be single when he finds you, you know? :) ehehehhe

no regrets. everything will make sense when the right time comes. :)

after the elections

2010-05-12T01:10:00.010+08:00

Our elections are free, it's in the results where eventually we pay.

- Bill Stern

well, lots of people have been writing their sentiments, both from gibo and gordon supporters. with noynoy leading the race and estrada following behind him, i wouldn't wonder why. we are indeed a masochistic race. and we truly deserve the leaders we get. time and time again, the people still believe in the same old, empty promises. if this country doesn't get any better, then i bet it's because the people don't think they deserve better. but we do deserve better, don't we? sometimes, we just fail to see it. or, as i may put it, not everyone is able to see a good thing even when it's right before their eyes.

i am sad. yes, but this will pass. the frustration i feel will eventually go away.

i, however, am deeply thankful to sir gibo for many, many reasons.

i have once been apathetic towards the country i live in, and with the politics that comes with it. but with him, my passion for this nation grew. i finally found someone i can believe in, a candidate worthy enough to be campaigned for. he stirred in me, and i believe in many others, the pride of being a filipino. the positive change he had started the past months (which was unlike the politics we have already gotten so used to) won't ever be forgotten. it will continue to grow deep within the hearts of every filipino he has touched. and years from now, we will remember him for opening our eyes to this. i now know that we can always choose the better path and not only content ourselves with what has always been.

and with this, i say, i do not believe he lost. he lost the elections, yes. but that is not what i am referring to. he ran for this idea, and this idea will grow and reach every citizen of this nation, starting with us. this is the green movement he had started.. there is indeed hope. we just need more time.

i am proud to have casted my vote for him, along with 3 million others. he had been an inspiration. and i know God has better plans for a man as great as he had shown us he is.

i'd like to share some articles i found really interesting (kudos to the writers). and at the end, i will repost a note from mr. celdran's niece (it was written in facebook and i'd really like those who doesn't have fb to be able to read it). :)

"Every Filipino.. given the chance, given the right environment will outperform everybody else." - Gibo Teodoro
Thank you for believing in us Sir!

*********************************************************************
Move Forward: A Message to all Gibo Supporters From a Fellow Volunteer
http://straightshooter-lojo.blogspot.com/2010/05/move-forward-message-to-all-gibo.html
A Noynoy Victory
http://straightshooter-lojo.blogspot.com/2010/05/noynoy-victory.html
Keeping the Green Spirit Alive
http://idiosyncraticinklings.wordpress.com/2010/05/08/keeping-the-green-spirit-alive/

10 Things I've learned from Gilbert Teodoro
by Angela Celdran Dela Calzada

As I write this, I am holding back tears. It is not because I don't like Noynoy Aquino, nor because I think Erap being allowed to run again and now come second in this race is a joke, but because about 90% of my voting countrymen allowed a good thing slip through their fingers... yet again.

I read a comment someone posted on the GT fan page that said the Philippines will never cease to be a third world country, because the Filipinos keep thinking like one. It's a tragedy that we repeatedly refuse to acknowledge our islands' limitless potential. By electing the same kind of people over and over again to lead our nation, we are consciously closing our minds and hearts to a new era in politics; where mudslinging and dirty tactics can become obsolete. It really is a shame.

Sour graping is the easiest thing in the world. I could whine, complain and write angry hate notes and messages about how stupid, inane and terrifically idiotic we've now made ourselves out to be. I could congratulate the 12 million Filipinos for damning us to 6 years of shame, blame and online games. There are so many delightfully snarky things I could say that would probably make me feel better. But this time, I won't. Why? Because this time, I've learned how to.

Throughout his campaign, Gilbert Teodoro was often praised by many, both in the public and private sectors, for his brilliance, integrity, capability and positivity. It was due to these qualities that he received support from me and over 3 million Filipinos across the country. Though we did not soar as high as we wanted to, it was in the few feet above the ground that I, and I'm sure my fellow "Gibonians" will concur, learned valuable lessons in politics, leadership and more importantly, in life.

Of these lessons, here are 10 that I will always remember... and treasure.

1. Stop the negativity! Take responsibility! One of the things Gibo was most commended for was his commitment to maintain a positive campaign throughout the period. Not once did he stoop down to sling the mud back, he would only wipe it off his shoes. His focus was on bringing his voice and platform to all areas of the country, to give us the chance to discern and make the decision based on that knowledge. No matter how dirty the arena had become, everyone still wanted to shake his hand.

2. The world keeps spinning and so should we. "Society does change." Gibo said this in one of his sorties, when he talked about addressing the material needs of people today. In an ideal society, people should be content to live within their means and capabilities. But unfortunately, reality begs to differ. The times, they are a changing, Bob Dylan once sang, and it will continue to do so whether we like it or not. The ability to adapt and adjust can no longer be considered an option, for it is fast becoming a necessity.

3. It's not the what. It's the how. Another thing Gibo was often praised for was his practical take on traditional and modern day issues. His platform attracted many because his proposed policies and solutions seemed "doable". In fact, there were no promises made to put an end to the problems that have been haunting our country for decades, if not centuries. After all, an idea is one thing, but its execution is another entirely.

4. Not all bad grass come from the same seed. We civilians have this idea that all government officials are the same: corrupt, self-serving and power hungry. But after listening to Gibo speak in one of his sorties about how corruption can be eased through incentives and rewards for good behavior, I realized that there still are public servants who actually WANT to serve the public.

5. Shit happens. But you can always clean it up. Throughout his stint as Secretary of National Defense happened two tragedies: the Typhoon Ketsana and Maguindanao massacre. His response to these disasters, while not perfect, was still commended by those who actually knew what the heck was going on. Even during the campaign, when many a time was he frowned upon for these unfortunate events, not once did I hear him point the finger at other people. What I admire is that he took responsibility for his actions and did what was best at the time to appease each situation.

6. There are many things we can compromise. Integrity is not one of them. Being a member of one of the most powerful political machineries in the country, it would have been easy to engage in the crossfire that happened between several of the candidates. Everyone wondered why he refused to denounce his ties to PGMA, even though people were saying they would vote for him if he would. Why not compromise, I, like many other Filipinos thought? Then, during one of his sorties, I heard him say that there is nothing on earth that is worth ruining his father's name, and his son's future. Right then and there, I understood.

7. Freedom, contrary to its root word, is not always free. So don't waste it. We are the only fully democratic country in our region, yet, we are one of the least progressive. This is something I've heard him stress over in many talks and forums. We actually have the right to say when we want change and when we've had enough. Sometimes, we don't appreciate how lucky we are, that we have the freedom of speech, the freedom to choose our religion and elect our leaders. It's up to us to make decisions for our future and the betterment of country. And luckily, it will ALWAYS be up to us.

8. Peace, on the other hand, is always free. So please make use of it. One of the main points of Gibo's platform was, and always will be, peace and unity among our 7,000++ islands. We are a diverse archipelago, rich in culture and heritage, and that is something we should be proud of, not hate. We often hear of the problems in other poor countries when in fact, we have the very same problems right next door. Though it is a very popular answer among aspiring beauty queens, that doesn't make it any less crucial. Peace should always be a priority in this, and any country.

9. The importance of a legacy. Of all the times I've heard him address the people's fear of him playing a puppet to PGMA, Gibo always says one thing: that he is still young. What he meant by this was that if he had been given the chance to lead, after his 6 years in office, he would still have many years to show face for; which he would not jeopardize for his sake, and more importantly, for his family's sake. After all, we can think of many ways to gain money and power, but we only have ONE life to live and ONE legacy to leave.

And last...

10. Love our country. This may be the simplest lesson, but nonetheless, it was something I deeply needed to relearn. In this day and age, we are more exposed to the outside world than ever. I'm not scared to admit that there have been a number of times when I felt ashamed of being a Filipino, in a country so afraid of change and innovation. Ashamed of our penchant for favoring people for who they know over who they are. Ashamed of our blatant backwardness, especially when compared to our neighboring countries. But the moment I heard Gibo speak about his vision for the country stirred in me a feeling of patriotism that I never thought I had. In the few months that I displayed my belief in his candidacy; I had also, willingly, displayed my belief in my country.

Despite the grief I feel for the outcome of this year's elections, strangely, I cannot escape the feeling of hope and pride that continues to swell inside me. Looking through the facebook pages of fellow "Gibonians", it's easy to see that there was something new, exciting and inspiring that was born out of all this. And I know that whatever was awakened in all of us is something that cannot be easily abandoned, or forgotten.

Though he's said before that this is the last time he expects to run for public office, I sincerely hope that for once, he said something he didn't mean. I hope, no, I insist that he runs again in 2016, because he owes all of us the opportunity to see his platform, ideas and vision become our reality. Throughout his campaign, we were introduced to a new breed of politics and contrary to what the new first lady (sorry, it slipped) has said, the Green Team volunteers were NEVER paid.

So Mr. Teodoro, if you ever get to read this, please consider giving us the chance to vote for you again. That is the only payment I seek.

Oh yeah, and thanks for the lessons. :-)

i am looking for a leader, not a superhero.

2010-04-29T15:08:00.004+08:00

i have made my choice. people will try to convince me otherwise, and yeah they may throw me examples of why gibo may not be fit to become president. i am not going to badmouth any other presidentiable as gibo is pushing for a positive campaign.. i found this in a forum, and instead of talking about all the other candidates, it's good to post what really others say about my bet, gibo teodoro. :) i also have to add this link before the post as i find it really interesting. http://enuhski.tumblr.com/post/547517406/gilbert-teodoro-is-my-president

V(^^,)V peace.
ps. number 21, 24, and 47 are my favorites. :)

A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue. PROVERBS 11:12

FROM FELLOW PUBLIC OFFICIALS AND NOTED PERSONALITIES:

1. Former PRESIDENT ESTRADA: Teodoro is “the most qualified person” after himself among the other presidential contenders. “Gibo is an upright man, intelligent, articulate. I have high respect for him.” “He’s a principled man.” http://newsinfo.inquirer.net/inquire...most-qualified

2. SEN. LOREN LEGARDA, VP candidate: She found Teodoro “intelligent and a man with integrity.” http://www.onlyinph.com/tag/2010-general-election/

3. REP. CYNTHIA VILLAR: Gibo maintains the highest form of professionalism in his campaign. http://www.facebook.com/video/video....7040&ref=share

4. SEN. RALPH RECTO: Gibo is the true jewel of the cabinet. http://www.gmanews.tv/story/185858/g...idnon-festival

5. SEN. JUAN PONCE ENRILE: With Gibo, you can sleep well knowing that the government is in good hands. http://newsinfo.inquirer.net/breakin...Teodoro-for-me

6. SEN. MIRIAM DEFENSOR-SANTIAGO: Personal background wise, Gibo is the most qualified among presidential aspirants. http://www.philstar.com/Article.aspx?articleid=505964

7. SEN. PING LACSON: Gibo is a decent and qualified candidate. That much I can say because I know him personally. We worked together when I was still lieutenant colonel and I’ve got nothing to say against him. http://www.philstar.com/Article.aspx?articleid=505964

8. “Kung hindi ninyo iboboto ang aking ama na si Presidente Joseph Estrada, sana si Gibo Teodoro nalang ang iboto ninyo (If you will not vote for my father, President Joseph Estrada, I hope you would vote for Gibo Teodoro instead),” the Freeman quoted SEN. JINGGOY ESTRADA as saying before the crowd during the rally.http://www.facebook.com/notes/gilber...50145994320174

9. NP Spokesperson ADEL TAMANO: If he were not in the camp of MV, he would pick Gibo. He reportedly admires the educational background of the former secretary of national defense. http://www.philstar.com/Article.aspx...CategoryId=107

10. BRIG. GEN. DANILO “Danny” LIM (guest senatorial candidate of the Liberal Party (LP) and the Pwersa ng Masang Pilipino (PMP)) - "Teodoro is a credible and worthy candidate." http://www.manilatimes.net/index.php...im-to-poll-win

11. "I first got to know Gilbert when I saw him and his wife on one of those asinine TV talk shows in mid 2009. His answers to the vapid questions were sensible and well thought out. Aside from these qualities of intelligence, he exuded sincerity." - FRANCISCO SIONIL JOSE - one of the most widely-read Filipino writers in the English language http://www.philstar.com/Article.aspx?articleId=539378

Awards of F. SIONIL JOSE:
* Ramon Magsaysay Award for Journalism, Literature, and Creative Communication Arts (1980)
* National Artist Award for Literature (2001)
* Pablo Neruda Centennial Award (2004)
* Palanca Awards

12. “Yes I am biased. I am biased for good people, qualified people, for a good president. Ladies and gentlemen, Gilbert Teodoro, hopefully the next president of the Philippines.” - Manila Overseas Press Club (MOPC) chairman and Biznews Asia magazine publisher TONY LOPEZhttp://www.philstar.com/Article.aspx...bCategoryId=66

13. “Mr. Teodoro pointed out specific programs, specific goals and specific time lines to achieve such goals. He’s very articulate... we think he’s very good." – ALBERTO A. LIM, Makati Business Club (MBC) Executive Director (source: Business World 02/18/2008) http://www.bworldonline.com/weekende...nt.php?id=6522

14. “As usual Gibo (Teodoro) was MOST IMPRESSIVE.” Speaking to reporters after yesterday’s presidential debate, Dee said Teodoro’s platform and answers stood out against other aspirants who attended the forum. - Vice Chairman DONALD DEE, Philippine Chamber of Commerce and Industryhttp://www.philstar.com/Article.aspx...bCategoryId=63

15. "That is EXTRAORDINARY LEADERSHIP— when you do something good without expecting public adulation in return," - National President ALFONSO UY, Federation of Filipino-Chinese Chambers of Commerce and Industry, Inc.(FFCCCII) http://balita.ph/2010/02/04/chinese-...leader-for-rp/

16. Gilberto "Gibo" Teodoro Jr. has a good appreciation of the business setting and climate in the Philippines, said Wallace Business Forum QRT chief executive officer PETER WALLACE http://www.manilatimes.net/index.php...bo-high-marks-

17. “Incomparably COMPETENT…” - Former PRESIDENT FIDEL V. RAMOS' speech during the induction of officers of the Rotary Club of Downtown Session(RCDS) at the Grand Ballroom of the Baguio City Country Club on July 10, 2009 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wj22UyPROZ0

18. “This is something to be admired. While the other presidential aspirants merely condemned the massacre as was expected, it was Teodoro who displayed the boldness and the courage to immediately rush to Maguindanao even before the Armed Forces and the National Police moved to clear the province of its private armies and arms stockpile,” - Former PRESIDENT FIDEL V. RAMOS http://www.manilastandardtoday.com/i...009/december/9

19. "If we were to make a poll who among the department secretaries can be considered upright, I can think of two; the Social Welfare Secretary (Esperanza Cabral) is honest and based on our experience, (Defense Secretary) Teodoro." - VICENTE PATERNO, a former Senator. http://newsinfo.inquirer.net/breakin...rs-are-upright

20. "FORMER Defense Secretary Gilberto Teodoro is the most viable candidate for the presidency next year because he is the only one with a “solid background in law and order,” according to BRETT DECKER, an editor of the Wall Street Journal. http://www.manilastandardtoday.com/i...009/december/5

21. REP. NEPTALI GONZALES II: "He has the integrity, leadership and intellectual rigor to launch the country into a new glorious period of reforms." Teodoro’s intelligence which he described as "far superior to any of his competitors in the presidential race." Teodoro’s integrity stood out when he refused to use his NDCC post as a vehicle for his political agenda while conducting relief operations for the victims of the disasters, Gonzales pointed out. He also said he knew of no incidents where Teodoro told displaced families "to vote for him" while he and the NDCC staff where distributing relief goods. Teodoro performed his mandated task quietly and without fanfare, Gonzales added, in sharp contrast with some of presidential candidates "who invariably went to see the media first before conducting their own relief operations.” http://www.mb.com.ph/articles/236847...esident-quezon

22. REP. MITOS MAGSAYSAY said Muntinlupa City REP. ROZANNO RUFINO BIAZON and Bukidnon REP. TEOFISTO GUINGONA III — both of the opposition Liberal Party did not conceal their admiration for Teodoro when they spoke at the gathering. “When they went up to the stage, both of them praised Gibo for his intelligence, leadership skill and integrity, the virtues he had consistently shown when he was a member of the House of Representatives,”http://www.tribune.net.ph/metro/20100115met4.html

23. Muslim civil society groups and intellectuals including former SEN. SANTANINA RASUL commended administration presidential candidate Gilbert Teodoro Jr. for the “courageous actions and decisions” he took in condemning the Maguindanao massacre - http://www.philstar.com/Article.aspx...bCategoryId=63

24. GOV. BEN EVARDONE shares an interesting anecdote about Gibo when Eastern Samar was hit by a strong typhoon that completely isolated the province. Even Air Force pilots were hesitant to fly in. But he was able to contact and tell Teodoro, also the NDCC chair, about their desperate situation there. The next day Teodoro arrived with military crew aboard a C-130 plane of relief goods that he himself piloted. But what the Eastern Samareños cannot forget, said Evardone, was that Teodoro had momentarily left the wake of his late father, former SSS Administrator Gilberto Teodoro Sr., that day to come to their rescue.http://opinion.inquirer.net/inquirer...237993/Game-na

25. "We hate to have him go because he has been a very, very effective Secretary of National Defense. He has led us well. He has inspired us." - former AFP CHIEF OF STAFF GEN. VICTOR IBRADO http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPlkhUCWUWY

26. BISHOP OSCAR CRUZ (a known GMA critic): Teodoro is the only presidential candidate with the three important attributes a good president must have, “integrity, competence and character” http://gibo.ph/updatefull.aspx?key=h...czGm/ru+UYyQ==

27. Medical City president and chief executive officer ALFREDO BENGZON praised Teodoro for recognizing the need to address the problems of the health sector in a systemic rather than symptomatic manner.http://newsinfo.inquirer.net/inquire...alth-care-more

28. GOV. MIGS DOMINGUEZ of Sarangani: 'Ako magpapapakamatay ako for Gibo dahil unang una sa galing at talino, at nakita ko yung sincerity. 'Another incident yung sa Shariff Aguak, pagkatapos ng Maguindanao massacre sabi niya, "Punta tayo dun." Sabi ko, "Sir, papatayin tayo dun." "Hindi ka sasama sa akin, Migs, una ako. Sabay ka na sa akin..Para kung mamatay tayo, sasabay sabay na tayong mamatay."

