Your questioning eyes are sad. They seek to know my meaning as the moon would fathom the sea. I have bared my life before your eyes from end to end, with nothing hidden or held back. That is why you know me not. If it were only a gem, I could break it into a hundred pieces and string them into a chain to put on your neck. If it were only a flower, round and small and sweet, I could pluck it from its stem to set it in your hair. But it is a heart, my beloved. Where are its shores and its bottom? You know not the limits of this kingdom, still you are its queen. If it were only a moment of pleasure it would flower in an easy smile, and you could see it and read it in a moment. If it were merely a pain it would melt in limpid tears, reflecting its inmost secret without a word. But it is love, my beloved. Its pleasure and pain are boundless, and endless its wants and wealth. It is as near to you as your life, but you can never wholly know it.
shh... but i've got to tell you something. i've got not so nice secrets...
and no matter how much i try to tell everyone about them, i just couldn't. i don't wanna feel less than the person i am now, especially now that people expect me to be someone better, when i really am not. i am so afraid of the changes happening now.. and you know how i hate changes... they are inevitable, but as much as possible, i try my best to not let them come. that is why i get contented at just being here, staying put, not getting anywhere. i'm afraid to risk it all and break my heart in the end. i already did that once, and look where it got me now..
i got worse. and it's just too late to go back.. and i hate regretting anything.
i am, in a way, unhappy. i haven't been myself since ronie left. maybe... when he said goodbye that day, i died. and this is not me talking now.
because to be honest, i do not know myself anymore. i am hiding secrets i never realized i ever would. and i hate myself even more for not understanding anything, for getting hurt about things i shouldn't get hurt for, for believing this nightmare's never gonna end, for losing hope, for trying... and failing over... and over... again.
i'm surprising ronie next week. i'm going to manila to see him.
maybe this is all i really need... to go away and be with the one who owns my heart... he healed me from my madness once. maybe he can do it again.
shh... but i've got to tell you something.
