I can't be who you are.

No. Just because I don't live my life the way you believe grown-ups should live their lives does not mean I'm not at all grown-up. It's time to destroy that notion of yours that growing up is basically just going through daily routines and never swaying from them.

I'm human and I have my own identity. I have my own thoughts, my own feelings, my own choices to make. You can't force me to like things just because you like them, or to hate things just because you hate them. If you really wanted to be with someone who thinks like you, talks like you, acts like you, then it would have been better if you made a little clone of yourself and married it.

I allow you to choose your own path, to make your own choices, to decide for yourself whether or not to fulfill requests I make. You are free to grow and be the person that you decide to be while living life with me. I expected the same kind of respect as your partner. When you met me, I was not a lost little child who had no idea what life was like. I was a grown woman who had to go through life almost alone. I want you to remember that and never let go of it. So that you won't forget that I am a unique individual and I have my own voice. I can't be who you are.

If you truly loved me, then you would accept me for who I am. Don't try to change me to be something I'm not. I'm a clumsy oaf who's insecure about every single little thing about myself. I'm childish and I cry for stupid things. I'm stubborn and I lash out when I'm mad. I play my games even though I may be the worst player in the world. I talk too much about everything. I'm forgetful and I think I'm old but I act like a 2-year old. I'm impulsive and I don't know what the hell I'm doing most of the time. I hate changes and responsibility but I do what I can anyway. I worry about things I'm not even supposed to think about. I have my vices. I have my faults. And still I try to be a better person everyday, and everyday I fail to be so and I try again the next day. These are the things that make me who I am. These are the things that define me.

You do not own me. Just because I do what you ask me to does not mean you are my boss. I was not born to be you. I was born to be myself. The little things that make me happy and the stupid things that make me sad help me remember that I am alive.

I clean up after you and Castielle, not because I have no choice but to do so. It's because I choose to try to be a responsible mother and wife. I live in the apartment, not because I have no other place to go, but because I choose to be closer to where you are, so that when you need me, I can be there. I give you massages and I make love to you not because I am bound by the vows we made, I choose to do it because I have decided to love you. And I stay with you even after what happened in June because I choose to... because I am free to make that choice. Being free is not just all about being able to choose to go, but also being able to choose to stay. So deal with it. And learn to start being grateful for what I have chosen to do with my freedom.

The next time you talk about your hatred of the things that make me who I am, try not to do it right before I sleep. Unlike you, I can't sleep a minute right after we argue. I'm losing hours at night by overthinking everything you just said. My pimples are breaking out and I turn out to be even more insecure than I already am.

Love me. Make me feel that feeling you used to make me feel. That feeling where nothing could go wrong because nothing else mattered. We still can be good parents without having to sacrifice who we are deep inside. So allow me to be myself when I am around you... Allow me to be happy and angry and irritable when I have to. Listen to me when I talk and understand me when I don't. Have fun with me and make impulsive decisions with me sometimes. Support me like the best friend you once were. Make choices for me when I don't know how to. And let me make my own choices when I need to. Love me. And when there comes a time when I become too unlovable, love me still.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

u moved me.Wednesday, September 26, 2012