'Pumunta kami, walang mga guwardiya, just to make sure si Toto Mangundadatu files (his candidacy).' http://www.facebook.com/video/video....1774&ref=share (5 March 2010)

29. Buluan town VICE-MAYOR ESMAEL 'TOTO' MANGUNDADATU “I believe that Secretary Teodoro is the most effective and most competent candidate for president who will bring the best program of reform to Mindanao,” http://www.philstar.com/Article.aspx?articleid=547108, http://www.angtinig.com/mangudadatu-...aos-best-hope/

30. Ateneo School of Govt Dean, Atty. Antonio La Viña: "More significantly, I know him (Teodoro) also to be one of the most patriotic, humble and honest public servants (and I have known thousands as well), able to make hard choices even against his own family and class interests."http://74.54.176.226/~ateneo/index.p...ives&Itemid=26

31. “I believe in his principles, style of management, work ethics and moral values. I will do my very best to make sure that he will be the next president of our country.” - Mamburao MAYOR VOLTAIRE VILLAROSA. http://www.philstar.com/Article.aspx...bCategoryId=67

32. “What I want is a president that we can depend on and will help us in our time of need. And Gibo has proven to be that kind of a leader especially when we need help the most last August 2008,” said GOV. KHALID DIMAPORO of Lanao del Norte http://www.mb.com.ph/articles/250341...oros-back-gibo

33. Albay GOV. JOSE CLEMENTE "JOEY" SALCEDA: "We know who is the right person to be voted to the presidency, so let us vote for what is right for our country and our children, for what is fair to our poor and to our future. We vote for Gibo because it is good for our country and it is the right thing to do. All politics is local. He will not just be another president of the Philippines or even the best president the country will ever have but, more than that, we will have the best Philippines under any other president." http://www.manilatimes.net/index.php...im-to-poll-win

34. Former JUSTICE SECRETARY AGNES DEVANADERA, who is a candidate for the first congressional district of Quezon province, said that Teodoro is emerging as the obvious choice in her province as well as by the thinking Filipinos who are concerned with candidates' qualifications.

Devanadera, also former MAYORS' LEAGUE PRESIDENT, pointed out that results of surveys and mock polls in several leading colleges and universities showed Teodoro as the candidate of choice among the students. “These students are thinkers and idealists. They see Gibo as the best among presidential candidates. I believe that would start the surge of support for him,” http://www.mb.com.ph/articles/248248...ern-luzon-seen

35. RUDY ROMERO, Columnist The Daily Tribune and family friend of the Teodoro's: "Bert Teodoro’s son is a good man. Well-brought-up, bright, an excellent academic record, good-looking, personable and sensible." http://www.tribuneonline.org/comment...00122com3.html

36. HERN ZENAROSA, Columnist Manila Bulletin: "Teodoro brings seriousness to his campaign both in manners and in his utterances, defining our times and circumstances. He talks straight and his vision of government is adequately clear and measured." http://www.mb.com.ph/articles/248572...-circumstances

37. EDWIN ESPEJO, Asian Correspondent: Chronicles from Mindanao by a Mindanao Journalist and SunStar correspondent: "Teodoro has shown he can transcend politics of patronage and has shown a strong political will. Cutting his umbilical cord with uncle Danding, and decisive expulsion of the Ampatuans from the ruling political party at the instance of the Ampatuan massacre.

More importantly, Teodoro’s vision and platform of government, including his economic agenda, are a cut above the rest of the presidential candidates. This is where the positive sides of Teodoro stand out." http://us.asiancorrespondent.com/edw...99s-green-army

38. DENNIS FETALINO, Associate Editor of People's Journal and former Director of the National Press Club: "Teodoro, contrary to popular belief, is also fast gaining mass-based support, smashing the silly notion that poor, plain folks are not a thinking class. True, Gibo is a brilliant lawyer, a dapper intellectual, and comes from a Brahmin political class. But he can roll up his sleeves, mingle with the regular six-pack Joes, and blend in quite leisurely with them.http://www.journal.com.ph/index.php/...he-divide.html

39. DUCKY PAREDES, former Press Secretary of President Cory Aquino and Columnist of Malaya and Abante: "The fact that Defense Secretary Gilbert Teodoro, presidential candidate of Lakas-Kamppi-CMD is all business (no politics) as he does his job, as head of the National Disaster Coordinating Council cannot be lost on the people who come to him for help. I like the way Gibo handles himself and can even envision him as president – quiet, calm, serene but in total command. He inspires confidence even as his world is in chaos." http://www.duckyparedes.com/blogs/?s=&paged=18

40. RENE SAGUISAG, former SENATOR and outstanding member of the 8th Congress from the Liberal Party, batchmates include Jovito Salonga: "Gibo just wanted transparency" on the impeachment of Davide regarding the accounting of the Judiciary Development Fund (JDF). "He was no stalking horse of his Uncle Danding."http://www.manilatimes.net/index.php...nd-confessions

41. ALVIN CAPINO, Columnist Manila Standard Today: "Teodoro refused to use his position as defense secretary to promote his political stock. Also has an open record of what he did with his CDF when he was a congressman." http://www.manilastandardtoday.com/i...010/january/29

42. EMIL JURADO, Columnist Manila Standard Today: "He’s not only the most presidential-looking among all the candidates. He also has enough competence, track record and experience for national leadership. And I like him more when he says he accepts attacks for being a candidate of President Arroyo, clearly an attempt to demonize him. He cannot be ungrateful to the President who named him DND chief. At least Gibo is candid and honest unlike other candidates who are hypocrites."http://www.manilastandardtoday.com/i...010/january/29

43. JAIME LAUDE, Columnist - The Philippine Star: "Firm, straightforward, and decisive, Teodoro has his heart in his job, and runs his campaign as if managing a huge firm. A strategic thinker, he does not settle for mediocrity and is unforgiving when it comes to poor performance, even with grammatical lapses. He maintains the highest degree of professionalism, an attitude that endeared him to the people around him, including those who served under him at the defense department. At the height of tropical storm “Ondoy” and typhoon “Pepeng,” Teodoro was on the job 24 hours a day, seven days a week, either at his office at the National Disaster Coordinating Council (NDCC) at Camp Aguinaldo or in the field at the forefront of relief and disaster operations. He fired one of his key officials because he was not at his desk at the NDCC while Ondoy was pummeling Metro Manila." http://www.philstar.com/ArticlePrint...ticleId=554196

44. ANA MARIE PAMINTUAN, Columnist - The Philippine Star: "He proved that his “galing at talino” — competence and brains — is no empty campaign slogan. Teodoro had a firm, nuanced grasp of every subject thrown at him, and he could explain his views in clear, simple terms. His campaign is notable for being the only one that has never gone negative, with none of the vilification of rivals to make himself look good." http://www.philstar.com/Article.aspx?articleId=554457&

45. Cotabato AUXILIARY BISHOP JOSE COLIN BAGAFORO: “Yes, I am for Gibo, based on criteria, track record, integrity and capacity to govern. He is a very positive person, not a member of the mudslinger club… He is the kind of leader who can heal our country’s problem on divisiveness. He (Teodoro) can never be a puppet president. He knows where he stands, his loyalty is to the people and has no messianic syndrome. Among the candidates only Teodoro has clear vision and dreams for the country.”
http://www.philstar.com/Article.aspx...bCategoryId=63

47. Julie Yap-Daza, Columnist/Author:
"He doesn't promise you heaven on earth, doesn't tell you what you want to hear, doesn't have all the answers. Who needs another promising politician? He is a stimulus package, a one-man force of fresh new energy. Crisp, competent, sharp. If G1BO Teodoro makes it, ang galing natin -- Congratulations to the people!"

POINT SPECIFIC PLATFORM OF GIBO: http://sites.google.com/site/baranga...m2010/platform

GIBO'S VISION FOR THE PHILIPPINES: http://allgiboteodoro.blogspot.com/2...ilippines.html

UNDERSTANDING THE ISSUES: http://allgiboteodoro.blogspot.com/p/issues.html

GIBO'S STAND ON CURRENT ISSUES: http://www.gibotalino.ph/

“My campaign will remain to be positive because we need to inspire people, we need to encourage people. We need to help each other and lend a helping hand. It has to be positive because our battle cry is ‘Forward Philippines.’” - GIBO TEODORO

SHADE THE NUMBER 8!

talking dirty

2010-03-06T23:09:00.013+08:00

and just how do i talk dirty?

i talk about politics. hmmmmm that's good. election day is almost here and i'm really really having a bit trouble deciding who i'm going to vote for. i think it's not illegal to post my opinions here over each presidential candidate. so here it goes. maybe after writing down what i needed to say, i'll know who to vote for by then. :)

Nick Perlas -
wrote his name first, simply because, although i liked the thought that he is an environmentalist, i personally personally disagree with his thoughts on divorce. hello?!?!?! i just got married? how on earth will i like it that you're advocating divorce? and marriage is sacred. we vow before God. you cannot break what God has bound. in the philippines, divorce is a large no-no. if you want it, then fly to america. or somewhere else where you could. but here? nada, no, no puede, DILI! i still have a lot to hear from you though, so maybe i might change my mind. convince me otherwise before election day comes okay?

JC De Los Reyes -
did i get his name right? Or was it de los Santos? hmmmm actually i saw on the news two priests had already vouched for him simply because they agreed with his stand regarding birth control. yes, i am a catholic, soon to be not, and i believe in family planning. doing it naturally is good, but i am not against pills, condoms, and the like. i heard jc say that why would we need to control the number of children? the philippines has lots of land. we have a lot of room for the children. but that is not necessarily the issue here mr. councilor, because who would need land if you have nothing to feed your children with? MAJOR FAIL. your stand against birth control is okay with me, but your reason aint. :P and you run for president after being a councilor? wow. amazing. i like your guts. :)

Jamby Madrigal -
ahw cmon. just ahw cmon.

Dick Gordon -
I personally like Dick. I mean with his ads? If they were really true, then good. I haven't heard from him over the past years, but he was really famous during Subic's golden age. Sadly though, as of this time, he is not presidentiable material as he'd only be buried by the other candidates. Good luck to you though Mr. Gordon.

Manny Villar -
So he's rich. we all know he's rich. And the people he had helped with for the past years really are very grateful. if he did it for personal intentions, i don't care. he helped them anyhow. i received an email today showing his house in utah... if it was really his house, then WOW. really, a big WOW. you have great taste mr villar. but i heard some people have been criticizing him for that.. well, if he built his house using his own money, i really don't have a problem with that.. it's his money after all. if he gave away all of his money to help the country, then i really don't have a problem with that too. hahahahah again, it's HIS money. if he got it legally, then it's HIS right. i hate his pro-poor ads though. but i really liked his statement when he said, if i wanted to be richer, then all i need to do is go back to being a businessman. you have a point there sir. but we're still afraid of what you may or may not be able to do.

Noynoy Aquino -
Great heart. And i know you would never ever stain your father's good name. For Kris though, although you may be a lot older than her, you still seem like her little brother. It's Kris. She's family. So what can you do? It does hurt your image though. :) But you're way smart when you took this chance. Coz you've got the greatest advantage. It was the perfect timing. You don't have a very large track record as a senator compared to the other one (we know who). but you're a good man. So please do not make promises that you're not sure you would be able to keep. Because if you did win, I would not want to hear everyone complain that you did not do as well as they expected. Now that would be a shame.

Gibo Teodoro -
I WOWed when they enumerated Gibo's achievements. If he was an online character, he would have imba stats. :)) I loved this statement from him: "Let us educate our countrymen who are fed these kinds of information [pro-poor infomercials] that there are only things that the government can provide and things that the people must work for themselves. I cannot promise an end to poverty, just the road to recovery". Because he's right. And I bravoed. If I was to rate him, out of 10, i'd give him a 9.. and if there wasn't that much to consider, i'd vote for him in a heartbeat. but there's still a lot to think about. and news to listen to. the closer it gets to election after all, the more you hear life-changing reports about these presidentiables.

and i'm done. let me review first.
hmmm... scrolling...

waaaaaaahhh i forgot one more. need i mention?

Erap Estrada -
should i comment just like i did with Jamby? uhmm. no i have a lot more to say. People... Masa ng Pilipinas... Please do not forget he was CONVICTED of plunder. yes, he was not guilty of perjury, but he WAS GUILTY of plunder. are we really that dumb? ang masang pilipino ba ay ganoon katanga? no wonder we're a poor country. we all vote into office people like this one, and we blame the government because it's corrupt. heller. pagsure oie. he was pardoned, you see, and now he's allowed to run.. GEEZ. you can find this only in the philippines. people who are in prison can even win as senator. wow. onli in da pilipins.
if the results came in and erap got millions of votes, on that day, and weeks after that, i would deny being a filipino. i'm not kidding.

there there. who will i vote for? i don't know yet. but i guess you already know who i have crossed off my list. is there any other candidate i do not know of? if there was, i'd probably vote for him since he'd probably have the least number of votes. hahahah i haven't heard from him after all.. well, if there wasn't, then i'm crossing my fingers hoping i can vote for the "right" one.

pero sure jud ko na akong butaran sa senado kay ang people i feel will have the least number of votes. :) it's because i'm nice. hahahahah.. i know the ones who are really famous and who really deserve it will get millions and millions of people voting for them, my one vote wouldn't matter that much. might as well give it to those who need it more. :P ayun. the end. bow.

PS. if i offended anyone, sowee. :) it's MY blog after all. you can write your own if you want to retaliate. :P

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
okay. so after this entry got posted on facebook, as i am importing my notes from this blog, lupin suddenly commented i forgot eddie villanueva.

well, here goes.

Eddie Villanueva -
i said i was talking dirty wasn't i? u know, no matter how good the intentions of a person are, once they join politics, they get smeared on their faces. and once u get out of it, that stain will forever be on you. mr. villanueva says he's doing this to help the filipino people. now, i just don't get it why religious leaders like him try to run for office. I believe God has already given them a flock to attend to, isn't that enough for them that they seek for more? running and losing probably means it isn't meant for u. if mr villanueva has ulterior motives for running this race once again, then i'm not sure if i care. because forgetting him on this list probably meant i did not seem to consider him that strong of a presidentiable. i haven't heard his platform yet. and i usually don't get to see his commercial "Eddie Ako", so that's why he didn't cross my mind. but again, i still have a lot of news to listen to... and a lot of reading to do.. so i don't know... will he get my vote? i don't know yet. :)

nanluod si cas

2010-03-05T21:28:00.000+08:00

i spent the past two days with my ison and when i got home, tag-ana kinsay nanluod?

hmmm castielle won't look at me.

:( naa sya sa iya duyan and kung ako gunitan iya kamot, iya ipalayo.. she usually smiles when i talk to her. now, she just faces the other way.

hmmmmm, ugma maokay na ni cya. :)
unta. ayaw na panluod langga nako.. promise mama won't be gone too long next time. :)

a new name. a new beginning. always a happy ending.

2010-02-26T13:28:00.002+08:00

i have a new name..

Kimberly N. Villaver-Fajardo

it sounds just about right. :P

my ison

2010-02-23T22:52:00.008+08:00

last year, i wrote this for you.
this year, i am reposting it just before our wedding.
this is for you my sweet. so that you will remember why you are the one... the one i will be spending the rest of my life with. why it can't be anyone else. heaven brought you to me, you know that? and i know no one else in the world can love me as much as you do. thank you. thank you. thank you for making all my dreams come true...

:) i love you.

This is a narration of the love I have for you. It would never be complete I know, for words can never describe this love. But I would like to tell you all the reasons why, in this world of worlds, I would rather not be anywhere else than here with you. And why, months from now, it is for you I will give my vow of eternal love, before man, and before God.

This is so you would never forget even through all the difficult days I might have to put you through... This is so you will always know that whatever happens, you are the only one in the world for me and that I love you so. I bet this is going to be long. You know how talkative I can get. :) I’ll just add more if I don’t get to finish it today.

Hmmm…

You often wonder exactly when I fell in love with you. I cannot quite remember either. It happened like springtime. Like movie springtime, you suddenly find all the flowers in bloom, after long days of winter. It had been a difficult three years before that day, and then for the first time, after a long time, I smiled for real. Because I woke up that morning and came to the realization that finally, I found the man I was going to marry.

I remember it was after that advice outside global.. that encounter with the old woman.. the talks until the wee hours of the morning.. the daily lunches and dinners.. it was after being with you for many months and finding out who you really are.

I did struggle days before that, because I was treading a difficult line. I had to choose whether it was wrong or right. But I fell in love with you anyway, because you are who you are. And after years of searching for you and having found you at last, I was willing to give up everything else. I hope everyone else would understand why I chose you... why I chose this.

You are more important than anything else I have in this world.

You say you are the luckiest in the world to have me. When in truth, I am the lucky one. Because of all the people in the world, it is I you had chosen to love the way you do.

I cry like hell for almost everything in the world. And you wipe away my tears day after day. Without meaning to, I get hurt for even the simplest of gestures, the smallest of words, the tiniest details, and regardless of whether I hide it or not, you always know what to do. And even when there are days I would think you could not put up with it anymore, you always come back and love me anyway, and you blow all the pain away.

You have been very good to me. You do all the little things for me. You serve me like I am your princess. You take care of me like I am a fragile little child. And you reprimand me when I do wrong. You stare at me lovingly, even when I look my worst, and you find me beautiful still. You cuddle with me. And you never forget to tell me just how much you love me. You never fail to kiss me on the forehead because you know I like it. You let me disturb you even when you’re busy just because I wanted you to notice me. You tease me rotten, until I punch you and cry, and then you always find a way to make it better.

You let me take care of you the best way I could, even when it really does not matter at all. You allow me to clip your nails coz you know I’ve never clipped mine (my nails are not growing anymore). You let me comb your hair. You let me massage you even when you know I give the worse massages in the world. You let me clean up even if you know I’m the worst housekeeper since clumsy-me will just make an awful lot of mess, and you forgive me anyway.

You let me tutor you because you know I want to do so. And you have intellectual conversations with me, sometimes it ends badly, but you always find ways to make me cool down after I argue too much about our points of view. You understand my immaturity. And you are patient with my laziness.

You have all those surprises for me, gifts that for some people would not mean much, but you know they mean a lot to me. You listen to me talk about all sorts of things; sometimes even for hours (I must imagine how difficult it’s been). You respect me and believe in me. You know how low my self-esteem is, but you have confidence in me.

You try so hard to make me proud of you. It’s as if you do not know that I already am... that no failing grade, no forgotten promise, no bad fight, or anything else is going to change that. You are the best friend (you can ask every single friend you know), the understanding brother (you always are the unwearied one), the obedient son (I know how much you admire and respect your father and your mother), the trusting soul (I know how much you love God), the faithful husband (I know you are), and the loving father (our future children would not find a better one than you).

And you are proud of me. In spite of everything I had gone through in life, and all the things I have done. I have never really been as proud of myself as I am with you.

I don’t think I can fit it all here. I just wanted to tell you about all the things you do for me you see. And I kinda’ got carried away. :)

But you know what my best memories of you are?
It’s during the times when I wake up late. It’s when I sleep in and wake up to your kisses and hugs, and then you still let me go back to sleep, then you do it all again a little later because you miss me, even when I’m only a door away.
It’s during my sleepovers, when in the middle of the night, you suddenly wake from your sleep to hug me tight and kiss me and a few seconds later, you snore your heart out.
It’s during those moments when you talk about the family we would have someday, and how, with all sincerity, you tell me you would give me all that.

And I can’t help but cry and wonder how in the world I deserved you.

You are my proof of God’s infinite love for me. And the family we will be creating will be a witness to that. I love you my Ison. Nothing is ever going to change that. I love you more than you would ever know, and much much more than I could ever show.

And if somebody asked about life before I even met you, I would not be able to remember. Everything that happened in the past was just part of me getting ready so I could love you the way I know how to love you now. Life for me began when you arrived. The life I always wanted to have. Sure, I have dreamt it chronologically different, but now that I’m here, I would not wish for it any other way. I’m just happy.

There are still a few things we have to fix though. But it’s going to be okay. You always assure me that as long as we’re together, we’re going to be just fine. And I believe you with all my heart and soul. In three years, we’ll have good jobs (I hope you get the one you’re going to be really happy in :)), a good house (of course hihihihi), and the most loving child (maybe more hihihihi). And we’ll let the years roll by.

And then we can make the situation you talked to me about come true, about us getting old together, going to do grocery together still even during that age, hearing mass together, and then calling each other the sweetest names as if we were still 16.

You are the sweetest person in the world, you know that? And I am the only one you show that to. :) Am I not blessed?

I hope whatever the world throws at us, we’ll remain forever true like we vowed to be. I will pray every day for the strength and the wisdom for that.

You are my angel, the touch of heaven in my life. I love you my sweet.

cabal wedding

2010-02-19T03:27:00.010+08:00

we won the february event in cabal.

can you believe that? hmmm ison was always confident we would win (palabi lang jud sya kabilib nako hahahah). and we did. isn't that great?
not only are we getting married, our cabal characters are getting married too.

so here's the link to the forum. if you'ld like to see the CM's announcement, just go to page 2.
http://forums.e-games.com.ph/index.php?showtopic=262814&st=0#entry2800278

=P

ahahahah. isn't that cute? although there has been a change to our civil wedding schedule, (instead of this saturday, it will be on february 26, next friday), it's no biggie. :) ison's parents are coming to cebu to attend the wedding, so next week is definitely better for them.

i brought my lil angel castielle a nice dress to wear on that day. so we both can look nice together. :) i hope we can get a family picture then. :) that would be soooo great.

i will be going to the city tomorrow.. guess why? ison says we're going to login for the cabal wedding in ayala. that way, before and after the wedding, we can go on our date. and the cabal wedding will be part of it. :)

isn't my ison the greatest? hihihhihih heaven brought him to me. he is everything i prayed for. except of course wala ko gaexpect nga grabe (as in GRABE to the max, dili nya maantos nga dili manungog... mura na syag mabuang nga dili kapanungog nako in one day.) kasungogan akong ma-bana... but sige nalang... iya man dayun bawion kung saputon nako.. wala pa jud ko maanad. but i'm forgiving. :P he's really sweet when he isn't teasing me. so okies nalang. hahahaha

this is a picture of our wedding rings. :)
his name is engraved on mine. and my name, kimberley (give chance kay mao man jud ang akoang spelling), is engraved on his. :)

since ako man ang gasuwat sa story, mao lang na akong wedding gift nimo baby ha? hahahaha we won after all. so bongga. :P see you tomorrow my sweet2.. mmmwwwaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

re-posting what CM Charms had posted. i like this a lot. :)

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine

thank you baby.. :)

2010-02-04T18:42:00.002+08:00

I love the way you smile when I look in your eyes.
I love the way you laugh when I try to be funny.
And how a tear rolls down your face

When I say no one could ever take your place.

And baby when you sleep, I watch you breathing.
And baby when you dream, I dream with you.
Cause everywhere you are is where I wanna be, it's true.
Everything you do makes me know how much I love you.

The way you touch my lips right after every kiss,
And softly whisper that I'm your everything.
The way you pray our love won't die
Every night just before you close your eyes.

And baby when you sleep, I watch you breathing.
And baby when you dream, I dream with you.
Cause everywhere you are is where I wanna be, it's true.
Everything you do makes me know how much I love you.

And I believe some things were meant to be.
As sure as there is love, yours is meant for me.

Baby when you sleep, I watch you breathing.
And baby when you dream, I dream with you.
Cause everywhere you are is where I wanna be, it's true
Everything you do makes me know how much...

Baby when you sleep, I watch you breathing.
And baby when you dream, I dream with you.
Cause everywhere you are is where I wanna be, it's true
Everything you do makes me know how much I love you.

computer engineering

2010-01-21T23:47:00.006+08:00

i was reading postsecret postcards today (http://postsecret.blogspot.com/) and found this.

i don't know if it's okay to reproduce it here.

however, i wanted badly to post it.

so there.

i know i've finished my undergraduate degree and this is a profession i can't really run from anymore. i'm doing my masters now.

don't get me wrong. i don't hate the course i chose. and i know i'm doing just okay.

but for some reason, i think i made the wrong choice.

should have been doing math and getting better at it. should have been building buildings and bridges. should have been better at what i'm supposed to do.

so there.

now, a part of me

says i'd rather be a housewife

than finish my graduate degree and be a computer engineer

for the rest of my life.

sorry brain. i've always been just too scared to choose another profession and not find friends there.

the sweetest cabal character

2010-01-18T01:11:00.009+08:00

i'm waiting for Castielle to wake up para magdrink ug milk..

and since I really have nothing to do while waiting, i decided to blog. And without anything to blog about, I decided to blog about the latest wall posts (in facebook) I have. this is going to be really boring. ahhahaha

Ison's character got banned on the 14th this month.. And well, since they just changed accounts, the bail out just cost them 20 pesos. And guess what? A few hours after bailout, they got banned again. Ban na naman on the 15th. They did not do any more violations and so I helped them file a ticket to E-games' helpdesk. I got an incomprehensive stupid reply... and so i had to talk about it in the forums page hoping for a better explanation.

http://forums.e-games.com.ph/index.php?showtopic=251962

http://forums.e-games.com.ph/index.php?showtopic=251996

hahahah makasapot noh? ahhahahaha...

and so the impatient ison said he'll just bail out the character sometime next week to avoid any further bans. kay ang sunod ra ba na bailout 500Php na.. well, i suggested he wait mga two weeks or so.

then, this morning, sunday 4AM, i believe that was the exact time. my ison's impatience sunk in.

and he finally bailed out his character with 150Php. kay wala niya maantos. basin bringer na daw sya and sayang kuno. well, for those who do not play Cabal, there is only one bringer per class for every nation. the bringer title is awarded to the one with the most points during the week wars. he's usually the strongest for that particular class in that particular nation. and nakuha talaga niya ang pagkabringer... medyo mahirap kasi because there are a lot of other strong characters. :) competition is fierce.

hahahaha kung ma-ban ni sya balik, tagam jud ni. nagchange account naman lang gud na sya. the last time he finally got banned to the point na the bailout was 1000. if he got banned one more time, it would be permanent. and so nipalit sila ni orine ug pangchange account costing 1300. and karon banned twice. three more times and the ban would be permanent. :)) hilak ang 50000Php worth character. hahahahah.. imba items na man ni sya gud... LOLz.. ibaligya man ta ni. pero i dunno ug ila ba idayun kay murag maghuot ilang dughan.. ako sad... maghuot sad akong dughan... it's hard when you've learned to love your inanimate character. :)

anyway, sa mga di karelate kay medyo boring na ako storya. hahahaha.. so ako sya gipalogin ug dali2 and i logged in using my FA Milky (this is a character nga ghatag lng sa akoa kay nahackdelete man ako original character). then picture2 dayun... :) i'm proud of my baby of course. hahaha as u can see from the picture, magsiga siga na ang bringers. :) SIKAT. ahhahahha and aside from that, kung mu-loud chat na ang bringer, iyang isulti mugawas sa center sa screen (cool diba). and it is not only seen on the channel you are in, it's seen on ALL channels of the server sa imo nation. so SIKAT MULENG. :)

well, nabringer naman ni si ison sauna katong Ventura pa ang name sa character ug katong naa pa sya sa pikas nation (CAPELLA). magsamok2 gud ko ato igkadlawon sauna muloudchat ko ug "i love kimkim" hahahah para sikat akong name.. this is the first time na bringer sya na PROCYON na iya nation. 600Php man tingai ang gasto para balhin nation... ehehehe.. pero mas nice karon kay Castielle na iyang name! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

and pagkahuman sa picturepicture, this was the best part of all.

hahahahah because as u can see from the next pictures, Castielle (the Cabal blader sa Venus server, formerly known as Ventura) suddenly became the sweetest cabal character on earth yesterday. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....

(ABOVE PIC: dili maklaro ang chatbox so ako nalang izoom in)

(ABOVE PIC: soooooooooooooo sweeeeeeeeeeeetttttttttttt)

makakilig. ayeeeeeeee... i really love my ison. for those who know him, you'd never imagine he'd be this sweet, did you? hahahaha. but he is. all the time. :) he's my perfect other half.

wa pa tawon nimata among baby... she'll probably be waking up in 30 minutes or so... hmmmm mag facebook games nalang sa ko. hihihihi magblog nalang kog lain entry next time kanang makarelate na ang mga tawo...

btaw... i miss playing cabal. :)) ahhaha but according to ison, si castielle nalang among busyhan. :) no need for online games anymore. but still, makamingaw ang amo old life...

la nako nafeel ang sinulog today gani. hahahah kay busy at home with my sweet sweet (GRABE KAMALDITA and KADEMANDING) na castielle (MARO2x PA! :D makabuang! LOL).. hihihih maybe next year makalaag na sad mi ni ison together on sinulog like we used to. then in three years or more, kuyog na sad si castielle. :)

bb until next time. :P

You're my life's miracle Ison nako :)

2010-01-08T12:55:00.003+08:00

Hmmm… Can’t you tell I’m excited? It’s going to be in a few weeks. We have a lot of documents to process and I just can’t wait. I hate the long lines, but we have to make it happen soon. And I’m jumping-out-of-my-wits-excited. I want all the papers ready already! Hahahahah. And I wonder what it will be like to wear my wedding ring. Hihiihihh… Bobot (Amo ning joke ni Ison ^^). LOL. What will we have it engraved with? For Always. Forever. For All Eternity. You Bring Out The Best In Me. I can’t decide. =) Ison and Kim. Masakto kaha tanan?

Ison says it would have been better if it was a church wedding, but since that isn’t allowed yet, we’ll be doing the civil wedding first.

But you know what? It really doesn’t matter how it’s done. As long as it’s with him. I can’t imagine a different life with someone else. The church wedding will come later pa since I am going to have to change my religion first. I probably will try and start next month. How do I feel about it? Hmmm as of the moment, yes, it does hurt a bit because I will be leaving the religion I grew up in. But Ison wants us in the same church, so we won’t argue too much over our faith (like we almost did yesterday AGAIN).

And it’s okay. I’m already rational and spiritual enough to believe that God brought me to this. Perhaps this is where I’m supposed to be. (Para akong anak dili mapareha nako kabadlungon? Bwahhahahaha…) Bitaw oie, I’m going to do it for my Ison and our Castielle. This is for the family we will be building together. So no worries. ^^,)

Over a year ago, I wrote an entry in this blog and said I was wishful thinking, but I think I found the man I am going to marry. If you knew Ison for who he really is, then you would know just like how I did that day (As if ni POOF! lang? =P). You would know there is no one else for me but him. =) No one else could bring out the best in me but my Ison.

I miss him so much already. I guess that’s why I’m writing this. I spent the day with him yesterday running all around the city. City Health, NSO, Capitol, Pag-Ibig, blahblah… =) Kapoi kaayu but okay lang kuyog man mi. Hihihihi. He’s going to visit us here sa Minglanilla tomorrow. I can’t wait to see him again. =)

I hope you’re happy for me.
This is going to be the start of something big in my life. And the immature me will be going through a major phase.. But I know everything’s going to be alright because Ison will be there holding my hand. He loves me. And I love him.

Well, bantayan sa nako si Eeyel. Here are some of my favorite love song lines. (Kay nagpatukar ko ron, and I only miss Ison even more ihihihihih)

-----------------------------------------------
Suddenly our destiny has started to unfold
When you’re next to me I can see the greatest story love has ever told
Now my life is blessed with the love of an angel, how can it be true?
Somebody to keep the dream alive, the dream I found in you
I always thought that love would be the strangest thing to me
But when we touch, I realize
That I found my place in heaven by your side
-----------------------------------------------
Let the world stop turning, let the sun stop burning
Let them tell me love’s not worth going through
If it all falls apart, I will know deep in my heart
The only dream that mattered had come true
Cause in this life, I was loved by you
-----------------------------------------------
Now anyone who's felt the touch of heaven in their lives
Will know the way I'm feeling, looking in my baby's eyes
That's why I can't bear to be too far away
I know that God must love me cause
He sent you to me
-----------------------------------------------
When I look into your eyes
I can see how much I love you and it makes me realize
When I look into your eyes
We will always be together, and our love will never die
When I look into your eyes
I see all my dreams come true when I look into your eyes
-----------------------------------------------

And lastly, akong isulat ang tibuok namo wedding song. Of course, sa church wedding na ni someday. =)
-----------------------------------------------
Tell me can you feel my heart beat
Tell me as i kneel down at your feet
I knew there would come a time
When these two hearts would entwine
Just put your hand in mine
Forever

For so long I have been an island
When no one could ever reach the shores
And we've got a whole lifetime to share
And I'll always be there, darling this i swear

So please believe me for these words I say are true
And don't deny me a lifetime loving you
If you ask will I be true
Do I give my all to you?
Then I will say I do

I'm ready to begin this journey
Well I'm with you with every step you take
And we've got a whole lifetime to share
And I'll always be there
Darling this I swear

So please believe me for these words I say are true
And don't deny me a lifetime loving you
If you ask will I be true
Do I give my all to you?
Then I will say I do

So come on just take my hand oh come on
Let’s make a stand for our love
I know this is so hard to believe
So please
So please believe me for these words I say are true
And don't deny me a lifetime loving you
And if you ask will I be true
And do I give my all to you?

If you ask if I’ll be true
Do I give my all to you?
Then I will say I do

-----------------------------------------------

wife crying after star wars

2010-01-06T06:21:00.007+08:00

Deanne just pm'd me with this.

I really found it funny and cute and had to post it.

Why this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_K4mAD8xnc

Because she cried after watching the movie and couldn't get over it.

LOL..

sounds familiar.. hmmm now who do i know does that?

haahaaahahahahaaha

and PS

who wouldn't cry for vader? his story is so sad.

Christmas Day

2009-12-25T08:56:00.005+08:00

I know Ison and his family do not believe in the celebration of Christmas Day today, as it is not part of their religion. Today is the day Catholics all over the world remember how Christ has come to redeem us. And so, being the Catholic that i am, I say a Merry Merry Christmas to everyone! Today is one of the best holidays of the year after all. People are nicer. People are more loving. The world is a lot better.

And for me and my family, this year, for Christmas, God has granted us a wonderful gift.

Today is a glorious day. :)

http://www.gmanews.tv/story/180184/abducted-basilan-college-official-released-police

Castielle can't wait to see his Papa, Lolo, Lola, and Tito. :)

my emotions

2009-12-17T12:10:00.003+08:00

i miss my ison.

i miss him too much that my heart burns when i think about how difficult it must be for him right now. i watch our daughter sleep and ask if she, too, wonders how he is doing.

http://www.philstar.com/Article.aspx?articleid=531754

http://www.philstar.com/Article.aspx?articleId=532390&publicationSubCategoryId=63

20 Million. where are we supposed to get that? the pessimist me loses hope too easily. but i have to remain strong. for my ison. for our castielle. i have not heard any news from them so far, mostly because ison prefers to not tell me anything. he knows how emotional i can become. and i might not be strong enough to keep handling hope and keep losing it again. he calls only to ask how we are doing and he keeps on promising me that everything will be okay soon and we will be together again. i can hear the hint of uncertainty in his voice. and i can feel his pain. but he is my ison. he's strong. he's faithful. this is only a test from God. and with His grace, we'll get through this.

but i miss him terribly.

terribly terribly so. i wish i could blow all his pain away.

i remember ison talk about his dad every so often. and i have considered myself very lucky that this person is going to be my daughter's grandfather. but why him? why take him away at a time like this?

my darling castielle.

i am scared. would i be a good mother to you? i have grown and lived without the care of my parents. and i wonder how i would be like as one. i promise to care for you and love you the best way i can, the best way i know how. but i can't help but be scared. the past three nights had already been difficult so far. teach me patience. teach me how to love you more.

i am sorry my little angel. you came into this world and was met by tragedy as great as this one. who would have thought? we were all looking forward to december. everything had been planned. who knew your father and his family would not be here to welcome you with me?

i can only pray and wait that next week, your lolo will be returned to us safe and sound. and our family will be whole again. and then, then so, you will be able to feel how much they all love you.

my ison.

come back here when you finally can. i miss you my sweet. i miss you terribly that i feel myself choke as if my heart is in my throat when i am reminded of you. we talk over the phone and i can't help but cry, and you try your best to comfort me assuring me everything is going to be okay, even when it is you who needs to be comforted more. you have to remain strong for your mother, your brother, and your father. and i am so sorry you also have to remain strong for me.

i love you so much.

castielle is waking up right now. i can't say more. i promise to take care of her. we will be here waiting for you to come back.

come back soon my ison.

life is too short to not spend it with the people you love the most.

please keep my ison safe

2009-12-10T21:45:00.005+08:00

How many prayers are needed for this?

My ison and his brother just left tonight for the airport. They need to go home. It's an emergency.

Castielle is coming soon and I am very happy for this gift. But today is a dark day..

Lord, Lord, please keep my ison safe.

Please keep his family safe.

Please Lord.

http://zamboangajournal.blogspot.com/2009/12/basilan-state-college-vice-president.html

bday bday bday

2009-11-16T12:19:00.002+08:00

wanted to post something for this day..

but i don't know what.

hahahahhaha

anyway, my fiance and i are going out on a date later. :)

i am sooo excited. LOL

"minahal kita sa taglay mong pambihira.."

a sad day (goodbye shiela...)

2009-11-13T02:12:00.007+08:00

let me just tell you why this became one very sad day...

i watched my usual reruns of supernatural. i had nothing much to do after all. and when i finally got to the starting part of season 4, i got bored by the third episode since i've seen it like a lot of times before.. i then turned on my laptop since i was downloading the last few episodes of season 4. ison had not seen it and i really wanted him to watch the season ender.

i thought i'd just leave this on while i slept through the night. i have to go somewhere early tomorrow. and i was hoping the download would be done by the time i get back...

but before that, i checked my emails first. and sir luis just sent me a message on facebook.

and what i read shocked me right through my core.

it was his eulogy for shiela.

and at first i thought, is this some kind of joke?

i read it. and with a million questions in my mind, i opened my facebook account. i looked at a few of my colleagues' walls.

and there it was.

shiela passed away this thursday morning. it was of cardiac arrest. she had uti, and she probably had it long enough that the infection caused her heart to fail.

this is, at the moment, unbelievable. shiela can't pass away. i mean she just can't. she's so young. is she just 22 or 23? she was so vibrant the last time i saw her. she was smiling a lot, like she always did...

i mean, it's shiela. the best working student i know. she was a close friend.. we laughed together while we watched the rest of the department made a fool of themselves during our outings. and anytime i needed help, whether it was for certain papers to be rushed to main, or to the bank, she was always ready and willing. even though i wouldn't ask her for help on photocopying my exams, she offered. and i'd run to her for substitution during exams to watch over my students. they were more afraid of feisty shiela than smiley me.

it broke my heart when she graduated and had to leave. i was happy for her. but it was a sad day to see her go. she was my ally against luis' meanness. and it was just sad to not have her around anymore.

the last time we talked, she called me on the phone to congratulate me about my situation. . she told me she remembered how i used to talk about how i wanted to start my family soon, have a baby soon, and get married soon. and she was very happy to find out it was all working out for me.

she even made me promise i'd come and see her when i had the chance. i told her i usually go to school at nights on thursdays. but i promised one time soon i'd be there when she's there.

and now, i really don't know what to say.

i rarely touched my phone for the past few months now. and i did not even reply the last time

she texted (wala koy load ato jud). and i just don't know what to think now. i just kinda thought it wasn't that much of a big deal. i'd see her soon anyway, she worked at bright academy. that's just a few meters away...

this is a very sad day.

and i just can't get my thoughts straight.. i still cannot believe it happened.

i'm at a loss.

i want to text her. i want to keep my promise and see her at the dept. i want to let her see Castielle. i want to tell her about every detail in my life so far. i want to catch up on what's been happening with her lately.

but i can't now. it's just too late.

i suddenly don't feel sleepy anymore.

my heart is breaking.

you are the only exception. :)

2009-10-24T15:58:00.003+08:00

it's sweet.. ^^

When I was younger I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart and I watched as he tried
To reassemble it

And my momma swore that she would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love if it does not exist
But darling...

You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception

Well maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways to make it alone
Or keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this keeping a comfortable
Distance
And up until now i swored to myself that I'm content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk
Well...

You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't let go of whats part of me here
i know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception

You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing
Oh and I'm on my way to believing

My Journey Of You, August 16, 2009

2009-08-16T00:43:00.008+08:00

This is a narration of the love I have for you. It would never be complete I know, for words can never describe this love. But I would like to tell you all the reasons why, in this world of worlds, I would rather not be anywhere else than here with you. And why, months from now, it is for you I will give my vow of eternal love, before man, and before God.

This is so you would never forget even through all the difficult days I might have to put you through... This is so you will always know that whatever happens, you are the only one in the world for me and that I love you so. I bet this is going to be long. You know how talkative I can get. :) I’ll just add more if I don’t get to finish it today.

Hmmm…

You often wonder exactly when I fell in love with you. I cannot quite remember either. It happened like springtime. Like movie springtime, you suddenly find all the flowers in bloom, after long days of winter. It had been a difficult three years before that day, and then for the first time, after a long time, I smiled for real. Because I woke up that morning and came to the realization that finally, I found the man I was going to marry.

I remember it was after that advice outside global.. that encounter with the old woman.. the talks until the wee hours of the morning.. the daily lunches and dinners.. it was after being with you for many months and finding out who you really are.

I did struggle days before that, because I was treading a difficult line. I had to choose whether it was wrong or right. But I fell in love with you anyway, because you are who you are. And after years of searching for you and having found you at last, I was willing to give up everything else. I hope everyone else would understand why I chose you... why I chose this.

You are more important than anything else I have in this world.

You say you are the luckiest in the world to have me. When in truth, I am the lucky one. Because of all the people in the world, it is I you had chosen to love the way you do.

I cry like hell for almost everything in the world. And you wipe away my tears day after day. Without meaning to, I get hurt for even the simplest of gestures, the smallest of words, the tiniest details, and regardless of whether I hide it or not, you always know what to do. And even when there are days I would think you could not put up with it anymore, you always come back and love me anyway, and you blow all the pain away.

You have been very good to me. You do all the little things for me. You serve me like I am your princess. You take care of me like I am a fragile little child. And you reprimand me when I do wrong. You stare at me lovingly, even when I look my worst, and you find me beautiful still. You cuddle with me. And you never forget to tell me just how much you love me. You never fail to kiss me on the forehead because you know I like it. You let me disturb you even when you’re busy just because I wanted you to notice me. You tease me rotten, until I punch you and cry, and then you always find a way to make it better.

You let me take care of you the best way I could, even when it really does not matter at all. You allow me to clip your nails even if you know I’ve never clipped mine (my nails are not growing anymore). You let me comb your hair. You let me massage you even when you know I give the worse massages in the world. You let me clean up even if you know I’m the worst housekeeper since clumsy-me will just make an awful lot of mess, and you forgive me anyway.

You let me tutor you because you know I want to do so. And you have intellectual conversations with me, sometimes it ends badly, but you always find ways to make me cool down after I argue too much about our points of view. You understand my immaturity. And you are patient with my laziness.

You have all those surprises for me, gifts that for some people would not mean much, but you know they mean a lot to me. You listen to me talk about all sorts of things; sometimes even for hours (I must imagine how difficult it’s been). You respect me and believe in me. You know how low my self-esteem is, but you have confidence in me.

You try so hard to make me proud of you. It’s as if you do not know that I already am... that no failing grade, no forgotten promise, no bad fight, or anything else is going to change that. You are the best friend (you can ask every single friend you know), the understanding brother (you always are the unwearied one), the obedient son (I know how much you admire and respect your father and your mother), the trusting soul (I know how much you love God), the faithful husband (I know you are), and the loving father (our future children would not find a better one than you).

And you are proud of me. In spite of everything I had gone through in life, and all the things I have done. I have never really been as proud of myself as I am with you.

I don’t think I can fit it all here. I just wanted to tell you about all the things you do for me you see. And I kinda’ got carried away. :)

But you know what my best memories of you are?
It’s during the times when I wake up late. It’s when I sleep in and wake up to your kisses and hugs, and then you still let me go back to sleep, then you do it all again a little later because you miss me, even when I’m only a door away.
It’s during my sleepovers, when in the middle of the night, you suddenly wake from your sleep to hug me tight and kiss me and a few seconds later, you snore your heart out.
It’s during those moments when you talk about the family we would have someday, and how, with all sincerity, you tell me you would give me all that.

And I can’t help but cry and wonder how in the world I deserved you.

You are my proof of God’s infinite love for me. And the family we will be creating will be a witness to that. I love you my Ison. Nothing is ever going to change that. I love you more than you would ever know, and much much more than I could ever show.

And if somebody asked about life before I even met you, I would not be able to remember. Everything that happened in the past was just part of me getting ready so I could love you the way I know how to love you now. Life for me began when you arrived. The life I always wanted to have. Sure, I have dreamt it chronologically different, but now that I’m here, I would not wish for it any other way. I’m just happy.

There are still a few things we have to fix though. But it’s going to be okay. You always assure me that as long as we’re together, we’re going to be just fine. And I believe you with all my heart and soul. In three years, we’ll have good jobs (I hope you get the one you’re going to be really happy in :)), a good house (of course hihihihi), and the most loving child (maybe more hihihihi). And we’ll let the years roll by.

And then we can make the situation you talked to me about come true, about us getting old together, going to do grocery together still even during that age, hearing mass together, and then calling each other the sweetest names as if we were still 16.

You are the sweetest person in the world, you know that? And I am the only one you show that to. :) Am I not blessed?

I hope whatever the world throws at us, we’ll remain forever true like we vowed to be. I will pray every day for the strength and the wisdom for that.

You are my angel, the touch of heaven in my life. I love you my sweet.

swept away by you :)

2009-07-29T19:48:00.004+08:00

I never had anything happen so fast
I took one look and I shattered like glass
I guess I let it show ’cause your smile told me you knew
That you’re everything I ever wanted at once
There’s no holding this heart when it knows what it wants
And I never wanted anything more than to know you

I was swept away
No one in the world but you and I
Gotta find a way to make you feel the way that I do
I was swept away
Without a warning
Like night when the morning begins the day
I was swept away

And so it begins
This journey of love
The summer wind carries us to places all our own
The words of a look
The language of touch
The way that you want me means so much
And I never wanted anything more than to love you

I am swept away
No one in the world but you and I
Gotta find a way to make you feel the way that I do
I am swept away
Without a warning
Like night when the morning begins the day
I was swept away

Seeing my tomorrows in your eyes
I was swept away
(I was)swept away
Without a warning
Like night when the morning begins the day
I was swept away

Ooh.. I hope I wake up soon
Ooh..I’m a victim of that crazy moon

Away...
No one in the world but you and I gotta find a way to make you feel the way that I do
I was swept away seeing my tomorrows in your eyes
I was swept away

Listen to the song here ->Swept Away - Dianne Elise

the promises of the future

2009-07-02T10:39:00.006+08:00

this is the only place (of course other than talking to ison) where i can say what's on my mind without negative reactions allowed. and i really wanted to say a few things.

this is addressed to all the people who care.

i know i act like a child, and as ideal as i want my future to be, i know life is difficult. and i have learned many many many times how cruel the world is, the hard way. and if you are only afraid that i will get my heart broken again, i am a million times much more scared than you are. but i am facing it with all the optimism i have, because you know what? i believe this is what makes my life beautiful anyway. and this is something i really really really would like to last.

i wonder why everyone needs to go negative all of a sudden. just because i decided to get married soon, does that really make it look like i am playing one of my weird games? why do people look at marriage as if it's something i should be really scared about?

i think every bride should be filled with all the hopes of what her married future would bring, not scared of all the things which may or may not happen. is being married really all that bad? that you all have to advice me to try and live it out with the husband i would have and check if it works out fine and if we won't get tired of each other? i don't get it.

isn't that what the promise of marriage is?

that whatever you find out about the person after you get married and vow each other eternity, you would stay and be with them still. you accept them for who they are. and you love them in spite of all their flaws, as you have promised.

no one is perfect, they become perfect for you only if you learn to accept them for who they are, with all their barenakedness. why is it that people tell me that when we do get married, he will show me who he really is and by then i'll probably wonder what the hell i was thinking?

i know who he is. he is the one who loves me in spite of everything i have done. he is the person i am going to rely my entire life unto. and he is the one i am ready to spend my entire life with.

and yes, you say he is young, but if his love is as true as my love (which i know it is), it will last. and yes, he will change, a countless times he will. and i will change with him. i will love the person he is going to change into, as he had said, if he changes, he changes only for the better, and we will only love each other even more. and i trust him.

this person will become the father of all the children i'll have. he will be the person i will wake up with 10, 20, 30 --50 years from now. he will be the person i will be hearing mass with when i'm 70, and kiss right before i sleep. and if God will take me first, he will be the person next to me on my deathbed.

and yes, i know what i am getting myself into. and i am not going to regret it. because a lifetime is not long enough for me to love ison with all my heart and soul.

my life had not been nice.. and for those who know, i probably never had a childhood. i loved difficultly.. and i fell down a million times harder than most people. i made the worst mistakes i could make and i am sorry for every single one of them.

and i am still here because i had my dreams. i had to get through to see my happy ending come true. and it's almost here. i am finally happy now... don't you think this is something that you should at least give me? shouldn't i have the right to be happy for this?

i think i deserve it.
so don't scare me anymore. i don't need it.

i'm going to love being married. and this is going to be one of the best things that's gonna happen to me.

old faces

2009-06-24T18:52:00.003+08:00

just wanted to talk about the kind of dreams i have been having for the past two weeks now...

they aren't nightmares. and they're very very normal-like.

it's the people i'm with that seems to be bothering me. i have been dreaming of old high school and college classmates. and they differ everytime. i dreamt of people i had once been close to.. and i also dreamt of some i rarely ever talked to.

well, last night i dreamt of some college classmates. and the night before that, a different group of college classmates. and well, the night before that, high school classmates (and some schoolmates i had that i don't think i ever acquainted myself with)... and the list goes on.

different faces everytime. but old familiar faces.

i rarely believe in interpreting dreams but i went ahead and looked for some dream dictionary online. and here's what i found.
CLASSMATES
To see old classmates in your dream, indicates that you need to draw on your old associations with your former classmates to gain insight in some current relationship. It represents a past lesson that you have learned and is applicable in some aspect of your waking life now.

hmmmmm i don't have any idea what this is about. hahhahahaha...old associations. insight. past lesson.

yah...well i'm trying to contact a few people my heart came closest to these past two days.. to tell them of my current situation. and cross my fingers, pray they're happy for me.

what past lesson? hahahahah over the years, i have learned many. but i'm stubborn... i don't think they did any good.

anyway, i'll just see.
but nothing in the world is going to change my mind about this happy ending. ^^ whatever may come, i will be fine.

my ison will be with me. ^^

what's up

2009-06-23T10:18:00.007+08:00

so what's been up with my life lately?

nothing much.
i'm at present back home in minglanilla and doing nothing.
i just enrolled myself in two masteral classes last week. one was for my thesis proposal and the other was on distributed systems or whatever. i was supposed to enroll in three, but there was no teacher for the cryptography class, so bummer. hahahaha

i stopped working for the mean time. and i know i should start getting bored doing nothing soon but i haven't been feeling too well for the past few weeks, and puking everything i get inside my system has been keeping me busy.

enough about that. so what happened during the trip i planned? it turned out most of the people we were supposed to go there with could not come, and so i just went there with my lovey-doves and his brother. we really had fun. to be exact, it was a wonderful vacation. our food came mostly from their restaurant, and i could not even count how many times i ordered their bihon guisado (it's the best i tell you). i even had one packed on the way home. ^^ hiihihiihhihi..

we don't have too many pictures since we don't really have a waterproof camera. but the cave was nice. i saw sir martin adane there with his korean friends, and then freedom pelone and diane vinluan were also there for their team building. they weren't staying at the resort though. they just went there for the cave.

sometimes, we would have the cave all to ourselves. the water was cold. when i wanted to shake the cold, i just had to go to the pool (spent only five minutes there hahahaha), I had better fun at the beach... since it's the rainy season, there were lots of jellyfish already. ison hated jellyfish. i didn't know i was supposed to hate them. but well, i learned. and i murdered about 8 jellyfish there. that's enough for one lifetime. i've never killed one before that. hahahaha.... but it was fun. there were lots of fishes, and i had fun playing with the sand.. and of course, murdering jellyfish. where were the boys then? they went biking, and since i really don't know how to bike, i just had to stay put by the beach...

we also rented kayaks. hahaha then i realized i'm the worst kayak driver in the world.. so so so. it got me thinking, if i was really rich, i'd probably spend a week or two there, and i'd be staying at the P18000/day room (yes there is one, it's probably one big house, i don't know). heheheh wishful thinking. hahahahah

so what more do i say?

ahhh yeah. ison's parents are coming to cebu this week. huhuhuhuhuh scared me.. huhuhuhuhu.... wish me luck. i gotta act all grown-up. hahahahah or else, as ison had said, the comment would go like this "saan mo napulot ang batang yan?"..

hihihihii... i'm at 15 weeks now, for those who know what this is about...i'm still not feeling so good... i wish i would get a lot better so i can start working on other things and of course i can go visit school more often..

ciao. til next time.

ps. just sharing jason mraz's version of rainbow connection by kermit the frog. ^^ i recorded this from youtube cutting out his intro talk. ^^ hope you like it. ^^

Rainbow Connection -

jason took out some of the lyrics here. i'm posting the original lyrics though and a link to kermit's version. ^^

Rainbow Connection - Kermit

Why are there so many
Songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side
Rainbow's are visions
They're only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide
So we've been told and some chose to
Believe it
But I know they're wrong wait and see
Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me
Who said that every wish
Would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star
Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it
And look what it's done so far
What's so amazing
That keeps us star gazing
What so we think we might see
Someday we'll find it
That Rainbow Connection
The lovers the dreamers and me
Have you been half asleep
And have you heard voices
I've heard them calling my name
Are these the sweet sounds that called
The young sailors
I think they're one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
There's something that I'm supposed to be

Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

bantayan trip

2009-06-01T09:12:00.008+08:00

okay..

so it's too early to post about it when i still have 12 days for making it come true.. but i'm just so excited i couldn't help it.

we plan to go to this place.
http://www.stafebeach.com/

they have like a cave, swimming pool and a really nice beach. although the price is a little bit high, i think i'll just have to suck it in. mam ann says it's better to go there than other cheaper resorts if i really i want this trip to be one of my best bantayan trips..
i'll be bringing ison with me after all. :)

i'm just so excited.
so here's the plan.
we leave FRIDAY around dawn, june 12. spend two nights there and go home on SUNDAY noon, june 14. we'll probably get here around 5pm or so. :) and sleep early for the next day na.

mam ann helped me with the budgeting, so it's going to be one seaview villa room (P3500), and extra P280 per extra mattress for every night.. i'm glad mam ann got a 10% discount, so we only need to hand in 1500 each. There are about 5-8 of us and the 1500 would cover the accommodation and the fare(2-way).

cool, huh? that only leaves budget for food. i thought of budgeting for 7 meals. if i assign P150 for each, that will be about P8400 or less. I'm going to hand in some extra money (about 3K), ison will help, and maybe cora will too. and the extra cash we lack, the others could probably make up for.

hahaha... sorry for talking about money and stuff here. i'm just too excited about our bantayan trip that i wanted to make sure i had it all laid down for us.

weeeeeeeeeeeeee... maybe the next time i blog, it'll be about the experience.

BLEH!!! see guys pasuya au mo sa inyo vacation, i'm planning mine nalang pud. :P

ison loves me.

2009-05-29T22:29:00.004+08:00

ison loves me.

hihihih...
and i love him. more than anything else in the world.

and i agree with deanne. hahahha sa tanto nakong tutok ani nga picture... yeps, pareha nami ug nawong ni ison..
:P

the sad ending

2009-05-29T16:29:00.003+08:00

wala lang.

sir christian and i talked today.
and i almost cried.

because he made me think about the sad ending for this story. it's not what i would want. but it's not in my hands.

it's in God's.
and it becomes a happy ending only if God allows it to be.

and that's what makes it a lot sadder. because i know he's right.

the apology i did not want to hear

2009-05-29T13:01:00.003+08:00

somebody from my past called.

at first, i really did not answer the call, what more could he say anyway? but i figured since it's something i don't want to be bothered about some other day, i answered it anyway.

he asked how i was doing... asked how my world was... asked about his brother... asked about school... asked about the enrolment... asked about stuff i really think he could just have asked about from someone else.
and i guess i really didn't want to be impolite. i waited until he ran out of questions so i could put the phone down. ison was there after all. and i know how heavy it must have been for him.

and there it came. the apology.

"sorry."

for what? what does an apology really do? i don't believe you should ask for forgiveness for breaking someone's heart long after it's over. it's not needed. and i doubt it's something the other party wants to hear. what good does it do really? for the heartbreaker, would it ease up the burden he carries when he thinks about how much of a horrible person he really is?

there are things i wanted to say too. like how i know the truth. like how i know what he said. like how i know what he did. but there are some things better left unsaid. it's all part of some yesterday i have trouble remembering now. what good does it do anyway? i'm happy now. and the person he is now is not the person i would really like to explain anything to.

the person he is is not the person i had loved once, a long time ago. i doubt that person really did exist, after knowing what i know.

when an apology like that comes, you do not really know what to say. i, for sure, didn't. so i said it did not matter. that was something that happened a long time ago. and whatever.. and i said goodbye.. it was an apology unwanted. it was an apology unneeded.

and you know what? even when i thought he no longer had a hold over me or could ever destroy my life again, indirectly, he still matters. because until now, ison hates me.

he hates for me for taking the call.
and i have done everything i know to make it all go away. to make us be like it was before i took the call... but nothing worked.

i'm almost giving up. when the person i love does something wrong like that, i get violent, then i cry... then when he hugs me and assures me everything is fine, everything else won't matter and things go back to the way they were. but with ison it's different.

the more i try to talk about it, the more we head to an argument that hurts us both. and even if i swallow my pride and beg him over and over to forgive me for taking that call, the more he finds ways to tell me things that make it all worse. i gave him some time alone, and still nothing's better.. i let us sleep over it, and it's still not better. i watched him sleep all night and showered him with a million hugs and kisses, and still it's not getting better. i assured him of how much i love him, and nothing's the same still.

i ran out of options now.
i'm not the kind of person who runs away from the consequences of what i know i really did do. and although it's really hard to accept it, i face it anyhow.

i made a mistake when i took that call. i really hate myself for listening to what he had to say, i really did not want to after all.. it was uncalled for. and it was unnecessary.

and if ison hates me for having done that, then i guess there's only one thing left to do but to accept it. if he cannot forgive me, after doing every known apology i could do, then it's not up to me anymore.

i'll pray he finds it in his heart to forgive me. if he really loves me as much as he says he does, then there's really nothing i should be worried about right?

i'm going home to see my lola tomorrow.
and when i do, i pray he'd be with me then and realize that instead of making this worse by letting that someone from my past destroy what we had built together, we can just live our lives and be happy again.

we have a lot to look forward to after all when the fruit of our love would finally be here.

i love my ison

2009-05-11T19:25:00.008+08:00

hihihihi...

i'm feeling much better now. hahahha... she and i texted. and it was really funny guys!

because she was so desperate, ang iya gibuhat kay nanghadlok, nagthreaten nga magkalat sa public ug baho nga u already know, labi nag libak, is not true.

and i laughed. and gibastos ko niya. but ison arrived to my rescue. finally, after this entire ordeal, i learned something.

you should not expect too much from people.
my baby realized that...
they will only, one day, prove u wrong. my baby always knew what she was (TRASH hahahah), but he never expected she'd do that to him, after all he has done for her. tsktsk. kawawa naman.

and you know what?
she texted a lot later to say she's changing numbers. she was so DAMN HURT daw. yah right. u should be. ison was the only person who ever tried to look for the good in you. and when he had the courage to finally tell you what you really are, you hurt. hahahah. you must have been bleeding your guts out. HOW MUCH PAIN WAS IT? when you know ison. and you know he wouldn't lie. "WALA KANG KWENTA." it was his last sentence. wasn't it?
gibutangan pa nimo syag phone kay nasakitan ka noh? u expected he'd rescue u again?

plastic lang ang lahat sayo daw.. dahil hindi ganoon kasama ang mundo. hindi nila masabi2 sayo ang katotohanan, ayaw nilang makasakit ng tao.

but u don't deserve that the truth be hidden from u.. most psychologically impaired people don't. they usually tend to create images of themselves in their mind and act it out. hahahahahha.... and lies will be lies.

she called me a witch. hahaha. i love being the witch. that's why on costume parties i usually dress as one. wow. if i was no ordinary human being, i'd probably be the one flying on a broom above you and laughing at u "HIHIHIHIIHIH".

but then, what can u do really? WHEN IN THIS STORY, i'm the princess. i'm ison's princess.

and if there was indeed a villain to this, it wouldn't be you. You'ld probably just be one of her ugly minions.

i love my ison so much.
he is my knight in shining armor. and he makes me the happiest in the world.

^^
hihihihihi....
no matter what happens, bisag unsa pa na ang iyang buhaton para mutry ug destroy sa akong life, it does not really matter. ison will still be here. ^^ hihihi and all the people who matter to me know the truth.

and you know what was most funny? nagpalaban sya sa langit. hahahahha
i thought when you trashtalk someone, you're more for the devil. when you threaten to tell everyone lies about a person so they would think she's that kind of person, it's for the devil sad? hmmmm... u don't call God when you're losing the hell you've dug out for yourself.

but i guess it's like that. when you're running out of options and u know you've lost, you scream to heaven for help. and you ask karma to do what it's supposed to do? or ala sya kabaw unsa na ang KARMA? ang dumura nga naman sa langit.. tsktsk.

i don't start fights. but if u mess with me first, start to pray. you don't fight a war with someone who has way higher IQ than yours. they never fight if they know they're going to lose.

magpray daw sya rosaryo para namo. OMG. hmmmmm... i wonder, i mean if she has to relearn words everyday (because the only ones she knows are PAMALIKAS), kagrabe nga sakripisyo... ^^ hhahahahah iggunit niya basin mukirig sya. hahahahah ug ang mugawas dili prayers kundi PAMALIKAS napud. as usual. naa bay nausab? hahahahha

mangatawa nalang ta. ahhahahha...
humanon na ni nako nga "angry" phase. kay saon nalang.... :) hhihihihihi..

"what other people think of u is none of ur business".
and labaw na if ala ka kaila nila! hahahah ipagkalat nalang niya, sa mga tawo pa nga walay labot sa akong kinabuhi. hahahhaha!!!

the call

2009-05-11T13:10:00.005+08:00

well, we tried to call her. and guess what? she did not even answer the phone. scared sya?

hmmmm.... and ison texted her. to get out of our lives. she is not important. nireply pa naman? niingon pa na she was happy daw and peaceful iyang life? hahahaha until i came? hahahahah

HAHAHAHHAHAAHAH
she says di sad daw ko important. and her life went down the drain when i came. because i got ison. she has no one. she failed to graduate.

she has no real friends because no one really likes a trashtalking scandalous bitch.

what a pity. kawawa naman.
maayu nalang ala sya kadungog na si ison muingon jud niya.

di sad daw ko importante. hahahah and kanus-a man ko gadahum importante ko niya? si ison ra ang gistoryaan. ison finds me important. and that's all that matters!

hahahaha.... ako ra iyang giproblema. SI ISON UG AKO ang gaingon DILI sya importante sa among kinabuhi. and that is what eats at her.

because ison was the only real friend she's had. SI ISON RA ANG TAWO NAKAANTOS NIA. UG BISAN UNSA KADUGAY NILA KUYOG, HE COULD NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH THE UGLINESS IN HER HEART.

hahahahha and she hates me because i was the one who swept his heart away.

and according to ison. nganong adto man sya niya? when he's already found the best for him in me?

BLEH. mamatay ka sa inggit day.
kabaw naka asa ka gabarog? unsay imong ingon na "ending everything between us" sa imong text ni ison? there was nothing between u! u CALL PITY as PITY. not as friendship. or any other relationship..

tsktsk.
ahahhahaha HALA! SA IMONG DAMGO ang EVERYTHING between u! sakit ang giingon ni ison no? gaexpect ka? HALA! GAEXPECT BA NAMAN NGA LABANAN!

hahahhahahahha
HAHAHA

ang baga ug nawong

2009-05-11T08:48:00.004+08:00

ang baga ug nawong. bow.

nireply pa sya?
hahahahahahha
ug kataw-anan kaayu kay ala nako nacopy paste kay nasayup ko... nacopy nako, ala nako napaste! hahahahha kita ta mo nga naghinilas sya. gitawag ko ug HILAS. sya pa ang nasuko. tsktsktsk.. nagpadefend sya ni ison.

KAWAWA NAMAN.

mao ni akong reply niya.

HILAS

kung di ka bogo

is defined as someone who acts as if SHE HAS THE RIGHT WHEN SHE DOES NOT

and ison is nice. that is why he won't say the truth to u nik. he DOES NOT LIKE U. he stuck with u because HE PITIED U! kaluoy ra to kay maglisud kag PANGITA UG TAWO MURESPETO KANIMO!

ARI DIRI! UG STORYA TA! IPAKITA NAKO NIMO ANG TINUOD NGA FEELINGS NI ISON!

ug kataw-anan kaayu ka sa imong gidefend karon!

IKAW ANG HILAS! PAKAUWAW DIHA OI!

bisag makigstorya pa ka niya karon. tan-awa ASA KA GABAROG DAY!

TAN-AWA KINSA KA SA IYANG KINABUHI, U ARE A NOBODY HE TOOK PITY ON. BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE, I REPEAT, NO ONE ELSE, would take you SERIOUSLY.

BECAUSE obviously. u don't deserve ANY RESPECT!

UG AKO ANG GAGUNIT SA PHONE NI ISON DAY

FOR YOUR INFO, DIALLED CALLS IS DIFFERENT FROM MISSED CALLS AND RECEIVED CALLS.

or don't u know the difference? bastos naka ug baba! bastos pa ka ug batasan!

wala kay katungod.
know where u stand!

AND LIVE WITH IT. kung ako mangasaba because u are disturbing our sleep,. it's my RIGHT. not yours! AND U HAVE NO RIGHT OVER US!

i speak for ison, because i am not as nice as he is to not tell u what u really need to know, GET OUTNOF OURN LIVES. AND GO SCREW SOMEBODY ELSE!

hahahahhahahahah
ison and i can only laugh at how pitiful u are.

gitawgan ka ni ison, dili tungod kay NIAPAS SYA NIMO

mubayad sya sa 200 nga iyang utang! para finally, wala na kay TUYO PA LAIN NIYA!

KANA ANG ANGAY NIMO MADUNGGAN HARON MAKASABOT KA!

kay feel kaayu nimo IMPORTANTE KA NIYA!

U ARE NOTHING.

fighting for my man.

2009-05-10T23:04:00.004+08:00

i want you to come here and talk.

u have just shown what kind of a woman u really are. old? tan-awa sa samin day kinsa ang mas tiguwang nato.

let's talk this over with chrisson in our midst. and u listen! tanan nga imong gipost kang orine suwayi jud ug buhat ha? ug tan-awa kinsa natong duha ang WALAY KATUNGOD!

who, in their right mind, would not be mad if someone trashtalks them? i have accepted u as my friend. and i have allowed u to steal chrisson's time. and what did u do? gibadlong taka kay kadlawon na ug sayu pa ang klase ni chrisson, and imo ko pamalikasan? i am an educated person, unlike YOU, because from what u have been showing here, u have not learned anything over the years!

bugnuon ko nimo? ali ug ipakita diri sa tanan, atubangan ni orine, ni alson, ni bryan, ni kevin ug ni chrisson, kung unsa jud ka nga klase nga babae. tan-awa knsa nato ang mauna ug katumba. ako palahilak ko, pero i know what i'm doing is right.

or are u just "all talk"? wala kay katungod nga ingon anaon bisan kinsa. not everyone bends over to you NIK. u are A NOBODY. A NOBODY. u talk trash, and the only insult u can give me are "yawa, pisti, atay".. because that's all you know.

are u that desperate to have ison back? ipagkalat nimo diri sa friendster nga ingon ana ka kaskandalosa? i have shown u patience beyond my imagination because u had once been my friend, all you did was pay it with this. U ARE INDEED A NOBODY. that is why u try so much to steal attention from everyone.

let's talk in person. and i am sending u this message as an invitation to talk professionally. tiguwang naman kaha ko? y don't u ask everyone else for their opinion how old u really look?

i will see u soon. and if tarong ka nga tawo, iexplain nako ug maayu ang tanan nga imong gipangpost ha?

or akong panan-aw nimo musamot kaubos. angay ra tingai ka yatakyatakan.

& f ur suddenly having amnesia, here's ur post about me.. so everyone knows.

>
giatay bayot. PESTI ANG TIGUWANG NA KIM GIATAY PERAGABA HELAS KAU TIGUWANGA NAG SOKO2 KAY NAG CHAT MI ISON? HOI PISTI XIA EGNA XIA HA WLA KO MAHADLUK NYA GIATAY XIA BOGNOON KUNANG ANIMALA NA! GIATAY XIA WLA XIAY LABOT OG MAG CHAT MI ISON. KINSA MANA XIA? ATAY GYUD ORINE WLA NAKU ERASE-SA IYA TXT BAGAAG NAWUNG SA GIATAY.

SOKO XIA KAY GIATAY ATAY NKU XIA BEFORE? KAY NGANU..? HELAS MAN KAU XIA MKA TXT DLI NKU MUTXT DAW KA ISON. GIATAY! AWA LANG JUD BAYOT.. MAGKITA PAMI PISTI XIA YAWA GIATAY!!! EGNA NANG ANIMAL HA! LULU NYA!!!!
>

kinsay tarong nga tawo ang musugot pamalikasan?

i could insult u in soooo many ways.. but u just sound so desperate.. it's a pity.

You are d one who IS OUT OF PLACE. & that is what kills u so much.

it's tad an inanity for me to stoop as low as u. you are not even worth the time.

ison and i can only laugh at u now. i hope u find your happiness. u don't deserve it. but i'm not as mean as u.

hahhahahahahahah

PS

U WERE JUST HIS FRIEND. I AM HIS FIANCE.

know where u stand.
and live with it.
hahahaha

154 beats/minute

2009-05-05T00:02:00.003+08:00

so what is it about 154 beats/minute?

i can't tell you yet.
but i have a feeling this is going to be the most wonderful thing that happened to me. ^^

i can't make you love me.

2009-04-30T23:54:00.006+08:00

aiza. waterfront pagcor cebu. 9-10pm.

i just love this song.

05 I Cant Make You Love Me.wma - Aiza Seguerra

Turn down the lights,
turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me,
tell me no lies
Just hold me close,
dont patronize - dont patronize me

Chorus:
cause I cant make you love me if you dont
You cant make your heart feel something it wont
Here in the dark,
in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and Ill feel the power
But you wont,
no you wont
cause I cant make you love me,
if you dont

Ill close my eyes,
then I wont see
The love you dont feel when youre holding me
Morning will come and Ill do whats right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

Chorus:
cause I cant make you love me if you dont
You cant make your heart feel something it wont
Here in the dark,
in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and Ill feel the power
But you wont, no you wont
cause I cant make you love me,
if you dont

update

2009-04-20T10:04:00.004+08:00

Whew!

It's been long since i last updated my blog with words of my own...

So what's going on recently? I've been busy. Hahahaha...

No, the truth is, I'm just madly in love. And time for other stuff like this seems to have gotten lost somewhere between the hugs and the kisses... So why am i updating?

I was reading an article on love today... something i found as a text document sa My Documents sa akong PC. I have no idea how it got here. It's a talk about how love comes and goes.... and I found a line I really liked...

"...the secret of love is that it is a gift, and that it can be made to grow only by giving it away."

I think that is true. Only by giving love away can it grow more and more. When love usually starts, it fills to overflowing. And then it cools. It recedes. It grows only when you give it away. When at this stage, it is not to be sought. It is generated.

You are made complete by love when you give it away.

God has given me a blessing this month.
I bet this is one way our love is made to grow. And I am very happy.

Perhaps if we waited two years from now, life may take on a different path, and things might have been different. I would not want that. I want this one to be the last one. The one I will say my I Do's to..

God loves me so much. I know for sure. All this time, I have failed to see the plans He had for me. But when I asked for this blessing, He gave it to me right away, at a time when I thought it was close to impossible. This must be the right time for it. ^^

and I am very happy...
I will tell you the details when the time comes.
But as of now, let's lie low. ^^ and just be in love. ahhahahahahha

what every woman should know.

2009-04-17T03:01:00.002+08:00

Every woman should know:

1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.

2. How you feel about having kids.

3. How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.

4. When to try harder and when to walk away.

5. How to kiss a man in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.

6. How to have a good time at a party you’d never choose to attend.

7. How to ask for what you want in a way that makes it most likely you’ll get it.

8. That you can’t change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents.

9. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.

10. What you and wouldn’t do for love or money.

11. How to live alone, even if you don’t like it.

12. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally.

13. How to love imperfectly..

FAIR

2009-04-01T16:58:00.003+08:00

When I created the heavens and the earth, I spoke them into being.
When I created man, I formed him and breathed life into his nostrils.
But you, woman, I fashioned after I breathed the breath of life into
man because your nostrils are too delicate.

I allowed a deep sleep to come over him so I could patiently and
perfectly fashion you. Man was put to sleep so that he could not
interfere with the creativity. From one bone, I fashioned you. I chose
the bone that protects man's life. I chose the rib, which protects
his heart and lungs and supports him, as you are meant to do.

Around this one bone, I shaped you....... I modeled you. I created you
perfectly and beautifully. Your characteristics are as the rib, strong
yet delicate and fragile. You provide protection for the most delicate
organ in man, his heart. His heart is the center of his being; his lungs
hold the breath of life. The ribcage will allow itself to be broken
before it will allow damage to the heart. Support man as the rib cage
supports the body.

You were not taken from his feet, to be under him, nor were you taken
from his head, to be above him. You were taken from his side, to stand
beside him and be held close to his side.

You are my perfect angel.....You are my beautiful little girl. You have
grown to be a splendid woman of excellence, and my eyes fill when I see
the virtues in your heart. Your eyes......don't change them. Your lips,
how lovely when they part in prayer. Your nose, so perfect in form. Your
hands so gentle to touch. I've caressed your face in your deepest sleep.
I've held your heart close to mine. Of all that lives and breathes,
you are most like me.

Adam walked with me in the cool of the day, yet he was lonely. He could
not See me or touch me. He could only feel me. So everything I wanted
Adam to share and experience with me, I fashioned in you; my holiness,
my Strength, my purity, my love, my protection and support.

You are special because you are an extension of me. Man represents my
image, woman my emotions. Together, you represent the totality of God.

So man......treat woman well.

Love her, respect her, for she is fragile. In hurting her, you hurt me.

What you do to her, you do to me. In crushing her, you only damage your
own heart, the heart of your Father, and the heart of her Father. Woman,
support man. In humility, show him the power of emotion I have given you.

In gentle quietness, show your strength. In love, show him that you are
the rib that protects his inner self.

Did you not know that WOMAN is special in God's eyes?

quote

2009-03-31T03:54:00.004+08:00

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the self-same well from which your laughter rises was often-times filled with your tears.
-Kahlil Gibran

but i'm finally happy now.
:)

"now anyone who's felt the touch of heaven in their lives,
will know the way i'm feeling looking in my baby's eyes....
that's why i can't bear to be too far away..

i know that God must love me coz
He sent you to me."

lines

2009-02-27T12:58:00.003+08:00

i was reading emails and blogs today.
and i found a line i really like. hmmmmmm

"Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity. And some ask ourselves: Will our actions echo across the centuries?

Will strangers hear our names long after we are gone, and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved?"

and i can't help but smile.
i wonder.
we all need to leave something behind when we're finally gone.
in our soul of souls, in our heart of hearts, we know that we long to be remembered long after we are gone. it's the only way we get to believe that our life is not just some passing breeze.

...that we are not living, just because we have to.

we want to believe that we are watched... so that even after we're gone, we remain... be it in someone's memory, or in somebody's heart.

i wonder.
what would i like to be remembered for?

hmmmm.
and i'm smiling now because i think i know my answer to that question.

what's yours?

quiz quiz quiz

2009-02-25T17:31:00.004+08:00

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx
i found this test on one of my friend's facebook notes. and i don't really know whether i agree with everything written here. :) hahahhaha but i think, hmmmm, 2, 3, 6, 7, 8 and 9 are right on the dot. ^^

1 Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

2 The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

3 Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you meet that person.

4 The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

5 Your views on education

Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

6 The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

7 How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

8 What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

9 Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

reposting the mp3 playlist game.

2009-02-22T16:06:00.003+08:00

i got this from Kai, i just thought it would be fun... so ewan, just played my normal playlist... sa unsay mugawas ^^

**************************************************

RULES:

1. Put your MP3 player, iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.

2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.

4. Tag at least 10 friends.

5. Everyone tagged has to do the same thing.

6. Have Fun!

**************************************************

IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY? UNBREAKABLE

yes i am. i know i am. BLEH!!!!

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF? I DO

simang nga tubag. i feel like my usual self. :p

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY? I ALWAYS WILL

hmmmm... i always will like everything in a guy? way clear... ahahah

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? BEAUTIFUL IN MY EYES

walang palag!!

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE? ALL OR NOTHING

i believe this is true. give it my all. or give nothing at all.

WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO? TONIGHT

tonight... ahahahhha anong mangyayari tonight???

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? NEVER IS A PROMISE

i love this song. no comment.

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? COMFORT IN YOUR STRANGENESS

comforting ang akong pagkaweird.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? WHEN I FALL IN LOVE

ahhahah. tumpak. right on the dot. every night.

WHAT IS 2 + 2? ANYTHING BUT ORDINARY

mao..

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND? GOTTA BE SOMEBODY

there's gotta be someone there who's my bestfriend.. hahahaha

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? WHAT DO THEY KNOW

really what does anyone know? they don't know a thing.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? ONLY ME AND YOU

me being with the one i love. hmmmm

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE? DON'T YOU LET GO OF ME

the song is playing sa previous post. this is a song for my ison.

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? THE LONELY ONE

batia oie. hahahahha.. wedding gani. lonely one ka dyan.

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? THE MAN WHO CAN'T BE MOVED

i am the girl who cannot be moved. ^^

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? I LOVE YOU

loving.. mwahmwahmwah....

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR? THINGS I'LL NEVER SAY

secret. :p

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET? TONGUE TIED

di mugawas jud. secret lagi.

WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW? INSOMNIA

ako ang tawo nga di ganahan matulog. hahahah

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? I WANNA GROW OLD WITH YOU

uhhuh friendship lasts forever. :p hangtod maniguwang.

over the edge

2009-02-18T15:34:00.013+08:00

i am, at present, falling down.

i finally understood that i, sometime before last night, had fallen over the precipice i promised never to fall into again.

i did not know.

but after last night, i realized i had already let go and jumped without meaning to. i thought i was just leaning over the edge and looking down.. checking to see if it was safer this time.

but i already jumped.
it's already starting to hurt.

sigh.
..to feel so much that it already starts to hurt.
and i am petrified.

i think i know what's going to happen to me when i reach the bottom. and i think i know how sad, how crazy, and how painful it will be.

but faith. faith.

he said he's going to break my fall.
faith. faith.

i jumped and believed... scared to death, but did anyhow.

this would be worth it. this one is worth taking that risk. my heart somehow knows it would be.

so it's faith, he says. i just need to have faith.
to just confidently believe that when i do reach the bottom, he'll be there like he said he would.

and my happily-ever-after comes true.

Dont you let go of me - Ilse De Lange

No solid ground, no relief to be found
No promises, no demands, no depending
Silence, no rules, no bending
No mystery
There's only you

I live inside an empty room that's now inside my head
And everywhere and all around, only your arms that I feel
Don't you let go of me

No comfort, no words and no ending
Solitude, I am tired of pretending
Still There's only you

I live inside an empty room that's now inside my head
And everywhere and all around, only your arms that I feel
Don't you let go of me
The ceiling high, the walls are wide, no floor beneath my feet
Nowhere to go, nowhere to be and you're still all that I see
Don't you let go of me

Be quiet, maybe you can hear my heart
Be quiet, maybe you won't break me apart
It's all down to you
It's all down to you
It's all down to you
It's all down to you
It's all down to you

I live inside an empty room that's now inside my head
And everywhere and all around, only your arms that I feel
Don't you let go of me
The ceiling high, the walls are wide, no floor beneath my feet
Nowhere to go, nowhere to be and you're still all that I see
Don't you let go of me

You're still all that I need
Don't you let go of me

do i miss deanne?

2009-02-16T17:44:00.006+08:00

hahahaha...
good entry.. as requested by my dear sister, write more often ka diay ha?? hahahahhaha!!! :D

hmmmm.... i don't know. i guess not.
are u mad now yan???
hahaha kidding. ^^

in a way, i could say yes. i wouldn't be able to see her whenever i want to now. wala sya sa elizabeth pond. wala pud sya sa it park. but missing her so much? i guess not.

it's like, when she left for bulgaria, there was a tinge of sadness there for not having her here anymore. but days have passed, and i guess i do not feel like she is gone at all. it's not just because we can communicate over ym everyday, or i know what's happening with her life still over her blog.

but i think that.... when you love someone as much as i love my sister deanne, you'll realize that no matter how far that person may go, may it be on the other side of the world, she will always, always be with you.

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

and whatever happens... wherever deanne may be, she will always be a part of me. and i know that i, and all the rest of us, will always be a part of her.

that is a bond, not distance nor time, could ever break.

i love yah yan. mwahmwahmmmmwaaaahhh!!!! tsup ^^

speak to me of love

2009-02-11T17:14:00.004+08:00

i found a chapter of one of kahlil gibran's books. this one is all about love. hmmmm...

And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

girl. girl. girl. woman.

2009-02-06T17:51:00.001+08:00

She can kill with a smile
She can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child,
But she's always a woman to me

She can lead you to love
She can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth
But she'll never believe
And she'll take what you give her, as long as it's free
Yeah, she steals like a thief
But she's always a woman to me

Oh--she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh--and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

And she'll promise you more
Than the Garden of Eden
Then she'll carelessly cut you
And laugh while you're bleedin'
But she'll bring out the best
And the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself
Cause she's always a woman to me

Oh--she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh--and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

She is frequently kind
And she's suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases
She's nobody's fool
And she can't be convicted
She's earned her degree
And the most she will do
Is throw shadows at you
But she's always a woman to me

Which SuperVillain Am I?

2009-01-06T17:36:00.008+08:00

Your results:
You are Dark Phoenix

Dark Phoenix 76%
Apocalypse 64%
Two-Face 63%
The Joker 62%
Dr. Doom 62%
Juggernaut 59%
Mystique 59%
Poison Ivy 58%
Catwoman 54%
Magneto 53%
Venom 51%
Green Goblin 51%
Lex Luthor 49%
Mr. Freeze 47%
Riddler 37%
Kingpin 31%

A prime example of emotional extremes: Passion and fury incarnate.

Click here to take the "Which Super Villain am I?" quiz...

hahahahha!!! does she look like me? weeee.. if i was a supervillain, i think it would be cool to look like this. ^^

westlife compilation

2009-01-01T21:15:00.007+08:00

finally!!!

bwahahaahah!!
muhahahahaha!!!

i've finally finished my compilation. and i believe it's complete. :) hopefully...

i do lack some versions though, like other mixes of a song and so on... but one copy of the song is enough for me. how did i do the compiling all in all?

well, first i gathered all of the albums i had. i think i have 6 of em, and i lacked the other 3 and single releases... I ripped them to mp3 copies. And I downloaded over torrent all the albums i lacked.

I went to the website to check out every release they've had since 1998. Well, releases in other countries had other bonus songs. so I made copies of the bonus songs... recorded some, downloaded some. I also recorded the songs they've done in single releases which they didn't include in their albums. ^^

And also since in single releases, they have mixes, I left out the mixes I didn't already have, and instead gathered unreleased songs they made. I found many, including some songs they've done with other artists. ^^

finally!! muhahaha!!!
i'm proud of myself.
my last two days of 2008 were worth it.
:p
snipped this from their "allow us to be frank" album. and edited the picture online..

love is infinite

2008-12-31T00:32:00.015+08:00

i had been thinking a lot about love lately.

i always believed that one cannot give what he does not have. i told myself that i can only give love that amounts to whatever love i am given. and so it went like that for a very long time. whatever love i had ever since i came into the world, i gave it all to someone... overflowing or not, i believed it was all i had. and when he left me, well, you could say, i lost my sanity for a moment there.

and to anyone that followed, i gave pieces of whatever i had left and whatever i've been offered each single day. but did i, really? because now that i think about it, i think i gave more.

how would that be possible? one cannot offer more of something he does not have.
where did i get all that love?
and BANG, it hit me...
i forgot my God's love for me.

after careful thought and a lot of sorrys in between, i now say love is different. because i can always make more when i need it.
i now remember that i have been loved immeasurably, unendingly, and a lot lot more than i could imagine.

love is infinite.
love is infinite.
love is infinite.

i cannot measure the amount of it i give or the amount of it i am given. and i was wrong to ever think of it that way. i can never measure God's love... and i will never be able to compare to how much of it He gives me.
and whatever love i gave was only a miniscule part of all that. and i laugh at myself for believing i had nothing left. i've forgotten that that would never happen.

hihihihihi. weeeeeeeeeee and u wonder why i'm writing this. hmmmmm...
this is for everyone. so they can understand why it is as it is so. ^^

i am loved infinitely... and that is more than enough to see myself through.

for eusie
(i remembered you when i wrote down the last sentence... kalit lang. i dunno why.)
i hope i got to tell you the lines i wrote in bold. i was never able to. and i would never know if it would be able to change anything at all. actually i hope i did a lot lot more even.
but still, wherever you are now, i hope you know. and i hope you're finally better.
my prayers tonight are for you.

love

2008-12-19T11:53:00.001+08:00

The Supremacy of Love

1If I speak in the languages of humans and angels but have no love, I have become a reverberating gong or a clashing cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can understand all secrets and every form of knowledge, and if I have absolute faith so as to move mountains but have no love, I am nothing. 3Even if I give away everything that I have and sacrifice myself, but have no love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is always patient;13

love is always kind;

love is never envious

or arrogant with pride.

Nor is she conceited,

5 and she is never rude;

she never thinks just of herself

or ever get annoyed.

She never is resentful;

6 is never glad with sin,

but always glad to side with truth,

whene'er the truth should win.[b]

7 She bears up under everything,

believes the best in all,

there is no limit to her hope,

and she will never fall.

8Love never fails. Now if there are prophecies, they will be done away with. If there are languages, they will cease. If there is knowledge, it will be done away with. 9For what we know is incomplete and what we prophesy is incomplete. 10But when what is complete comes, then what is incomplete will be done away with.

11When I was a child, I spoke like a child, thought like a child, and reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up my childish ways. 12Now we see only an indistinct image in a mirror, but then we will be face to face. Now what I know is incomplete, but then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13Right now three things remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.

trust

2008-12-11T21:34:00.005+08:00

trust.

it's a difficult word.
i never knew what it meant really... until i felt it. until i gave mine.

when you break a heart that trusts you, does the trust ever grow back? i guess not.
mine never did.

but i'd like to again. i'd like to find someone i could trust my entire life on. and i'd like to find someone who would trust me too.. who would say that no matter what happens, he'll believe in me even if no one else in the world does...

i guess i would never outrun the part where i lost my trust in the one i had depended my entire life on. it's the part where i got hurt... where i lost myself... where i lost track of who i believed myself to be.. i would like to run away from that part. and never look back..
if i could only find that someone who would believe in me again... just so i can believe in myself again.

but that would never happen.
because whoever i was will always be part of who i am now.
the past will always creep back in... it haunts you like dreams in the night. you forget it the morning you wake up. and the next time you sleep, the nightmares come.

and you learn to live with it for the rest of your life.

my christmas gift for myself

2008-12-11T16:00:00.004+08:00

I know what my christmas gift for myself is.

It's going to be Milky. hahahaha i'm gonna rename her heartbreakR_II or something like that...
I'm buying her the face and hair heartbreakR used to have. And I'll love her just as much.
Hmmm I know I won't be able to spend so much time on her like I did with heartbreakR since I'm gonna be really busy. But I'll love her just the same.
Hihihihihihihih...

heartbreakR's gonna be reincarnated. :)

Tonight I Can Write --Pablo Neruda

2008-12-07T15:58:00.004+08:00

and i just felt like making everyone else cry by posting this poem..

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example, 'The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.'
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.
This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

today is one of my saddest days.

my bestfriend

2008-12-07T15:30:00.006+08:00

i'm crying again.

today i lost my bestfriend.
i'm sorry for the pain. i'm sorry. if i could only blow it all away like i used to. if only..
but i can't. it just won't be that easy.
i'm sorry.
i am hurting. i am hurting because i made you cry. i made you beg. i made you so sad. i am so sorry. i am sorry. i am sorry.

i'm still here, you know? i'm not going anywhere. so one day, if in case u need a friend, u'd know where to find me. take care.

how to say it

2008-12-07T11:07:00.013+08:00

last night was fun deanne... hahahahha im leaving it up to you to blog about it. i hope you didn't get late for the charity thingy. :) so dearie and cora, sunod na sad. :) mwahmwahmwah i love you guys.

i wanted to blog about what happened but there are just some things i'd like to say to someone and i think it is better that i write about this first.

i don't know what to say. i don't know how to say it exactly so you wouldn't feel like i don't care anymore.

i would want to write back, and tell you how i feel. but a personal email would not work for me. i would not know where to start. i bet you're not expecting a reply either so i did not force myself to write you one. it's better that i write what i feel here. i never expected you read my blog.

i write it here because i want my friends to know that i'm not as helpless as i once had been...

that's really sweet.

it is.

to talk about what you feel. and to read that you still love me.

but while reading it, i can only smile so sadly.
i'm sorry i did not tell you. i'm sorry that it had to come to this.

but "what happens once will not happen again. what happens twice would surely happen a third time." and you said so yourself, without trust, love cannot be love. one cannot love without trust. and i don't think i can ever trust you again to take care of this heart. you've stepped on it countless times. i gave you chances to prove yourself, like the many chances you, too, had given me. but let's face it. we both screwed up.

i failed you.
and
well...

you disappointed me...
too many times.

we're not meant for each other. deep down you know that. perhaps what you feel right now is just the fear that you're losing me. but you aren't going to lose me. i'll always be here for you like i said i would. i care for you. and you will always be my friend.

but i'd like to find the one that i am meant for now... that someone who would understand my childish ways... that someone who would hug me when i cry... that someone who would run after me when i walk out... that someone who'd accept me for who i am.. that someone who would be willing to marry me and be with me forever.

and you see? that someone isn't you. you scold me all the time for being childish. you hate it when i want to cuddle. you call me overacting when i cry. you turn your back on me when i walk out. you don't care when i pout. you say you only love me today. hahahhaha... actually, you never say you love me. it's so hard for you to say that. you had hurt me too much, don't you see?

the night when i begged you to "just love me again", i felt you had literally taken my heart out and torn it to pieces. i told you how cruel you are. and how bad a person you are.. and how much i hate it that you just don't care. that was the last time you hurt me. that was the last time i'll ever allow you to hurt me. after all my anger and frustration, i think my last message was.."don't worry. maybe tomorrow will be day i realize you're not worth this at all." and it came true.

something in me died that night. you forced it to.

people change. they don't change back.
it's just the way the world works. and you won't change back. if you did, then i hope you can even be more sweeter with the one meant for you. you'll find the one meant for you, i know. i could say i wish it was me... but.... some things are just too late. i have changed. and i'm not changing back.
i'll keep praying you find the one who would love you the way i wished i could have.

i hope during this time that we're apart, you'll be able to think clearly. and maybe when you come back, we'll be better... better friends than we ever were. i'm sorry about this. i'm so sorry. i wish i could take away all your confusion. and be happy for me. like the kind of friend i always knew you are.

and yeah, what you're feeling is just part of the breakup. and like you said, it will pass. i know you'll be better. we both know that. i'm sorry if daghan ko'g gistorya and wala ra jud to labot ta sa imong giemail. but i also needed you to know.

and about your favor... i don't know what to say, i would want to say yes. but it wasn't me who closed the door. you did. and i feel it is locked forever.

i am better now. what we have now is better. this friendship would last for always. we'll do it right this time. and we'll just forget we ever crossed that line.

we're better now.
i know you believe that, too.
i know you know that.

>sigh<
i hate sad endings.

in loving memory of my heartbreakR

2008-12-05T12:42:00.011+08:00

and f**k anyone who reacts.
i don't give a sh**.

(-_-,)

i loved her.

You had saved me at a time when i thought all was lost. I will never forget the long nights and the hard days we had spent together. I know no one else would be able to understand why i loved you like you were real.. you are only an inanimate character after all.

But you're much real than most of the people i know. I had always believed that you would never leave, unlike anyone else in the world. and that, whatever happens, I would always be able to call you mine.

But you're gone now. I might never know who had the guts to delete you and take you out of my life.. Chances are, I might never be able to avenge you. But you know if I could, I would.

And today, i am forced to accept that you're gone and never will be back.. And so i'm letting you go. As much as it hurts, i have to.

But lost love is still love after all. It just takes on a different form, that's all. Your memories will always stay.

You broke my heart today. :)
You lived up to your name. And I'm proud of you.

I never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
And ill come home and I miss your face so
Smiling down on me
I close my eyes to see

e-games' reply. BULLSHIT.

2008-12-05T00:16:00.009+08:00

THIS IS BULL.....

Hello E-GAMER,

Thank you for writing to E-GAMES HELPDESK, this is Chel assisting you.

Regarding your concern , we regret to inform you that there are no character restoration and no compensation rule on CABAL Online PH. These game policies are made by E-Games Management. For more information on CABAL Online Game Policies, you may visit this link (http://cabal.e-games.com.ph/disclaimer.php).

To check out additional Account Security Tips, please visit the Account Security Section of our Community Forums.

We at e-Games always welcome your inquiry, comment and feedback.

If you have any other concerns, feel free to email us again or call our Helpdesk Hotline (02)4902888; for loyalty card holders, call our e-Games VIP Hotline (02)4902505.

Sincerely,

Chel

E-GAMES HELPDESK TEAM

NOTE: e-Games will NEVER ask for your password!

Protect your account by NEVER giving out your log-in name and password to anyone!

SHIT.

heartbreakR

2008-12-04T10:39:00.006+08:00

i'd like to write her a eulogy because today it feels as if she had died. But I'm not giving her up just yet.

somebody deleted her from my Cabal account.
She had been my life for the past 6 months, and only the most cruel of hearts could do such a thing.
I already filed a report about the case. And I pray they'd tell me I can get her back. I could never let her go.

Never.

There are only four people in the world who know my password. And I doubt they would ever do that to me. They know how precious she is. And how special she is in my life.

But if I do find out who hacked my account and took her out of my life, that person should better start hiding. And then start praying.

when someone asked

2008-12-03T16:49:00.005+08:00

"are you inlove?"

somebody asked me.
and i just smiled. i guess if you try to understand me in the many ways i now look at life, you would say i'm more than inlove. :)

i found someone i truly care about. and as of now (i'm sorry hahaha can't tell you), i have to keep him a secret. i know i may be wrong and it isn't really time for us anyway, so i have to keep this classified until that day. i hope we both could wait no matter how long it takes. ^^

but it's not just about this particular guy really.

it's about the thought that unlike all the rest of em who came after ronron, there was no pain nor insecurities this time. there were no doubts nor questions. there was only me trusting myself that i could do it right this time...

it's about me falling in love with life all over again.
it's about me hearing masses again.
it's about me smiling without that sting in my heart again.
it's about me going back to the start, before the pain began.

yes, i am in-love...
with myself, with my God, with the world, and with him. ^^

looking through your eyes

2008-12-03T13:02:00.007+08:00

Here in the night
I see the sun
Here in the dark
Our two hearts are one
It's out of our hands
We can't stop what we have begun
And love just took me by surprise
Looking through your eyes

i think i'm better. :)

Looking Through Your Eyes - Leann Rimes

wishful thinking

2008-12-01T16:31:00.002+08:00

wishful thinking...

but uhm... i think i already found the man i'm going to marry. =)

and hopefully, this time, i got it right.

The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test

2008-11-30T22:29:00.004+08:00

Pure Nerd

74 % Nerd, 39% Geek, 48% Dork

For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.
You scored better than half in Nerd, earning you the title of: Pure Nerd.

The times, they are a-changing. It used to be that being exceptionally smart led to being unpopular, which would ultimately lead to picking up all of the traits and tendences associated with the "dork." No-longer. Being smart isn't as socially crippling as it once was, and even more so as you get older: eventually being a Pure Nerd will likely be replaced with the following label: Purely Successful.

Congratulations!

listing the things i'm afraid of

2008-11-29T15:20:00.003+08:00

Walay lingaw. And i had lots of bad dreams last night. It must be from the stupid hotel626.com game. You should go try it out if you don't have a weak heart. It's open 6pm to 6am anytime. Just make sure you have someone with you while you play it. Turn off the lights and turn up the sounds a bit higher.

I thought i forgot it later last night, but subconsciously (like some people here in the department who also had bad dreams), those thoughts just won't go away.

These are the things I'm afraid of

Losing someone I love
Having a nightmare and waking up only to find out it's real
My upcoming graduate thesis
Being unloved and uncared for
Finding out that whatever it is I'm fighting for isn't just worth it at all
Not being forgiven for the stupid things I had done
Marking myself as "dumb"
Failing an important test
Not being accepted for who I am
Losing faith in God
Having someone disappoint me
Having to disappoint someone

List to be updated.. hahahah.. gotta get back to class.

No Time No Time

2008-11-21T09:57:00.007+08:00

"i have no time to change", i said today. but the world asks me to.
and i tell it, "i have no time to change."

i'm plotting down a schedule good enough for me. i think if i manage it, i'll be fine. but then.... but then.... (this is for you, if you know who you are.), i'd probably have no time for you. i am scared. i'm scared of all the things i need to do. and i might fail... i do not want to try and fail. i don't think my heart can take it.

and i hope you understand. give me a few years for this, and then maybe i can start thinking about us. it's not yet time anyway. i've been from major breakups lately. and maybe, maybe, changing this lifestyle would help me heal and be ready for you... if you could wait that long. we can stay the way we are for the mean time. and please don't ask me to rush.

i hope you can hold it in for the moment. i just have no time.

the 4-variable iq test

2008-11-19T17:26:00.003+08:00

Mathematical ---hmmmm i think i expected this. but grabe sad. all the rest kay less than 25% ra? kafaet.

20% interpersonal, 5% visual, 15% verbal and 60% mathematical!

Brother-from-another-mother! Like mine, your highest scoring intelligence is Mathematical. You thrive on logic, numbers, things representing numbers, and sets of things that are sets of other things, with numbers nowhere in sight. You probably like the online comic called XKCD, and if you don't, check it out.

You probably knew you'd score "Mathematical" as you took the test, and mathy types are usually super-high scorers on this axis, and low on the others. Why? Because you (we) yearn for math.

Anyway, your specific scores follow. On any axis, a score above 25% means you use that kind of thinking more than average, and a score below 25% means you use it less. It says nothing about cognitive skills, just your interest.

Your brain is roughly:

20% Interpersonal

5%Visual

15%Verbal

60%Mathematical

Matching Summary: Each of us has different tastes. Still, I offer the following advice to the world.

1. Don't date someone if your interpersonal percentages differ by more than 20%.

2. Don't be friends with someone if your verbal percentages differ by more than 25%.

3. Don't have sex with someone if your math scores differ by over 40%. You might kill them.

what kind of girl are you test

2008-11-19T17:16:00.002+08:00

The Liberal Beauty --not my fault yanskie.. hahahah. just bored. :p

You scored 77 looks, 70 personality, 27 politics, and 61 sex drive!

You're beautiful, you have a great personality, and youre highly sexual. You're a liberal with your views and you don't put morals before everything. You're probably a great wife or girlfriend, and you know how to make sure that the ones you love are happy. You're probably fun in a conversation and I'm sure that you are as loveable as you are beautiful.

the long scientific personality test

2008-11-19T17:13:00.002+08:00

i don't know why the hell i am a "champion".. hahahah but so far sa akong mga gipangkuha, balik2 ra ang results. tsktsk.

ENFP - The Champion

You scored 55% I to E, 11% N to S, 19% F to T, and 58% J to P!

Your type is known as the Champion type, which is part of the larger group called idealists. Nothing occurs that does not have some deep and ethical significance in your eyes. You see life as an exciting drama. You are very charismatic, yet tend to be too harsh on yourself for not being as genuine as you think you should be. 3% of the population shares your type.
As a romantic partner, you need to talk about what is going on in your life. You are a strong supporter for your partner's efforts to grow and change and be happy. You need to feel that same support from your partner. Expressive, optimistic, and curious, you are eager to enjoy new experiences with your partner, whom you wish to be your confidant and soul mate, as well as play mate. You are uncomfortable sharing negative emotion, though, and tend to withdraw from confrontation and process your feelings privately. You feel most loved when your partner appreciates your creativity, accepts your uniqueness, and sees you as the compassionate person you are. You need to hear your partner tell you how much you mean to them and would love if they did thoughtful spontaneous things to demonstrate it.

right and wrong

2008-11-18T18:32:00.003+08:00

wrong or right.

right or wrong.

there is no thin line between them. but it seems i am crossing one fine wire.
and so i'll go with the flow. and just see what happens in the end.
that's all i can do anyway. life offers you lots of chances to screw up. and whether this is one big screw up or something that could most probably be right, then i'd just have to wait and see.

hmmmmm

the quick and painless enneagram test

2008-11-16T22:33:00.008+08:00

well.... i'm in global..

the day's about to end. :)
it's my birthday today and i just felt like playing dota before it ends. hihihiih i invited shein and tantan over... but then since wala man nuon mi kontra, nagtanga nalang si tantan nagtan-aw sa lain dula ug si shein kay nagdula ug nba live. hahahahah

and well, i took this test. it just took two questions so i realize what the heck...
and here are the results.

4- the Individualist

Thanks for taking the test !

you chose BY - your Enneagram type is FOUR (aka "The Romantic")

"I am unique"

Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being a FOUR

my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
my ability to establish warm connections with people
admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
being unique and being seen as unique by others
having aesthetic sensibilities
being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being a FOUR

experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
feeling guilty when I disappoint people
feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
expecting too much from myself and life
fearing being abandoned
obsessing over resentments
longing for what I don't have

FOURs as Children Often

have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original games
are very sensitive
feel that they don't fit in
believe they are missing something that other people have
attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

FOURs as Parents

help their children become who they really are
support their children's creativity and originality
are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

THE TEST!!! for those who'd like to take it too.

when i begged

2008-11-12T09:10:00.004+08:00

i begged you to stay.

and i regret doing so. because i remembered all the times i begged everyone to not leave me behind. and i only felt less than who i really am.
i knew it would come to this. and still i begged and told you i can't take it. just so you'd know. but you're cruel. i once believed you're different. but you're not. you are not any special. because just like the rest of them, you think you grow up by getting the chance to leave people behind and having hurt them... and by getting that chance to have them beg you to stay... by believing that when love fades, it's that easy to run away from who you've once given it to.

i regretted when i begged you. because that night, when i went to the bridge and had the skies rain on me, i learned to love myself again. i'll be your friend still. and part of what we had will always remain special. but if you can change that fast, then so can i.

"anyone who does not see my worth is not worth my love."
and i say that with my sweetest smile.

dante's inferno test --> got this from chrisson

2008-11-06T19:12:00.005+08:00

ahuhuhuhu im this bad.. ahuuhhuuhuh.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!

Seventh Level of Hell

Guarded by the Minotaur, who snarls in fury, and encircled within the river Phlegethon, filled with boiling blood, is the Seventh Level of Hell. The violent, the assasins, the tyrants, and the war-mongers lament their pitiless mischiefs in the river, while centaurs armed with bows and arrows shoot those who try to escape their punishment. The stench here is overpowering. This level is also home to the wood of the suicides- stunted and gnarled trees with twisting branches and poisoned fruit. At the time of final judgement, their bodies will hang from their branches. In those branches the Harpies, foul birdlike creatures with human faces, make their nests. Beyond the wood is scorching sand where those who committed violence against God and nature are showered with flakes of fire that rain down against their naked bodies. Blasphemers and sodomites writhe in pain, their tongues more loosed to lamentation, and out of their eyes gushes forth their woe. Usurers, who followed neither nature nor art, also share company in the Seventh Level.

Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Extreme
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Extreme
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

the chess mess test --> got this from yanskie

2008-11-06T18:39:00.005+08:00

The Bishops Clerk is both an idea and people person. Everyone and everything is part of a bizarre cosmic whole. They really do want to help and be liked and admired by others. By principle they are intrigued by new ideas but ultimately discard most for one reason or another. They are zany with charm which can allow them to warm up to even the stodgy types. They are outgoing, fun, and they genuinely like people. This Clerk is warm and affectionate and spontaneous.

This Clerk can have strong, if unconventional convictions which are usually tied into their cosmic view. They will often use their social skills and contacts to persuade others gently of the rightness behind their views. They may tie themselves with trying to save the world and end up forgetting the nearest and dearest to them (if only in a temporary sense.)

People will love working with the Bishop’s Clerk because they are easygoing, pleasant and great at brainstorming. They are wonderful in groups of people but need fresh projects to work on. They dislike bureaucracy in principle and practice; they will make a point of launching crusades against some aspect of the political agenda. It is honesty they are fighting for. The Bishop’s Clerk is a type of Pawn, but fret not, the Pawn is idealized because of its potential to do many great things and to think of the rest of humanity.

called out your name

2008-10-27T13:15:00.008+08:00

i was working today and i was listening to old sad love songs. i found this really cool software that records everything that is played by your soundcard. hihihihi... and i was recording the old love songs so i'd have a copy of them.

and then.. without thinking, i sighed. buried my face in my hands and called out your name real loud.

and kristine asked, "are you okay?"

and i got back to the world and realized what i just did. and there was that sting again. i know it's better this way. and i guess this is what i needed.
but it's still sad.

I Dont Want You To Go - Kyla

a goodbye i expected

2008-10-26T13:10:00.005+08:00

it was tantan's birthday yesterday. and we didn't see each other. we haven't spent time with each other for so long now. i guess it's just the way things are. a month ago, i cried all night and didn't sleep because i told him everything i felt. and yes, he listened to what i had to say. and a month after that, nothing's changed. he still doesn't love me as much as he used to. i'm still not as important to him. there was nothing i could do.

i guess i thought this would be easier because i expected it. and i trained myself to expect it anytime soon. but i cried last night. i didn't want to. for hell, i trained myself not to. but i still did. because even with goodbyes you expect, you still feel that sting there. you get hurt just the same. it's sad that people decide to leave you behind because changes happened. his feelings changed. his lifestyle changed. he changed.

and although i could not really say this was a love i would die for, i loved him with all the love i could give now. and i have shown him how much i did care. but i guess these past two months had been different. i guess he knew im getting tired. i guess he knew that i already have the idea that he just doesn't feel the same way. he used to be so sweet and so caring. he used to run after me when i walked out. he used to panic whenever a tear falls down my eyes. he used to say i looked beautiful. he used to stare at me when we're together. and now he doesn't. and who could blame us?

he said he's sorry. and he's sorry that he's no longer the man i had loved once. he's sorry and he'll just bring over my stuff tomorrow. that was it. and i cried. and all he had to say was that i should not cry. he told me i'll be okay because i've always been stronger than what i thought myself to be. but i still cried.

because i lost someone again. and although chrisson had always been here (he's my student, and he keeps me company here in talamban) to make this easy to cope with, it's still hard because he was the only company i used to have. and now he's gone..

this is the last time.
the last time... until i learn to have that faith in this so-called love again.

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as u turned around to leave
and still I have the pain I have to carry
a past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

after all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
only in hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like is was before
but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

after all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go

after all this time
would you ever wanna leave it
maybe you could not believe it
that my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you will ever know
a part of me died when I let you go
and I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me dies when I let you go

flowers

2008-10-24T07:50:00.003+08:00

somebody sent me flowers yesterday.

okay, so if you'ld ask who it was, i can't really say. it comes from a new friend, and he included a really nice message with it. i don't really know him. and i've never seen him before. he just texted one day (actually, two days before i received the flowers) and asked if we could be friends.

it's really nice to receive flowers from someone you hardly know. it made me feel like a lil-bubbly-giggly-high school girl. hmmmmmm.... i know it's cliche. and i shouldn't be like that. i've grown too old for stuff like that. but it made me smile for a moment (before i started dwelling on pessimistic thoughts) because it reminded me of things i liked...
like the smell of rain before it comes... like running barefoot on cold grass.. and like the sweetness of young love.

and para sa mga kaguild nako nga si dilosk, kimkim ug chrisson. makakantyaw ra kog bawos ninyo. =p

it's a difficult job

2008-10-23T08:04:00.004+08:00

i never said it was easy for me to fail any of you.

and this is a difficult job. it just can't work the way you would want it to. it would be unfair. and professionality states i should not let my emotions cloud my decisions. it pains me to see you did not try hard enough to reach that passing mark.. and so i have no choice but to give you what you deserve. and it pains me to see, too, that u did try, but did not make it still.

as a teacher, and a young one at that, i am at a point where i only found my very good friends within your circles, and it is hard, very hard to fail even them. but i had to. because it's my job. and you can say all the bad things you'ld want to say about me. if you try to be in the position i am already in, and look at your semestral work like it was somebody else's, you'ld understand why i had to fail you.

there maybe other choices and other chances. but they're not happening now. the chances have been given to you many times for the past 5 months. and the choices to not do them right were yours to take. and i have no other chance to give.
next semester maybe.

i'm sorry. and i hope we could still be friends.
:)

i like this dearie. :)

2008-10-18T12:18:00.004+08:00

"Hindi lungkot o takot ang mahirap sa pag-iisa kundi ang pagtanggap na sa bilyon-bilyong tao sa mundo, wala man lang nakipaglaban upang makasama ka."

and this is a song i'd like to embed... but then i did not know how to. :) hahahha
so i'll just give you the URL. ^^

Never is A Promise

Youll never see the courage I know
Its colors richness wont appear within your view
Ill never glow - the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you

Youll say you understand, but you dont understand
Youll say youd never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise, and you cant afford to lie

Youll never touch - these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
Youll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than Ive ever shown - to you

Youll say, dont fear your dreams, its easier than it seems
Youll say youd never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you cant afford to lie

Youll never live the life that I live
Ill never live the life that wakes me in the night
Youll never hear the message I give
Youll say it looks as though I might give up this fight

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention - to you

Youll say you understand, youll never understand
Ill say Ill never wake up knowing how or why
I dont know what to believe in, you dont know who I am
Youll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and Ill never need a lie

on the verge of losing my mind

2008-10-13T17:37:00.004+08:00

i found a really nice song today. hahahahah it's the song i play in my friendster profile. :)

and the lyrics go like this.

This troubled heartache won't go away
I think there might be something wrong with me
I take a deep breath and maybe I'll stop this shaking
God please don't forsake me I might be crazy

Am I losing my mind?
Sometimes I feel like things are getting worse in time
If I try will you open my eyes?
And make me a part of you like you're a friend of mine

Next time I'm losing my mind
I'll remember that to find my way out is just a waste of time
In place of all my mistakes
You've seen through the shadows above me
No one could ever love me like you

If I finish what I started and get swept under the carpet
I'll still be thankful for all you've done
Take a note to remind me that you know where you can find me
I'll probably end up right back here again

Am I losing my mind?
Sometimes I feel like things are getting worse in time
If I try will you open my eyes?
And make me a part of you like you're a friend of mine

Next time I'm losing my mind
I'll remember that to find my way out is just a waste of time
In place of all my mistakes seen through the shadows above me
No one could ever love...

I'll be everything that you want me to except for perfect
I'm trying hard just to understand your plan for me
I'll be everywhere that you want me to unless I fall
I'm just trying to get my life back again

Next time I'm losing my mind
I'll remember that to find my way out is just a waste of time
In place of all my mistakes
You've seen through the shadows above me
No one could ever love me...

Next time I'm losing my mind
I'll remember that to find my way out is just a waste of time
In place of all my mistakes
You've seen through the shadows above me
No one could ever love me like you

I don't know why I like it. hahahahaha.... I guess coz I'm losing my mind. And because it fits what I feel. :p ang mupalag, lupad! hahahahaha

Waaaaaahhhh I have a lot of things to do. And I have responsibilities I really don't want to take on. It's not just my laziness really. I just believe it doesn't really matter anymore. When I get through this, I get nothing out of it. And selfishness aside, I just don't want to keep doing this every year anymore. This was what I always wanted I know, but I want to move forward now. And being the scaredy-cat of changes as I am, I believe I'll be sticking around longer than I want to anyhow. Hahai.

And so I guess I'll just be writing about this for the meantime until I gather enough courage to get up and walk away.
Baby steps.
Crawling myself out of this ditch.
Crawl before I walk. Baby steps.
:)

some things i realized

2008-10-07T08:41:00.005+08:00

i do not know if this is bad. or if this is something good.

i have been told people go through a major change once every two years, and i think the major changes are happening now. i am not in a very good stage of my life. i am not at all happy with whatever i'm going through. but this will pass. the transition is difficult but i think i am gonna be fine. this time, i know i will turn out just fine. greater storms had come. and i am still here. i know i will get through this...

and i may not be as best as i had been with you, but i will be stronger when i finally get over you. i am, at present, lying on a ditch. but I am crawling myself out... slowly... slowly... instead of just lying here and doing nothing. i am realizing that it is better that i do not wait for you anymore to come and rescue me. i will be my own knight in shining armor. i am rescuing myself this time.

i am trying to learn to get by without you, you see... that is why i have written this. it's almost been three years since you first left me. and i guess it is finally time i accept that you are gone. last night, when i thought of you and how you might come back to keep the promises you gave me, i no longer cried. and i did not feel that hurt that always came everytime i heard your name. i miss you. i miss you so much... but i do not know if i.. if i.. really want you back in my life after all the pain i had to go through. and i am very sad to say this.. but it is the truth dodong nako.

do i hate you now? no. because i think i love you just the same. and in many ways, that will never change. you will always be that one great love of my life. and i wish that maybe, in another lifetime, you'd be that again. and then hopefully, in that lifetime, you'd learn to stay. but i think now, someone better is coming. i think he'll be more responsible than you ever were. and he'd be more handsome. and he'd love me as much as you once had. and that love he gives me will last and it will never falter. i am wishful thinking. i know. hahaha. but everyone has that right, so shoot me.

i think i deserve that anyway. i think it's going to take long. but it will come. and i am not rushing that. i hope i can be strong enough by then to love him just as much as i had love you. i truly hope so.

i realize, too, just yesterday, that i am not ready to love again just yet. there are lots of things i need to clean up in my life... baggages i have long been carrying... cobwebs in the closet... and a sullied system! hahahahha.. and i am just not able to love again just as much. i'd pray everyday that i would learn to trust and love again... but until then, i'll be fine this way.

and i realize still... that it's better to live.
it's better to live and see what happens than die miserably (literal or not). you had shown me after all, once upon a time, how beautiful the world is. and how, we may never know, that life can be so much better when tomorrow comes. so i'll wait and see what happens. let's just both see what happens, okay?
and be fine baby. i know you will be. but for a few moments perhaps sometimes before you sleep (hopefully even sometimes), i hope you'd think that you're doing so for me.. :)

for a friend

2008-10-01T18:59:00.003+08:00

i have listened to your story for the past month now. and i have realized that although you may listen to what i have kept telling you, i know you'd never understand it. because you are too blinded by this so-called love.

most of what i'm going to write here, i write for you. so that you'll remember that i was not one of the friends who kept you from your most probable happy ending..

you are torn... having this very difficult decision to make, to run after her after all she had done, to fall prey to her every whim after she had hurt you so badly, after she had left you at the time you had needed her most. and you ask for advice from someone like me. i will never tell you what to do dong... it's a decision you'd have to make on your own. if it makes you happy, then what can we all do? what can we say to make it worse or make it better?

fate, after all, is building a bridge to the one you love. that's what i got from one movie i really liked. go go go. build your bridge and run after her if you want to. i just want to make sure that if ever that bridge breaks while you are crossing it, you don't lose yourself. if you get her back, do you expect things to return back to the way they were? i hope they really do dong. but if they don't, then what do you do? will you be able to stand and fight for it anyhow? if you get there and it turns out ugly, will you be able to live with yourself on your way back? will you be able to live with that for the rest of your life?

if i was the one in your place, i would say yes i'd go and try. but i am not you. it's either you go or you don't go. if you don't, then you probably won't get that happy ending with her. and you will never know how it will turn out. but if you do, just promise me you'll know that it gets better. that life is better than all that. it is never wrong to love too much, at least that's what i believe so. but just make sure you leave a little of that love for yourself. so you can get up and walk again when the one you love lets you down.

i do not think the things i say really matter.. but i say it with all my wisdom in the years i've lived. i say that with all my belief in love. i say that with all my hope for what's ahead. and i say that with all my love for ronie.

i hope things turn out fine. and whatever your decision may be, i hope you'll be happy.

drunk

2008-09-19T11:48:00.005+08:00

i am super drunk.

i got home around 1030 am... and my class starts at 1030 am... so all i had to do was get dressed (a good change of clothes), and go to school. and there was an emergency meeting around 11:00. shoot me now and i won't feel a thing.

hahahhahahahah at least i can still write. the meeting's ongoing right now. and somebody noticed i smelled like tanduay. and all i said was "amazing, really?".... and smile like hell.

smile like hell.
SMILE LIKE HELL.

it gets me out of bad situations. and nobody else is saying a thing. maybe they know. maybe they don't. what the heck... but i don't feel so well. i just don't care. i need to forget a few things they say are not really important. and i had to do it. so i'd forget to think. but sheeps, i forgot a lot more other things, like work, and all the other things that mattered at present. and i am in a bad situation. i got myself into this. might as well wait until i kick enough sense in me to get myself out.

and i feel fine.

like really fine.
a lot of people told me they are happy to know me (and that was before we started to drink and have fun). and even though i act like a boy, im a really cool girl.. hahahhaha... and it had boosted my ego. and im happy. because for the past two days, i had felt so low, so insecure, so unloved.. and im glad the people i had spent moments with today had helped me get through this madness im going through. thanks all. u guys are the best. and i love you much much much.

...

2008-09-17T15:53:00.002+08:00

"...Nor ever were they kind enough to give the night her peace,
Nor ever were they wise enough to their own souls release.
And so they likewise pay their debts, the debtors and the stars:
One for putting forth the night, the others for their scars."

madness.. bliss... bittersweet memories..

2008-09-17T13:31:00.009+08:00

it was a wonderful story...

it was the greatest love i know of. it was filled with countless sacrifices and numerous attempts of sanctifying vows nobody heard. it was filled with madness and bliss. it was imperfect but it was pure. it was bitter, and it was very sweet. it was all i had.

and now the world is different. like those clouds that change shape with every little gust of wind. my love had changed. and i am shaken off like dust on his feet. i am shattered. and my heart bleeds. like the world, he had changed into someone less better. and i disappoint myself more by believing still, by keeping true to the promises i gave a long time ago.

maybe hurting myself a lil bit more might bring myself some justice. maybe through all this, no matter how painful it is, i can say that what we had was unlike anything else. that it was special. that it was different from all the other love stories in the world. that it's worth it all.. maybe through this, our love might prove itself real.

because now, i think it must have only been a dream.

something i got out of a book i read.. i forget a lot, you see. maybe i forgot i made it all up. maybe he was never there. maybe he never really loved me. maybe that love was never real. and it is time i woke up.

maybe when i open my eyes and wake up from this nightmare, i might forget this hurt i feel right here. i had loved him with everything i am.. but the love we had wasn't as special as i thought it was. he threw it away so easily after all. and that's what hurts the most because it was all i had. it was all i knew. and no matter what, he shouldn't have called and treated me that way. he is not any better than me. and i am not as low as he thinks. i deserve better than all that.

i want to forget now. make me forget now.
somebody tell me that it was all a dream. and blow all the pain away until nothing is left..

fall for you - secondhand serenade

2008-09-15T23:49:00.003+08:00

maybe it's not really a new song... but i never heard it before.
and i just heard it last night.

and aside from the song "givin up on you", i can't seem to get this out of my head today..

FALL FOR YOU

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before
I know you don't think that I am trying
I know you're wearing thin down to the core

But hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed
But I have loved you from the start

Oohhh... But hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
It's impossible

So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in
I'm yours to keep
And hold onto your words
'Cause talk is cheap
And remember me tonight
When you're asleep

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

giving up on you

2008-09-15T00:06:00.004+08:00

Silent and quiet
Again in my life
Far from these moments, I wish I was

Passion and truth
We were about
Before the shadows stole the beat of our hearts

After all we have been through
I can only look at you
Through the eyes you lied to
I'm givin' up, givin' up
I'm givin' up on you
After all if there is no way out
If you cannot stand beside me
If there isn't love there is only pride
I'm givin' up, I'm givin' up this fight

Undo this leash
You say I tied
When only our fears are to blame this time
And what am I to you
Just spit it out
I'm not afraid of the words that you hide

Where do we go
When did it all crash
When did it start to fall apart

Silence and quiet
Passion, the truth
I wish I was, I wish I was

After all we have been through
I can only look at you
Through the eyes you lied to
I'm givin' up, givin' up
I'm givin' up on you
After all if there is no way out
If you cannot stand beside me
If there isn't love there is only pride
I'm givin' up, I'm givin' up this fight

bitches and hags

2008-09-14T23:48:00.008+08:00

he deleted his friendster account. i think they might have broken up, and that he didn't want me to know. the girl's profile says she's single. yesterday, that was a "in a relationship" status.. so they might have fought sometime today. or perhaps he just didn't want to see all the things going on with my life and me seeing all that's happening to him.

anyway,
i'm starting to get used to this somehow. because now i think i am very special. and although i may not be as different as any other girl, i know i'm worth keeping. and when he left me for the old hag, it was a big loss for him. yah, the old hag. because she's old. and fat. and ugly.

this is not bitterness. this is loving myself more. and i feel like being the bitch today. the kamikazee drink was good enough to let myself feel a lot more confident to say all these things.

being called a bitch is better than being called the UGLY OLD witch.

my shoulder aches

2008-09-10T15:17:00.003+08:00

my left shoulder hurts a lot.

and no matter what i try to do, it just feels worse. bisag pila pa ka hilot di jud madala...

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
i need the pain to go away. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

always busy

2008-09-05T00:20:00.003+08:00

i saw their new pictures today (of course, never using my own account).

and i couldn't help but notice how they look more like each other now. and it hurts me. because once, he looked more like me, and i, like him. he hasn't replied to any of my emails anymore. he is very busy, he said. and still, he's had time to travel with the ugly girl. hahahahahah...

hahahaha.

>sigh<>sigh<

"time does not heal all wounds. it will though, in its most merciful way, blunt the edge ever so slightly." ---88 minutes

for the other one

2008-08-29T13:50:00.010+08:00

i hope you won't be mad at me when you read this. and i hope you'ld understand. i hope nothing's gonna change. but i'd like to say what's on my mind. and what's on my heart before i burst and things get worse.

you do know how much i had loved ronie. and how, in ways i could not explain, i just could not let that love go. they said it is human nature to move on... but it has been so long now, and i still find it hard to do so. maybe it is because i keep on opening up all these wounds. and because i nurture all the memories and hold on to the promises that he might have long forgotten. and i know i'm not being fair. and i can't really tell you i can explain why things are the way they are.... i'm sorry.

you know i try hard. i try so hard to show you love the way i should. and you have told me that i do it so well. that i take good care of you. and that i give you more than enough. you know i used to believe i can make this love greater than what i used to have. that i can find as much happiness with you as i had once did. but you left me anyway to fend off for myself. you gave up even before i had the chance to fall in love with you. you left me alone to tend to to the wounds ronie left, along with the new wounds you have given me. you broke my already broken heart. and you hurt my already wounded soul. i had trusted you to make me whole again but you left me even more broken.

and still i managed to bleed through it. i managed to keep myself sane. i managed it with long hours of cabal and dota to blow all the troubles away.

and now, you came back. you came back because you realized that i was more special to you than you thought i was. you came back at a time when i no longer care anymore about where all this goes. when i only expect the worse from life. when i go through days one day at a time not hoping for more.

and i kept my promises to you.
i once said i will be with you as long as you need me.. and now, i'm here.
and i try even harder. i try to be the great love you expect me to be.

but
i'm sorry.
i'm sorry...
i am a hypocrite. i am a cheat. because when i close my eyes, i do not dream that we will last. i do not expect it. i just assume that one day, just like all the rest, again you'd get tired and leave me behind. i cry a lot. you know i do. but during difficult days, when you scare me with breaking up, you notice i no longer cry. i am sorry. i know it is unfair. but it's all i know now. and i want to love you with all my heart. i am loving you the best way i can. but it is not real love. it is not the kind of love i know i would keep forever. i show it. but in the deepest parts of who i am, i know it is not.

because real love has no hesitations. and i hesitate a lot.

and i know you do too.
you could not even say "i love you". so how can i really be sure? you show care but only when you want to. you do not trust me (and i understand why, hell, i do not even trust myself). but it's really hard. it's really really hard. and i hope you can understand why things are like this between us now... why some days, i choose to live a world outside yours.. why i try to find new friends... why i keep secrets from you... why always, at the end of the day, i try to leave something for myself.

i cannot give you my hopes of forever. i do not think i still have that you see. somebody took it. and he didn't know how much of me he had brought with him when he left.

and it is unfair, yes. but nothing in the world isn't.

i don't know. i just feel very lonely.

and i don't know what got into my mind that i decided to write this. maybe it's the rain. maybe it's the sting in my heart you brought when you told me that you just won't care about what i do now.

i have to drink.

God.
i thought i won't be needing it, but i just changed my mind. i hope you don't get to read this.

or i'll drown myself.

>sigh<

forever, wait.

2008-08-26T22:35:00.003+08:00

Sanay maghintay ang walang hanggan
Hanggang makilala mo ako ang iyong mahal
Baka ko matutuhan kita’y kalimutan
Baka pangako ko’y dumating sa kailanman
Sanay maghintay ang walang hanggan
Sana ang iyong paglingap ay muli kong matikman
Subalit kong paglimot ay di mapigilan
Alalahanin mong kay tagal kitang hinintay

I wonder where you are right now.
Do you think of me sometimes? I hope you still do. And I hope you don't forget.
I wonder where you are everyday.
Sometimes, I look for your smell. But I can't seem to remember it anymore. I never will let you go. That is the choice I make. And if my life becomes miserable because of it, then it is okay. Because it would be much more miserable without your memory in it..

I guess I am just lonely today.

my sassy girl

2008-08-25T08:25:00.004+08:00

yeah. i watched the american version last night. because someone said i wouldn't be disappointed with their rendition.

and yes. just like many other films, i cried. i cried a lot.

it wasn't disappointing. but i'd still say the original was a lot better. it was still obvious they were actors.. and the emotions weren't that taking, you can tell. you can still see how it was still just a movie. they didn't do a bad job. it was decent, mainly.
charming still though not as funny.
a lil bit less crazy than the first but still moving.

i guess i just wanted it crazier. funnier. heavier.
that's just my opinion. :) so kill me.

i'm streaming the original over crunchyroll so i can remember how it used to make me feel.

this movie is special, you see. it had been most special 5 years ago. when things were different. and for those who knew me well, you'd remember why and laugh about it.
i'm watching the movie to remind myself of all the things i used to have.
just so i won't ever give up. so i can hold on and keep building my bridge to the one i love. ;)

mistakes

2008-08-21T08:53:00.003+08:00

5 minutes was all it took. 5 minutes and i drowned myself in another mess i know i won't ever be able to get out of.

somebody save me.

im a dreamy idealist

2008-08-08T13:50:00.006+08:00

deanne asked me to take a personality test a while ago. and well? after reading the results i realized(leaping lizards!) it almost got everything right about me.

this is a good test. :-j
hmmmmm
www.ipersonic.com

Dreamy Idealist (DI)

Dreamy Idealists are very cautious and therefore often appear shy and reserved to others. They share their rich emotional life and their passionate convictions with very few people. But one would be very much mistaken to judge them to be cool and reserved. They have a pronounced inner system of values and clear, honourable principles for which they are willing to sacrifice a great deal. Joan of Arc or Sir Galahad would have been good examples of this personality type. Dreamy Idealists are always at great pains to improve the world. They can be very considerate towards others and do a lot to support them and stand up for them. They are interested in their fellow beings, attentive and generous towards them. Once their enthusiasm for an issue or person is aroused, they can become tireless fighters.

For Dreamy Idealists, practical things are not really so important. They only busy themselves with mundane everyday demands when absolutely necessary. They tend to live according to the motto “the genius controls the chaos” - which is normally the case so that they often have a very successful academic career. They are less interested in details; they prefer to look at something as a whole. This means that they still have a good overview even when things start to become hectic. However, as a result, it can occasionally happen that Dreamy Idealists overlook something important. As they are very peace-loving, they tend not to openly show their dissatisfaction or annoyance but to bottle it up. Assertiveness is not one of their strong points; they hate conflicts and competition. Dreamy Idealists prefer to motivate others with their amicable and enthusiastic nature. Whoever has them as superior will never have to complain about not being given enough praise.

As at work, Dreamy Idealists are helpful and loyal friends and partners, persons of integrity. Obligations are absolutely sacred to them. The feelings of others are important to them and they love making other people happy. They are satisfied with just a small circle of friends; their need for social contact is not very marked as they also need a lot of time to themselves. Superfluous small talk is not their thing. If one wishes to be friends with them or have a relationship with them, one would have to share their world of thought and be willing to participate in profound discussions. If you manage that you will be rewarded with an exceptionally intensive, rich partnership. Due to their high demands on themselves and others, this personality type tends however to sometimes overload the relationship with romantic and idealistic ideas to such an extent that the partner feels overtaxed or inferior. Dreamy Idealists do not fall in love head over heels but when they do fall in love they want this to be a great, eternal love.

Adjectives which describe your type

introverted, theoretical, emotional, spontaneous, idealistic, dreamy, effusive, pleasant, reserved, friendly, passionate, loyal, perfectionist, helpful, creative, composed, curious, obstinate, with integrity, willing to make sacrifices, romantic, cautious, shy, peace-loving, vulnerable, sensitive, communicative, imaginative

These subjects could interest you

iterature, philosophy, psychology, music, art (museums), writing, drawing/painting, astrology, spiritual things, meditation, handicrafts, writing, voluntary work

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hehehhehe. and reading it all seems to amaze me. and to think i am all that.

for you

2008-08-05T16:19:00.004+08:00

Why baby? Why me?

Of all the lives you had to touch, why mine? Of all the hearts you had to break, why this heart? When you knew I can love only so much once in this lifetime.. When you knew I hold on too much. When you knew I believe too much. When you knew the promises you made had built my entire world. And when you knew that if you leave, I will die, and my whole world dies with me.

I love you still. In spite of everything I'm going through.

I used to believe in destiny too... That if it's meant to be, then it's meant to be. But I believe in greater things now. I believe that the future is not written in stone, and that, destiny lies in the choices you make. But I hope you're right. And maybe I'll just keep on wishing we are destined to be. Maybe if I wished hard enough, all the dreams we built together will come true.

I know that you just want me to stop hurting. And that you don't want to think about what happened back then. There are some things you don't want to remember and go back to. But there are some things worth remembering. And those are memories that will forever be implanted in my heart. And I believe in one love that binds you for all eternity. And you and I both know, that no matter how much we try to deny it, a love like that will never end.

I really hope love is as strong as they say it is.

Because I need it to help you find me again.

Find me fast.
Find me soon.
Before I break down and my heart finally gives up.

getting old

2008-08-01T14:44:00.005+08:00

i took an early breakfast with 5 other global boys at silogan around 5:30 this morning. and we started talking about how global started out. And later on, i don't really know how it got there, but it got to the point where we asked each other's ages, and how long it has been since we all started hanging out at the internet cafe.

of course, i was the eldest. and i got to stay in global for the longest time...
and as a joke, i commented that there would come a day when all the rest of them would graduate and leave, and i would still be there, hanging out with the new batch of global boys. And then Mao commented back, and you'ld be 30 by then. and we all laughed.

when i got back to the boarding house, i started thinking... yeah, i am not getting any younger.
maybe it's time i started acting my age. stop hanging out in internet cafes and playing dota or cabal all day. but i realized, if i left out that part of me, what more do i have left?

this is all i am now. and every day i drag myself out of bed to get to work, and the only thing i can look forward to is being able to forget everything about this life when i play with my friends.

i'm turning 25, and a lot of the people i know are married now, and some already have children. others are still planning to.

me? i am not.

nyahahahah. who am i kidding? and i can only smile sadly here. i guess you already know how to read between the lines.

hahahahah....
i'm on this journey, you see, to see if happy endings are real. i'm on my way there. at this point, this is the part of my life where every step i take asks for my courage. and it hurts. but i am not losing hope because i know that in this world, nothing can make this any worse.

i hope my happy ending doesn't arrive too late. and too late is defined as the day i have grown old..

faith

2008-08-01T14:19:00.004+08:00

i read one shoutout today that said

hearts don't really break. and that when you get hurt and you feel that sting in the region where your heart is, it isn't your heart that's breaking. it's faith. and that's when you stop believing.

that's not exactly how it was said. but i guess the idea is there.
i don't know really what i wanted to say. but when i read that, a pang hit me. some memory must have triggered that. but it's so vague now, i am not quite sure i still remember which.

~~ my happy ending ~~